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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cheat?

34 replies

Bunny93 · 08/12/2020 12:22

Basically I know I am being unreasonable but I need to hear it from other people.

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years with 2 children who are 1 and 2 years old. In the beginning we had a good relationship but as time has gone on it has become more and more strained.

My husband suffers from depression and really takes it out on me. He screams and shouts at me for the littlest thing, will ignore me and won't answer me when I speak to him, tells me I am a useless mother if I do something clumsy like drop a glass on the floor. I used to have an eating disorder and he will always tell me I looked better when I was really unhealthy and thin. We never have sex and we don't sleep in the same bed. If we are having a conversation about literally anything he will always turn it in to an argument and gets really aggressive, like shouting with his nose pushed right up against mine or punching things right next to my head. I hate living here and I do not love him anymore.

BUT I have 2 small children and the thought of not seeing them every single day makes me want to die. I feel like I cant leave because he would want to share custody and I am just not willing to let go of them for a couple of days a week. They are only small, so I planned to leave when they are older. I know lots of people will say that it isnt good for them to see him treat me badly but he is much worse with them when I am not around so it is the lesser of 2 evils.

Anyway, I started working with a man who is so lovely. He's really honest and nice and he makes me smile. We became friends and he has had a similar situation with his ex who he split from about 2 years ago so he knows what its like. I feel so understood when I talk to him and recently we have been talking more and more. He has told me he likes me but understands my situation so won't act on it. I'm going to hang out with him later this evening and I can see where this is going. So, what do I do? AIBU to leave? Stay? Cheat? I always thought that people who cheat are bad people I cant believe I am considering getting to know someone else. I feel so trapped and so alone and my own mental health is so low that I feel like if I dont do this I will snap. I am basically bullied all day long by my husband and its so hard staying faithful to someone you don't love.

OP posts:

AlrightTreacle · 08/12/2020 12:28

Doesn't sound like you really have a relationship with your husband, so technically I wouldn't judge it as "cheating".

Your situation sounds so awful OP, have you looked into the logistics of leaving at all?

Sandals19 · 08/12/2020 12:29

Well your husband is an abuser.

Him being depressed is no excuse.

The danger with falling into infidelity to make you feel better is that men who'll cheat with attached women are usually (of course there may be the very odd exception) not truly v nice people. They are often a different type of abuser - a bit of a predator who exploits the unhappiness and low self esteem of a woman in a bad relationship for sex, attention etc.

peboh · 08/12/2020 12:30

You leave. It is still cheating, and do you really want your children growing up thinking that cheating is acceptable?

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2020 12:30

You need to leave and I think you know that. Don't complicate this by bringing someone else into this mess.

The sharing of custody thing is a long way down the line from right now and there's no saying it'll definitely happen anyway, but if it does then that can be worked out.

Don't let him put your kids through this any longer. They're at an impressionable age and don't need to be scared in their own home by a violent abuser any more than you do.

The only real advice I can give you here is to keep this other man out of it all. He really can't help even if he does make you feel better for now.

justanotherneighinparadise · 08/12/2020 12:30

God I don’t know. I guess the correct answer is don’t cheat but you sound so miserable.

gillianan · 08/12/2020 12:31

thats not depression, thats just an abusive husband.
leave him... then date someone else.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/12/2020 12:32

'Cheating' is utterly irrelevant here

You are with a violent abuser who is abusing you and your children - leave - get help

When your violent abuser finds out you've met up with another man what do you think he will do - wish you on your merry way or kill you ?

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2020 12:32

If we are having a conversation about literally anything he will always turn it in to an argument and gets really aggressive, like shouting with his nose pushed right up against mine or punching things right next to my head.

So imagine how much worse that could be for you and the kids if he caught you cheating.

Sandals19 · 08/12/2020 12:33

If he's really a decent guy who really likes and respects you, he'll say that you two could get involved if and when you've left your husband.

If he doesn't then he may not be as nice as you'd hope, he'll slide into an affair .. and maybe slide out if it again when the shine's worn off

That would make you feel twice as bad, and fk your self esteem even more. That's the real danger.

Of course there's also the danger your h could find out and the marriage and family would be broken up (or even more umhappy) ... But that doesn't really sound like a danger; because unless your h has a personality transplant its probably the only option for your heath and happiness anyway.

Sandals19 · 08/12/2020 12:34

So imagine how much worse that could be for you and the kids if he caught you cheating.

I missed the bit about the physical intimidation/verging on violence ... Yeah that's potentially dangerous.

Simplyunacceptable · 08/12/2020 12:35

If he’s a truly decent man he won’t go any further until you leave your H. The cheating situation is a bit of a red herring anyway, you’re in an abusive relationship and need to leave.

AiryFairyMum · 08/12/2020 12:39

Your husband is abusive. Focus on that, and leaving. Women's aid can help. You can keep custody if he is abusive. Don't try to jump from one man to another, sort your situation out first.

OfTheNight · 08/12/2020 12:40

Please consider leaving. Don’t cheat, it’ll give your ex a stick to beat you with for the rest of the time you parent together. It also makes you in to a liar.
If either your husband or his wife found out, you have no idea how far reaching the fall out will be.

I was heartbroken at the idea of sharing DS with my ex but you do get used to it and you can use that time to rebuild yourself after being in such a damaging relationship.

The one thing that concerns me is that you say the man you are interested in has the same circumstances as yourself. You cannot know this is the truth. I would not pin your hopes on this man entirely. Please consider leaving for yourself and your children, not for the potential affections of another person.

nancybotwinbloom · 08/12/2020 12:41

I'd leave now whilst the children are small and probably won't remember living with your DH.

See/speak to a solicitor this week if you can.

Get ready to leave or ask him to move out.

No point dragging this on

icedaisy · 08/12/2020 12:44

Yes agree with others you need to leave and then think about what next.

You say he is worse when with them alone. So how do you propose seeing other man? Leave children with him alone and do that?

No, leave him and get things sorted and go from there.

Serendipity79 · 08/12/2020 13:04

I can imagine that a bit of escapism with someone who seems really nice feels like a good idea. But its really not. Firstly because you need to get out of an abusive marriage and secondly because as someone's already said, the kind of "nice" man who'd engage in an affair with someone in your situation may well turn out to be an even worse predator down the line. He could well be lovely, but it would be hard for you to judge that right now, because your bar is set so low that you're staying with an abusive husband.

Please, get some help and leave. Park any thoughts of another man until you're safely away from your husband x

cardswapping · 08/12/2020 13:06

I can see why you want some escapism, but I think real happiness would come from tackling your marriage rather than cheating. It would just be adding to your problems.

ILoveYoga · 08/12/2020 13:06

Cheating is always wrong. Deal with your relationship first. Once you’ve actually separated ( not a temporary trial either) only then move on to a new relationship

Of course your husband treating you like that is horrid - so end things and then move on

Otherwise you’d only be adding to an already horrible situation

myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 13:11

Leave him.

Forget the man at work for the moment, you can arrange to see him again once you are safe and away from this abusive prick.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 13:15

Don't fall into the arms of the first nice stranger you meet. Sort your life out with your husband. Leave him and take your children or make him leave.

Your children should be your first priority - not your impending love life

DrManhattan · 08/12/2020 13:17

Leave your husband

Yellowcakestand · 08/12/2020 13:18

This is domestic abuse. You children will suffer for this too, as did mine.
Call Womens aid and get out

Waveysnail · 08/12/2020 13:19

Leave your husband. Get you and kids sorted then think about dating

Dreamingofvenice · 08/12/2020 13:20

OP this sounds like me 7 years ok. I chose to cheat. We are still together 7 years later have 2 lovely kids and are genuinely happy. BUT I regret cheating so much, it made things so much harder than if I had just left and then started a relationship and I know that my DP would have waited. I too thought is would be so hard sharing my DD but it had been ok. As they say on here get your ducks in a row and get out of this relationship

Barmyfarmy · 08/12/2020 13:22

Op you are in an abusive relationship and your husband is gaslighting you. Using his poor mental health as an excuse or reason to abuse you is horrific. You must make a plan to leave him. You have a chance of sole custody as he is abusive- contact domestic abuse helplines/charities and find out what your rights are and what options are available to you. Get support and a solid unshakable plan in place and get ready for a difficult period of fighting for your children and safety. Your children aren't safe with an abusive man, even if he's never abused them.
Whatever you do, don't start a relationship, fling or otherwise with this other man. It will complicate things and you could be in a worse situation in the divorce and custody battle. If this man is really lovely and someone you're meant to be with, he'll still be there when you are ready for him. It's unfair to him to get him caught up now and it'll end badly. You also are at risk of your husband lashing out if he found out.

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