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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask single mums......

46 replies

Plantlover101 · 08/12/2020 02:31

... do you expect your single female friends to buy your child/ children birthday and Christmas presents?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/12/2020 02:37

No, I don't do the present exchange with friends thing. Too much added financial pressure.

SplunkPostGres · 08/12/2020 02:38

No, why would I?

BlusteryLake · 08/12/2020 02:42

I am not a single mum, but I stopped doing gift exchange with all but close family when my children were young. I would never expect gifts from friends.

Original poster
Plantlover101 · 08/12/2020 02:43

OK... let me explain. My ex friend was annoyed because I didn't buy her child Christmas or birthday presents.

She didn't come out and say so directly, just dropped hints, such as - "Our other friend, Juliet, spends a lot of money on DD."

And: "Oh thanks for the gift card for my birthday. I gave it to DD."

After the second comment I got the message and realised she wanted me to buy presents for her daughter.

When I did, the following Christmas, ex friend said: "Thanks so much. DD is over the moon."

When I told my other friend, also a single mum who I've known 40 odd years, she said: "That's ridiculous. I don't expect you to buy presents for my kid. She sounds spoilt and entitled."

I am wondering who is right? And am I stingey, horrible cow?

OP posts:
BritWifeinUSA · 08/12/2020 02:46

No one should “expect” gifts, whether it’s Christmas or a birthday, whether you’re a single parent or married or childless. If someone wants to give someone a gift that’s very nice of them but gifts should never be expected.

Givemeabreak88 · 08/12/2020 02:52

Nope never received Xmas presents for my kids off any friends, not sure why being a single mum is relevant?

Original poster
Plantlover101 · 08/12/2020 02:57

Givemeabreak - fair question. I'm not sure myself why it's relevant. Just that she is one. I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing? Sorry if I've offended you.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 08/12/2020 03:01

I never expected presents for my dd, but some children don't have a lot of doting relatives and it is nice to think that a friend would care.

Sobeyondthehills · 08/12/2020 03:03

I have never bought my friend's kids christmas or birthday presents, unless its a big birthday.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/12/2020 03:03

Nothing to do with being a single parent. My closest single friends buy my DC presents, they dint have to of course. As adults we don’t do presents between us but I do now send a little something from my children to them. When my friends have their kids I will buy things for them.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 08/12/2020 03:07

I don't expect presents for my kids except from grandparents/ aunts and uncles. However I have one friend who was a struggling single mum for a few years before she met her new DP and I did send vouchers for her daughter at birthday and xmas. Don't bother now she has three kids and they are pretty well off.

Summerdayshaze · 08/12/2020 03:14

Nope.

Whattheactual20201 · 08/12/2020 03:38

I hate the term I literally never in real life introduce my self as a single mum. Neither do I point it out to anyone.
I was a “ single mum “ for 7 years very limited Involvement from their father.

Whattheactual20201 · 08/12/2020 03:38

Sorry ! That was the wrong thread ! I should clearly go there sleep 🤣

flaviaritt · 08/12/2020 07:13

I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing?

Hmm
Givemeabreak88 · 08/12/2020 07:43

You haven’t offended me I wasn’t sure why the single mum part was relevant because it’s not like all single mums expect presents from their friends, it’s literally just one person you know who happens to be a single mum.

CodenameVillanelle · 08/12/2020 07:46

I used to when I was young and only had one friend with kids. Then I had one and we continued for a couple of years and then more friends had kids and we just stopped.
I would never in a million years expect anyone to buy a gift for my DC.

nothingcomestonothing · 08/12/2020 07:49

Nope - my DC have no contact with their father, but they've got relatives giving presents coming out of their ears, no need for more! Your friend sounds grabby and rude.

Pipandmum · 08/12/2020 07:54

Unless I am actually seeing them at Christmas then no. I never expect anyone outside the immediate family to give my kids presents, plus grandparents.

Mumofsend · 08/12/2020 07:55

No, that would be weird

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 08/12/2020 09:06

No - it sounds absolutely bizarre. I wouldn’t expect any of my friends to buy presents for my DC, whether they are single or not. I don’t buy for my friends’ children either. I have quite a few friends who are single parents too, some high earners and others who earn very little, and I’ve never come across this.

Caplin · 08/12/2020 09:13

I had a friend who had two kids, her ex was a total loser. She worked her backside off in a low paid job and had virtually no money. I was single and each year I would buy her kids a lovely outfit from Gap and a toy.

After a few years she met a guy, he was lovely and gradually gave smaller gifts as she was more financially sorted and the kids had a really supportive step dad who loved them.

So yes, I suppose I felt the need to be a 'surrogate' for a while. I didn't want them going without. But on the other hand, if she hadn't been totally skint then I probably would have just given small gifts.

Now we only do kid gifts to a few close friends who also give small gifts to our kids.

Celandines · 08/12/2020 09:14

Im a widow and me and 2 of my closest female friends have always given birthday cards/presents/money to each other's kids before and after I was widowed. No Christmas presents though. We concentrate on our own kids then

Caplin · 08/12/2020 09:15

To add, she never expected anything from me!

Lollyneenah · 08/12/2020 09:17

Mine do and I do for theirs too. Nothing big - usually 10 quid barbie or similar