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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cheat?

34 replies

Bunny93 · 08/12/2020 12:22

Basically I know I am being unreasonable but I need to hear it from other people.

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years with 2 children who are 1 and 2 years old. In the beginning we had a good relationship but as time has gone on it has become more and more strained.

My husband suffers from depression and really takes it out on me. He screams and shouts at me for the littlest thing, will ignore me and won't answer me when I speak to him, tells me I am a useless mother if I do something clumsy like drop a glass on the floor. I used to have an eating disorder and he will always tell me I looked better when I was really unhealthy and thin. We never have sex and we don't sleep in the same bed. If we are having a conversation about literally anything he will always turn it in to an argument and gets really aggressive, like shouting with his nose pushed right up against mine or punching things right next to my head. I hate living here and I do not love him anymore.

BUT I have 2 small children and the thought of not seeing them every single day makes me want to die. I feel like I cant leave because he would want to share custody and I am just not willing to let go of them for a couple of days a week. They are only small, so I planned to leave when they are older. I know lots of people will say that it isnt good for them to see him treat me badly but he is much worse with them when I am not around so it is the lesser of 2 evils.

Anyway, I started working with a man who is so lovely. He's really honest and nice and he makes me smile. We became friends and he has had a similar situation with his ex who he split from about 2 years ago so he knows what its like. I feel so understood when I talk to him and recently we have been talking more and more. He has told me he likes me but understands my situation so won't act on it. I'm going to hang out with him later this evening and I can see where this is going. So, what do I do? AIBU to leave? Stay? Cheat? I always thought that people who cheat are bad people I cant believe I am considering getting to know someone else. I feel so trapped and so alone and my own mental health is so low that I feel like if I dont do this I will snap. I am basically bullied all day long by my husband and its so hard staying faithful to someone you don't love.

OP posts:

Notapheasantplucker · 08/12/2020 13:30

Was he abusive before you had children? I think you need to report him when he's acting aggressive and threatening. It will be on file then for if he wants a custody battle. You really should leave him, especially for your children.

Foofer · 08/12/2020 13:35

If how your husband is with your kids alone is worse than them witnessing how he treats you then I suspect he wouldn’t get custody of them if you split.

Contact someone like Women’s Aid who can talk you through your options, the process and the practicalities because right now you’ve convinced yourself that you’re trapped. You’re not - you and the children need to get away.

I don’t know if you feel like the other man is some kind of answer but he isn’t, he’s a distraction at best. As others have mentioned a discovered affair would put you in danger.

Get yourself and your kids to safety and stability then consider romance when you are in a better place and can actually enjoy it.

Take care.

SoulSearcher13 · 08/12/2020 13:38

I know it sounds easier said then done but I would try to keep a sensible head. Yes, an affair is tempting and may give you what you need in the short term but in reality the children and your own mental health are the priority here - cheating will not help either.

I agree with above posters that it sounds very much like you are experiencing domestic abuse. There is so much help out there for you even during this COVID 19 madness.

What I would be weighing up is- is the situation so bad (affecting your children and your mental health) that you NEED to leave ASAP - if so there is so much help out there. Women’s Aid are amazing. The Court system are also very good in terms of processing emergency orders if you ever need.

If you feel that your end goal is to leave but you can wait it out whilst safeguarding your children and mental health then I would “ get my ducks in a row” for when the time is right. Ie. Start planning, find out what your rights are financially and legally. Secretly save as much money as you can to help you get started. Then as soon as you are ready you can just leave! It will be a lot easier for you if you can do all of this without his knowledge.

I know this is easier said than done though... good luck and stay strong!!!!!!!

Ohdoleavemealone · 08/12/2020 13:43

Leave. Do not give him contact, let him take you to court for it where you can tell them that he is violent.
He can see them in a contact centre for an hour a week if the court order it. There is a good chance he won't pursue it at all and you can go forward without him in your lives.

Lookatthat · 08/12/2020 13:43

OP this sounds awful. My worry for you is that your husband finds out about it and either is violent towards you, or uses it against you to gain more custody of your children.

CookieClub · 08/12/2020 13:49

@Bunny93

Basically I know I am being unreasonable but I need to hear it from other people.

Me and my husband have been together for 8 years with 2 children who are 1 and 2 years old. In the beginning we had a good relationship but as time has gone on it has become more and more strained.

My husband suffers from depression and really takes it out on me

What you've described isn't depression hun, it's abuse.

Do not cheat. He is likely to harm you significantly if he found out. But do make steps to leave. You deserve to be happy and he sounds like an aggressive nut-case tbh

D4rwin · 08/12/2020 13:53

Leave. Your children will be learning this behaviour from him. You need to give a strong indication that it isn't normal behaviour. And sorry but depression is not a free pass to be abusive.

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/12/2020 13:53

I would put the new man on hold. Your more pressing situation is to get out for the safety of you and your kids.
Then you can be free to see this man (assuming you still want to).
Also I would say if it all comes out than he will have as much leverage as you will to say whose fault it was that the relationship broke up.

Just to answer your first post- No I don't think you should cheat, and use his abusive behaviour as an excuse. I assume everyone who cheats could do the same.

Use his abusive behaviour as a reason to leave!

tyrannosaurustrip · 08/12/2020 13:55

In the first instance, contact support services and talk to your GP. Get it on record about the abuse you are experiencing and start thinking about ways out.

I don't want to freak you out but living in a household with that much abuse shapes children's brains when they are that small. Even if you don't think they see much, you will be on eggshells, you won't be reacting to them in the same way as you would living on your own.

If you can document the abuse, you may be able to limit his contact: they will have a safe space with you, entirely free from conflict. This will be better for them developmentally than being always exposed to this, even if you think your presence shields them from the worst of it.

Contact Women's Aid, contact your GP, explicitly ask for advise on safeguarding your children. An affair is just a way to distract from a situation that is intolerable: it might seem like it will be a release but it won't. Start to look at permanent ways to get you and your family safe.

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