Am I being an unreasonable cow?

[mediciempire]

So my ex and I divorced. We've both remarried. Our daughter's big birthday is coming up. He loves designer brands (so do I but I haven't really got the money for them nowadays) and said to me that it would be lovely to buy her a designer bag to always remind her of that birthday (I do not care if you think designer bags are a waste of money or think we're awful people for buying them). I agreed and we decided we'd buy her 1 designer bag priced at around £720. We agreed that we'd split the cost equally and do some smaller presents separately. He's obviously continued to research designer bags and come across a vintage one that he really wants to get her priced at about £1300. He mentioned it to me and I agreed that it was a bag she'd really love because she's mentioned it a lot before but we'd decided on the first one because we weren't sure as to how easy it would be to get the second. Now that he's found a seller, he has asked me to pay the £300 and for him to pay the grand. He has a really high paying job and knows that I don't always have the cash atm (have been saving for her presents for this birthday so I can afford the prices he has suggested). I agreed. Earlier today, his wife messaged me saying that it was unreasonable for me to let him pay this much for DD's birthday. She said that it was unfair for me to make him pay more for her bags than me. I can see why she might think that but I didn't ask him to go looking for the second bag and I suggested not getting both and just getting the one but he didn't want to do that. I don't really know what to do. Am I being horrible to say that I don't think it's that unfair because he was the one who wanted to buy 2?

That’s good too. I agree...forward her message on to him and politely ask him why you are being contacted over this.

Either totally ignore it, or forward to your ex and suggest he tells her to wind her neck in.

Every credit to your and your ex for being civil and considerate (there’s so many horror stories on here).

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with his new wife. I wouldn’t even respond.

Are you getting your daughter both bags between you or just the more expensive one. Either way it’s got nothing to do with the new wife.

OP have you paid 650 in total towards the bags? Just want to make sure i'm reading right.

Also, echoing what the others have said. I would just respond saying that she needs to talk to her husband about it.

I'd sent her a screenshot of the messages about the bag. And then I'd text her ....

"This is my one and only time I'm ever going to explain myself to you . Do not ever contact me again about anything like this."

She is indeed getting both bags and I'm paying about 660. I've taken all your advice and forwarded it to him because I don't fancy being the one to explain to her why it isn't unfair. He has just messaged me back saying "No issues with paying for it at all was my choice. Will properly explain to his wife's name."

Tbh I was a little surprised she'd messaged me about this because we normally get on well enough. She only really messages me about whether younger DD fancies a day out with her little girl or whether both DDs want to go out with her. We typically don't have that much contact but I thought we had an amicable relationship because ex and I have an amicable relationship. We had kids very young, got married very quickly and divorced not so soon after that because we were never right for each other so being civil has always come easy to us.

I'd be very surprised if he didn't have the money bc I don't think he would've suggested it otherwise and he's not typically a person that makes false promises or doesn't follow through on things he's said. I've agreed to pay the £300 because I don't want it to turn into it just being Dad who bought the bags and I'd feel a little guilty letting him fork out for both when I do have the funds for an extra £300.

I would have told her to go pound sand.

Since you’re already in for £600, why don’t you pay for the first bag and Ex pay for the other bag? Makes more sense to have a present from each parent, rather than 50% of one bag from each, and 70:30 (or whatever) of the other bag from each?

And please make sure the younger daughter gets the same value when she is the same age!

That's a fab idea Maskingforit

Nothing to do with her. If she has a problem with him spending such a large amount on a bag, she needs to take it up with him, not you.

It’s nothing to do with her what your arrangement is for your daughter

If she has an issue she can speak to your ex

Oh dear. Does his wife want a vintage Chanel too?

@MaskingForIt

Since you’re already in for £600, why don’t you pay for the first bag and Ex pay for the other bag? Makes more sense to have a present from each parent, rather than 50% of one bag from each, and 70:30 (or whatever) of the other bag from each?

And please make sure the younger daughter gets the same value when she is the same age!

I doubt very much that the gifts will be presented as x% from mum and y% from dad. Just gifts from “us”. The girl can make her own assumption about who paid what, if she cares. I pay for my adult stepson’s presents because I earn more than their dad - I don’t care whether they know that or not.

Bit patronising to advise OP on what to do for her younger daughter... it doesn’t sound she needs any tips on parenting!

I really doubt the ex is going to let dd think him and his ex-wife paid equally for the presents. If he does, kudos to him.

@MaskingForIt we definitely could do that but I think he'd feel a little pushed out if I suggested that to him. He's the one that's been researching which ones to get so I'm not sure he'd be thrilled if I presented it as if I was the one to choose the first bag when it's been him that's chosen it if you see what i mean. And yes, younger DD will definitely be getting something of a similar value when it's her turn!

@hammeringinmyhead you never know she might be thinking she wants a bag too! I'd love a vintage Chanel but the vintage bag we got DD was from the LV x Takashi Murakami collection. She's coveted one for years (def her father's daughter).

@tallduckandhandsome he won't bring up who paid for what and who didn't to her although I know she'll know because she knows how much I can afford. There's been quite a few occasions in the past where he's paid more than I have for something for or to do with the girls and he never brings it up so I can't see why he would with the bags. If he does, ah well, it's the truth after all!

Haha, yes I was being a bit tongue in cheek. I think Chanels go for more than that these days! Just wondered if she was wondering where her designer bag for her birthday is. Or maybe she wants him to get "credit" for spending more? An odd one.

It's not her business to be messaging you about it. Hope your ex does have a word with her.

Op this is a bit random but I love your personality on this thread. Nice, non malicious , down to earth , funny and optimistic. So refreshing especially in AIBU

Does she want a vintage ie 2nd hand bag?

My parents bought mulberry bags at about £800 for each of mine for their 18th- they love them but they were knackered from use within 3 years (which is good I think)

@Twistered that is such a lovely thing to say! Thank you very much

@WillSantaBeComingToTown yes she's wanted this particular one for a while and the only way she'll get it is vintage so even if it does get knackered I'm sure she'll just end up displaying it on a shelf somewhere oohing and ahing over it!