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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask single mums......

46 replies

Plantlover101 · 08/12/2020 02:31

... do you expect your single female friends to buy your child/ children birthday and Christmas presents?

OP posts:

Whyistheteacold · 08/12/2020 09:19

I wouldn't expect any friends to but anything for my DD, and equally it wouldn't occur to be to buy anything for a friend's DC unless I had spent a lot of time with the child or had a particularly close relationship with the child

user1493413286 · 08/12/2020 09:20

I don’t expect my friends to buy my DC birthday and Christmas presents but it’s quite normal in my circle of friends to do that. With a couple of my friends we’ve now moved to just buying presents for each other’s kids rather than for each other.

AlphaJura · 08/12/2020 09:20

No, I wouldn't expect it. Sometimes we have exchanged presents for kids with other close friends with kids, but it's not a given. There's already enough expense buying for family.

copernicium · 08/12/2020 09:23

My ex friend also demanded this. For herself and her child. Told me what her child was having from me for Christmas. "Main" present type gifts too.

No matter how much time and money I spent choosing and planning nice things, she always told me she was disappointed. "Ohh you made me so excited saying how you'd found the perfect present and I've waited all this time for this" kind of comments.

Note the word ex friend.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2020 09:33

I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing

I was with you until this little gem.

mummy2oli · 08/12/2020 10:58

Nope. I don’t expect anyone to buy a gift for my child or myself.
His godparents get him a gift, as does a close friend, I make sure they get a gift from him too. They being said regardless if they give gifts to him, I value them in my life and would always get them a gift regardless

Notglam · 08/12/2020 11:05

Im a single parent and I don’t expect gifts for my DC. I buy enough for birthday and Xmas to make up for our small circle.

However, I buy birthday presents for my close friend’s children and they buy for my DC.

My friends with no DC don’t buy gifts and I would never expect them to.

YANBU

lyingwanker · 08/12/2020 11:14

I only buy presents for children I am close to. I buy a very small gift for my best friends 2 kids and my sisters children. I see them several times a week, I look after them, I could tell you what they had for dinner most days. We are close is what I'm trying to say. I have 4 of my own kids and only "expect" gifts off grandparents and my sister, and that's only because it's a conversation that we've had and we both don't care of the value. Some years we can only afford £5, it's the thought and gesture that counts.

Floralprints · 08/12/2020 11:24

In our family (and do something similar with friends), you stop buying for the adult when they have a child and buy for the child instead. Why don't you stop buying her gift cards for her birthday and suggest you only buy for her DD?

DimplesToadfoot · 08/12/2020 11:48

No I never expected anyone to buy my children presents, I literally was a single parent in every sense of the word, my children have no grandparents, no aunts, no uncles, or cousins, so it was totally down to me to buy their presents.

However if a friend did buy mine a gift omg I was so grateful, even if it was a selection box, to me there was someone else on the world that cared and we weren't totally alone in the world ... gosh I'm tearing up just writing that.

Knowing how I felt back then, I now try to buy gifts for my single parent friends, sometimes its not the gifts its the gesture that means the most

emptydreamer · 08/12/2020 12:55

I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing?
Whoa. I am a single mother, I am "providing" presents and love to my coupled friends' children with a great pleasure. But probably I need now to take a long hard look at myself, I must be unknowingly undermining their fathers.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 08/12/2020 12:58

I didn’t expect presents from my friends for my kids when I was a single mum and I still don’t now that I am no longer a single mum.

Notglam · 08/12/2020 13:12

@DimplesToadfoot that’s my situation too. Just us two in the world plus the friends that have become family. Even just asking how my DC is doing makes my day.
It’s not about “things” it’s the thought for sure.

AllAboutHallowsEve · 08/12/2020 13:20

'I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing?'

I think people are being harsh criticising this post from another PP. I took it to mean they wondered if the friend was a lone parent and maybe her child doesn't get many xmas presents, so expect her friends to fill in the gap? I think it's a reasonable theory.

But if that is how the mum friend feels, then I think she's wrong to expect her mates to buy her child gifts. I'm a single mum and would never assume, or hint to my friends, that I expect them to give a gift to my son.

Original poster

Plantlover101 · 08/12/2020 16:35

@emptydreamer

I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing? Whoa. I am a single mother, I am "providing" presents and love to my coupled friends' children with a great pleasure. But probably I need now to take a long hard look at myself, I must be unknowingly undermining their fathers.

Hi, OP here. Can someone please explain to me why this is offensive as I really have no idea:

I wondered if perhaps she was looking to her friends to provide presents (and love) to her child that the absent father should have been providing?

Many thanks

OP posts:

Aprilx · 08/12/2020 16:51

I am not sure why the single mum or single friends is relevant. But it has never occurred to me to buy a gift for a friends child.

Original poster

Plantlover101 · 08/12/2020 16:52

I took it to mean they wondered if the friend was a lone parent and maybe her child doesn't get many xmas presents, so expect her friends to fill in the gap? I think it's a reasonable theory.

Yes, this is what I meant. I don't understand how else it could be interpreted but I am curious and hope someone will answer my soon.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 08/12/2020 17:24

I never expected them but friends did and I always made sure they were relatively inexpensive. Now DS buys for the one constant friend of mine in his life and she is absolutely thrilled with it!

firesong · 08/12/2020 22:45

Nooooooo... I don't get why she hinted like that for gifts either. Odd.

BexR · 08/12/2020 22:56

Nope. Although my close friends do buy for DC. None of my close friends have kids. If they did I would buy for them. I have bought for their cats.

OutComeTheWolves · 08/12/2020 23:05

Honestly I'd rather my friends got me something for Christmas than my kids. My kids get enough presents from me but I get fuck all.

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