Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I cancel my 40th birthday party 3 weeks before due date?

66 replies

Hardcoresoftie · 08/12/2020 06:13

Hi there.
I'm finally unbelievably pregnant after forever and due 5 weeks after some final exams and 3 weeks after my big 4-0.
My question is should I continue organising the 40th party I had planned? I have no idea when baby will come, without being negative if all will be okay. I cant celebrate earlier than 3 weeks before as its exam time and wont get the dates until last minute ( mature degree student )
I cant do it early before exams because of covid regs being in place till March.
It feels to early to announce pregnancy (7 weeks) but I cant delay organising and inviting much longer.
Some background: similar to current trending thread DH has ruined many a birthday and we agreed rather than falling out over it, I would plan epic 40 and he would support it by being my uncomplaining lackey.
I realised low self worth made his dropping the ball on birthdays feel like I didnt matter. In other respects he is a rock, a delight and a hero.
Our wedding was really small and budget as I didnt feel worthy of the attention and I regret not doing the white wedding. Did my own hair and makeup and didnt have a hen party etc.
So I have been planning 40th in my head for over 5 years as part of saying I'm worth it.
I found my wedding day amazing in terms of the love and connection. I used to be a prof' dancer and husband and I danced into a sweaty heap. One best moments of my life and haven't had chance to be free like that in a 9 years since. but I was overwhelmed by the planning and high emotions and pretty exhausted and ill after. The plan this time was to be more organised, have help, be brave with the budget and put some downtime in between demanding things. I did my driving test the week before wedding and moved house week after. Never again.
I had planned a summer. It was going to be an all day event with afternoon tea and family stuff for the those with kids who were driving leading into some serious partying and dancing firepits food trucks in the early hours for us (formerly) childless
I would love to see everyone. It's the last time I will be able to do that type of thing.

However will I just be sat there exhausted, fat and tearful? I cant really dress up anymore as it summer anything fancy is uncomfortable even when not pregnant. I wont be dancing much and of course not drinking. Is it just silly to pour money into something I might need to cancel if I'm early.
Should I just be grateful I'm finally close to being a mum and let that birthday dream die?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardcoresoftie · 08/12/2020 07:35

Mumsnetting it through is helping me calm down. I didn't have anyone else to talk to as I would have to tell that person I'm pregnant in order to discuss it and it's too soon. Payment is due on the hire and I'm 3 weeks behind and need to give them an answer.

To be honest big sit down dinners bore me and not my thing at all. Firepits and street food and coming and going and northern soul and fairy lights was the dream.
I'm getting it loud and clear from those who remember what 37 weeks feels like thats it's not realistic at all so it pretty much decided that it's off which is super helpful..so glad I posted.
Hearing peoples alternatives is also helpful

OP posts:
Tootsietootie · 08/12/2020 07:36

You definitely won't want to risk getting coronavirus when you have 3 weeks left on your pregnancy. Having a delayed 40th birthday party won't seem like an odd thing because everyone will be doing it.

Medievalist · 08/12/2020 07:38

Payment is due on the hire and I'm 3 weeks behind and need to give them an answer.

Well then cancel for goodness sake! I'm sure you'd be able to book another venue nearer the time if you change your mind and Covid disappears.

Original poster
Hardcoresoftie · 08/12/2020 07:39

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

I think you need to calm down , in the nicest possible way. Why dont you concentrate on your pregnancy and your exams , you sound like you have a lot on your plate. Maybe nearer the time see how you are getting on and maybe just book a large table in a restaurant to mark your birthday . You really are making a lot of stress and work for yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy
Mumsnetting it through is helping me calm down. I didn't have anyone else to talk to as I would have to tell that person I'm pregnant in order to discuss it and it's too soon. Payment is due on the hire and I'm 3 weeks behind and need to give them an answer.

To be honest big sit down dinners bore me and not my thing at all. Firepits and street food and coming and going and northern soul and fairy lights was the dream.
I'm getting it loud and clear from those who remember what 37 weeks feels like thats it's not realistic at all so it pretty much decided that it's off which is super helpful..so glad I posted.
Hearing peoples alternatives is also helpful

OP posts:
rainkeepsfallingdown · 08/12/2020 07:40

Whilst it's generally true that many people make a bigger effort for milestone birthdays and your friends will be expecting an epic 40th after 5 years of you talking about it... I don't think anyone will not react well to you delaying this party "because of Covid" and having it in a later year. You don't need to mention the pregnancy if you're not ready, Covid can be your cover story.

When you invite people to your random 41st or 42nd birthday, tell them it's the big bash you had to defer because of Covid, and I bet they'll make as big an effort as they would have had, if it was your actual 40th. People will understand.

FelicityPike · 08/12/2020 07:43

3 weeks before my due date my DD was 6 weeks old and still in the NICU!

Original poster
Hardcoresoftie · 08/12/2020 07:44

@rainkeepsfallingdown

Whilst it's generally true that many people make a bigger effort for milestone birthdays and your friends will be expecting an epic 40th after 5 years of you talking about it... I don't think anyone will not react well to you delaying this party "because of Covid" and having it in a later year. You don't need to mention the pregnancy if you're not ready, Covid can be your cover story.

When you invite people to your random 41st or 42nd birthday, tell them it's the big bash you had to defer because of Covid, and I bet they'll make as big an effort as they would have had, if it was your actual 40th. People will understand.

I haven't mentioned it to anyone except husband but I have sent to save the date cards out. I dont talk about my plans with others much or like to put pressure on others to show up for my things as everyone's circumstances are different.
OP posts:
Original poster
Hardcoresoftie · 08/12/2020 07:47

@Medievalist

Payment is due on the hire and I'm 3 weeks behind and need to give them an answer.

Well then cancel for goodness sake! I'm sure you'd be able to book another venue nearer the time if you change your mind and Covid disappears.

I am going to cancel after this thread.. but realistically it's also a wedding venue and it's perfect. .as soon as restrictions allow 30 people in our area again all those poor souls who put off their weddings due to are going to be snapping up venues.
OP posts:
liveitwell · 08/12/2020 07:48

At only 7 weeks I wouldn't make any changes. Once you've had your 12 week scan then have a think.

Maybe have a joint bday/baby shower.

notanothertakeaway · 08/12/2020 07:51

My DS was born at 38 weeks. No complications, but the first few weeks were all about resting, enjoying new family life, and showing off the baby to close friends who came over with a packed lunch

I missed my best friend's wedding when baby was 5 weeks old, because we had agreed in advance that it would be extra pressure / stress, best avoided. I was sorry to miss it, but definitely the right decision

Enjoy your pregnancy, and postpone the birthday celebrations

shallbe · 08/12/2020 07:52

I single handedly planned my wedding and married when my first was 3 months old (DH worked away).

Having a baby doesn't render you useless with an inability to do anything, parties do not take 7 months to organise (my wedding only took about 4, it was a big-use "proper" wedding!)

Congratulations, just chill out and enjoy being pregnant for a while, see what you want to do second trimester.

ChalkDinosaur · 08/12/2020 07:56

When I saw your title I was going to say go for it, but having realised how much effort you're going to put into the planning - I think you should delay. I would have loved going to a party at 37 weeks (DD was born at 42 weeks...) but planning one would have been exhausting and having to cancel something I'd put so much effort into would have been gutting.

Maybe plan something smaller (still outdoorsy if that's what you like) for your 40th? So you can still enjoy it hopefully but it wouldn't be awful if you had to cancel/postpone. Then do the big party for your 50th/wedding anniversary/whenever you like just because you can!

rainkeepsfallingdown · 08/12/2020 07:58

I haven't mentioned it to anyone except husband but I have sent to save the date cards out. I dont talk about my plans with others much or like to put pressure on others to show up for my things as everyone's circumstances are different.

That's really lovely and kind of you, but this does mean a big deal to you.

I would rearrange, but when you do, I would be a bit more open about how important it is to you. There's nothing wrong with explaining that it may look like a random celebration to everyone else, but it's significant to you, and you'd really like people to come along if they are able to.

As long as you get the wording right, you're not putting undue pressure on anyone, you're just giving them enough information to make their choice.

Original poster
Hardcoresoftie · 08/12/2020 08:05

@Tootsietootie

You definitely won't want to risk getting coronavirus when you have 3 weeks left on your pregnancy. Having a delayed 40th birthday party won't seem like an odd thing because everyone will be doing it.
I probably have covid now according to various doctors one of whom said bizarrely 'covid is no big deal, I work on covid wards and have never got it' I'm on self isolation at home waiting for drive in result.
OP posts:
corythatwas · 08/12/2020 08:07

I'd say there is no way organising a party with e.g. a 2yo is going to be as exhausting as doing it when you're 37 weeks pregnant. Not to mention that by that time you may a) just have had your baby b) be in the process of having your baby c) have been put on bed rest. And as others have said, having to cancel would be really hard for you.

I found that I was able to do quite a few things when dc were little: we travelled across Europe, we went to parties, I organised and cooked for their christenings. 37 weeks pregnant otoh... with my first I was in hospital on bed rest, with my second I was recovering from the caesarean.

Medievalist · 08/12/2020 08:09

You're pregnant at 39 after ttc for a long time. You think you have covid. And you're this focused on a birthday party? Confused

Tamingofthehamster · 08/12/2020 08:14

Don’t underestimate how drained you will feel after your exams either. Even when not pregnant, it can take days to unwind if you’ve had to study hard for something.

corythatwas · 08/12/2020 08:19

One thing to think about: blood pressure. You will want to keep an eye on that in the late stages of pregnancy. Final exams is probably quite enough to be thinking about. And if you do find your pregnancy causes any trouble with those- ask for an extension!!!

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2020 08:49

@Hardcoresoftie

Mumsnetting it through is helping me calm down. I didn't have anyone else to talk to as I would have to tell that person I'm pregnant in order to discuss it and it's too soon. Payment is due on the hire and I'm 3 weeks behind and need to give them an answer.

To be honest big sit down dinners bore me and not my thing at all. Firepits and street food and coming and going and northern soul and fairy lights was the dream.
I'm getting it loud and clear from those who remember what 37 weeks feels like thats it's not realistic at all so it pretty much decided that it's off which is super helpful..so glad I posted.
Hearing peoples alternatives is also helpful

I'm trying to say this kindly...as I dont want to upset you, but as your friends don't make the effort you do, are you sure they'd all come?

For now, concentrate on your pregnancy Flowers and give it all some more thought

Ginseng1 · 08/12/2020 09:00

@Medievalist

You're pregnant at 39 after ttc for a long time. You think you have covid. And you're this focused on a birthday party? Confused
This! So bizzare.
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/12/2020 09:14

I think a big thing to factor in is that everyone is having postponed parties - I've just cancelled my 50th and will probably have it around September next year. So your 40th doesn't have to be on your 40th.

We actually combined DS first birthday with DH's 40th and held a naming ceremony which went into a really quite wild party later on. But I would not have coped with organising this at 37 weeks, I could barely write my name by that point.

I'd cancel the 40th - you still have a pregnancy and exams to get through in your 3rd trimester and that has to be the priority. Then rebook it for a naming ceremony/ post birthday bash when you're ready.

Also congratulations on your pregnancy!

starsinyourpies · 08/12/2020 09:21

With my first baby I danced all night at a wedding at 8 months pregnant and bought a beautiful dress (check out Isabella Oliver) but the problem is you just don't know how you will feel by then! Also baby can come any time from 37 weeks so would be very annoying to have spent lots of time and money only to miss it! Plan for 6 months later and get a babysitter?

Petitmum · 08/12/2020 09:24

I was 38 weeks pregnant when I celebrated my 40th............I say "celebrated" but I had been in and out of the hospital for weeks with high blood pressure and monitoring for eclampsia. I was home on the day but was feeling terrible, all I managed was a few mouthfuls of a pub lunch!!
DH and I went away for a special weekend for my 41st birthday which was lovely.
No way could I have organised, attended or enjoyed a party.

You may be feeling fine but you can't predict now how pregnancy will affect you.

EasterIssland · 08/12/2020 09:25

37.5w I was hosting my dh's 40s bday party. 39w I was being induced, I was ok but just because I was doesn't mean you'll be or won't be.. nobody knows.

op not sure whether you've said but where are you based? I'd def. not be attending a bday party at the moment with loads of people.. but I guess each person is different.... but not sure the risk of catching covid is worth it at 37w

ImAKaren · 08/12/2020 09:33

I wouldn't be planning any large scale event for next summer on Covid grounds, let alone anything else.
Pregnancies aren't always straightforward; my niece is in the third trimester and has been on hospital bed rest / monitoring now for a month weeks due to regular heavy bleeding.
Concentrate on your pregnancy and your exams, and plan the party for Summer 2022 when you're less likely to have to call it off. The will it happen / won't it happen thing will only cause unnecessary stress this year.