Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP & pet situation

28 replies

Stellasartois · 08/12/2020 00:12

Looking for opinions as both myself and dp think we are right.

DP broke up with his ex partner and moved out of their house earlier this year and moved into his parents temporarily with his dog. Covid hit and he stayed there since. I’ve just asked him to move in and he’s here every day and I think it’s fair to let him contribute and have his own space for things etc instead of it being my house. Now the pet situation.

I have 2 young cats who don’t like his dog at all. She is 1 and very puppy like but unfortunately a very big dog for her age. For some reason she is very attached to me despite only staying a few times, she lives at his parents. I don’t feel like he is strict enough with her. She can’t be left in a room alone without whining or barking the place down, chases my cats even when they move away, doesn’t listen or settle. Because of this she is always with us when in the house and my cats have been pushed into one room during this time as she’ll otherwise chase them in their own home.

DP wants to put them in a room to ‘sort it out’ but I won’t put my cats in a situation they feel they need to use violence. I can’t even go in one room with the cats and the dog in another with him as she cries for me.

I’m pulling my hair out. I don’t want to lose this relationship but i can’t see how to make it work when he uses ‘she’s a puppy’ for every excuse and my cats are becoming prisoners in their own house.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 08/12/2020 00:15

He needs to train his dog and stop using lazy excuses,also sounds like his dog abs separating anxiety.

Luciferthecat666 · 08/12/2020 00:18

Your DP is being unreasonable here! She may be a puppy now but she won't be for long. The longer you leave her behaviour uncorrected the worse it will get! Unacceptable behaviours need to be corrected and trained out of them as puppies! I'd contact a dog trainer/animal behaviourist if I were you and see if they have any advice but your cats were there first his dog doesn't get to come in and rule the roost just because she's a puppy! Would your DP pander like this to a child having a tantrum? because there isn't much difference between the two.

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2020 00:19

I don’t think living together will work but that doesn’t mean it’s off.

Sparklfairy · 08/12/2020 00:20

DP wants to put them in a room to ‘sort it out’

I can't believe what I've just read Shock

Wanker.

Please don't put this twat above your poor cats. If he can't train his dog to sit, stay, and be gentle when they're in a room together then it's not fair to turn their lives upside down like this.

FWIW, we had a dog, and my sister moved back in with a little kitten. I still have the recording of when they first met because dog was trained and gentle and they became firm friends straight away. When we got the dog, we already had two cats and again we introduced them properly, with puppy under firm control. You don't just leave animals to have a fucking brawl and think they'll shake hands afterwards! What the fuck!

Bargebill19 · 08/12/2020 00:23

Dog and Dh training required before you go any further.

viques · 08/12/2020 00:23

If the dog moves in , or even when she visits then invest in baby gates to restrict her movement. Cats can get through to a comfortable space, dog can’t. But gates won’t stop the dogs poor behaviour and that is down to you do to sort out, especially if the dog is going to end up as a large breed.

Luciferthecat666 · 08/12/2020 00:26

@SBTLove I completely agree it sounds like the dog as separation anxiety.

@Stellasartois Have you thought of buying toys where you put treats in and the dog has to work out how to get them out? I know someone used this as a distraction technique and a reward for good behaviour.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/12/2020 00:27

I would say he needs to work out how to manage his dog's behaviour before he can move in.

Butchyrestingface · 08/12/2020 00:33

DP wants to put them in a room to ‘sort it out’

WTF. Does he want two dead cats without the vet's bill for euthanising them?

I'm sorry but his mind is gone. I wouldn't want a bar of him.

steppemum · 08/12/2020 00:40

we had a cat and got a rescue dog. We worked veyr hard with the dog to get him to leave the cat alone. Never left them alone together, gave the cat safe places, stair gates etc, and trained and trained and trained.

It took a long time. Bit by bit the cat re-took the house. Then one day the dog got too close and the cat wacked him on the nose. From then on the cat was boss, and they now sleep on same sofa. Every now and then dog forgets himself and chases cat down garden, but cat doesn't run that fast and dog stops before cat is out fo reach.

Worriedandabitscared · 08/12/2020 00:41

We have a baby gate on the stairs so they cats have somewhere to escape to where our dogs can't get to, may be an idea.

Original poster
Stellasartois · 08/12/2020 00:44

I’m so bloody sleep deprived every time his dog stays. My cats cry at the bedroom door to come in because this is where they sleep and if I go to sleep on the couch with them, his dog is crying and won’t settle. He’s now saying my cats are crying so his dog hasn’t even done anything. Pfft! Dog can’t be left alone or she’d be sleeping on her own!

He’s now on the couch being a martyr restraining the crying dog and cats are staring from the stairs.. all very well and good when I’m trying to bloody sleep! Argh

OP posts:
Original poster
Stellasartois · 08/12/2020 00:46

He seems to think he can’t correct puppy behaviour until she’s not a puppy. She’s one!

OP posts:
AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 08/12/2020 00:47

I would strongly advise consulting a properly qualified behaviourist, to give you both strategies to work on
a) the separation-related behaviours (whining, barking)
b) prey drive (chasing cats)

The world of dog training and behaviour is completely unregulated, so it's important to look for someone with APBC or CCAB accreditation
apbc.org.uk/help/regions
www.asab.org/ccab-register
DP should check his pet insurance policy - many will cover behaviourists.

In the meantime, don't let the dog anywhere near the cats - you don't want it practicing the behaviours, so that they become an ingrained habit. You may like to consider baby gates, with gaps in the gate large enough that the cats can escape through if necessary, but DDog can't follow.

What breed is the dog? I'm only wondering because some have more of an instinct to chase small furry things than others - a greyhound is a very different proposition to a labrador in that context!

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 08/12/2020 00:49

@Stellasartois

He seems to think he can’t correct puppy behaviour until she’s not a puppy. She’s one!
FFS. Puppy behaviours is going to become adult behaviour. If it isn't going to be cute when they're all grown up as the dog basically is now then it shouldn't be allowed as a puppy.

Normally that's advice given in the context of jumping up / play biting / licking faces and so on, but really it applies to absolutely everything.

Hurtandupset2 · 08/12/2020 00:51

Get rid of him. You won't solve this if he isn't interested in training the dog, which is what it sounds like. He won't change and you'll only end up resentful and pissed off with the whole situation.

steppemum · 08/12/2020 00:58
  1. teach dog to sleep on it's own. Part of bigger picture/seperation anxiety.
  2. At night your cats in your room and dog downstairs. OR also teach cats they don;t need to sleep with you, but then you need a separate safe space away from dog.
Chloemol · 08/12/2020 01:05

Either he trains the dog, and I suggest he needs to lay for someone to help epwith that, or the dog stays at his parents

It’s not fair on your cats who were there first

thegcatsmother · 08/12/2020 01:09

Keep the cats, lose the human.

Original poster
Stellasartois · 08/12/2020 01:12

@steppemum

1. teach dog to sleep on it's own. Part of bigger picture/seperation anxiety.
  1. At night your cats in your room and dog downstairs. OR also teach cats they don;t need to sleep with you, but then you need a separate safe space away from dog.
I would be more than happy to teach cats alternative sleeping arrangements but currently they live here and dog only stays occasionally so I don’t think it’s fair to bring a strange dog into the house and not allow them in their safe sleeping spot iyswim
OP posts:
Original poster
Stellasartois · 08/12/2020 01:12

I have to add relationship is great except when the dog is here. That’s why it’s so stressful

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 08/12/2020 01:17

You mention not being strict and correcting behaviour...that’s not the issue.

That’s not how you train dogs, especially not for things like separation and anxiety or chasing cats.

What you’ve got is a boyfriend who is a pretty shitty dog owner - he doesn’t want to put in the effort to train his dog even though she’s distressed and wants to shut her in a room with the cats when the most likely outcome is either her or the cats getting injured (or worse if it’s the cats)

To me, he’s coming across as lazy and really uncaring, towards his dog, your cats, you... what is it about the relationship you don’t want to lose?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 01:23

DP wants to put them in a room to ‘sort it out’

This alone should be enough of a red flag to dump this fuckwit. Honestly, anyone who thinks this way is an idiot. Imagining him as a father makes my blood curdle.

CharlotteRose90 · 08/12/2020 01:34

You need training ASAP and with both man and dog. Although you knew what you were taking on with him so I’d be preparing for him not to move in. I wouldn’t leave my dog for any man at all.

CharlotteRose90 · 08/12/2020 01:38

Oh god just seen that the cats sleep in your room and the dog also wants to join. That’s not fair from both sides. You need to separate them and Have the dog in one room and the cats in another downstairs. Puppy’s are like toddlers they get attached and jealous. If the dog whines let it, it won’t carry on all night.

Swipe left for the next trending thread