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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To visit mum on Xmas leaving partner for a few hours

39 replies

Idunnoyou · 07/12/2020 22:22

Is this okay?
Partner and mum don't get along.
I said to partner I was going to go and leave her for a few hours she got very upset. She doesn't have a mum as she passed so is usually alone during Xmas.
We been together nearly two years.

Am I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Idunnoyou · 07/12/2020 22:23

Mum won't be alone, has her partner (who I can't stand), my two brothers, grandad and uncles.

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 07/12/2020 22:27

Are you talking Xmas day or at some point over the Xmas period?

Amira19 · 07/12/2020 22:30

Why don't they get on? Tbh a new gf of almost two years versus the woman that raised me i know who I'd pick

Brighterthansunflowers · 07/12/2020 22:30

If you mean at some point from 23-27 december YANBU

If you mean leaving your partner on their own on Christmas Day to visit someone who has plenty of other people with them, YABa bitU. I imagine the fact you’re leaving them to visit someone who doesn’t like them stings a bit for your partner

Original poster
Idunnoyou · 07/12/2020 22:31

Xmas day

OP posts:
Original poster
Idunnoyou · 07/12/2020 22:32

They don't get on because my mum is very involved with my ex. I'm 33yrs old

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 07/12/2020 22:41

How important is it for you to see your mum Xmas day, given that she has other company? Has your mums involvement caused problems for you or your DP?

I wouldn’t want to leave my DP alone on Xmas day, how long is a few hours likely to be?

Jobsharenightmare · 07/12/2020 22:44

I would see my mum if we are talking 2 hours yes.

christmasathomeagain · 07/12/2020 22:46

Your mum has lots of people and it seems your partner doesn't. Can't you see her another day when your partner has more of a chance to do other things.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/12/2020 22:46

That's a lot of people...will they all be there Xmas day? That would put me off going

Why can't your partner go with you?

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 07/12/2020 22:47

How many households are mixing there?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2020 22:53

Which 2 hours? Were you both invited to spend Christmas there? Are you okay with your mum being friendly with your ex and if so why’s your partner upset about it?

HugeAckmansWife · 07/12/2020 22:53

Oh god can we not make this a Covid thing? Please? OP, if your mum has other company, I really think that unless your dp says 'no it's great, go, I'm watching x film, drinking gin etc' then stay home and see your mum boxing day. Also, if you want this relationship to get easier, after Xmas, you might want to sort out the problem.. Why is being close to your ex and issue? Was your current partner an ow?

Mmn654123 · 07/12/2020 23:00

Your mum isn’t alone. You don’t leave you gf alone on Christmas Day. Your mum needs to stop being so involved with your ex!

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 07/12/2020 23:04

Covid aside, YANBU. I have horses so DP has spent between 2 hours to half of Christmas day on his own (depending on circumstances). If he went to visit his parents or whatever for a couple of hours when I got home it wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t get the big deal tbh. But then, I relish time on my own, regardless of the day Grin

Now, your mother favouring your ex over your current partner IS something that would bother me

HeronLanyon · 07/12/2020 23:10

I’d see your mum on another day and not leave your partner (who has no mum) alone. Particularly as you know she’d be upset.
Phone your mum on the day. See her another day.

AlrightTreacle · 07/12/2020 23:11

They don't get on because my mum is very involved with my ex. I'm 33yrs old

Do you have kids with your ex?

Newkitchen123 · 07/12/2020 23:30

She's your mum.
It's a couple of hours.
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.
It all depends on family dynamics. My parents are no longer here but until they died there's no way I wouldn't have seen them on Christmas day. But that's just me

ineedaholidaynow · 07/12/2020 23:37

I will probably be popping over to see my DM on Christmas morning. Will be SD visit, so assume DH and DS won't come, as DM lives in sheltered accommodation so assume there will be quite a few visitors popping in and out to see their relatives, so don't want to add to numbers milling about. We might as a family go another day to go for a walk when everything will be less hectic.

So if you are just popping over to drop presents etc, can't see a problem (ignoring COVID) If you are going in for lunch and leaving your partner on their own, not ok

Popgoesthebubble · 07/12/2020 23:53

You
Your mum and her partner
A brother (presumably an adult if you are in your 30s)
Another brother
Grandad
Uncles (how many).

Good to see your family is taking a responsible approach this Christmas then...

Original poster
Idunnoyou · 08/12/2020 00:18

I don't have kids with my ex but his daughter my mum knows from a baby (he was a neighbour I dated) so they keep in contact. I see his daughter sometimes but this relationship was 4 years ago. My mum likes to update me on what my ex is doing, his job, home ect which my partner has heard. Probably doesn't help I still have his name tattooed on me but this is because I haven't found anything I wanted to replace it with. I don't want it on me!

She hasn't been invited to Xmas as my mum and her don't like eachother because of the above and my mum thinks she is a snob.

(may have figured it out but I'm bi, mum isn't homophobic though)

OP posts:
Original poster
Idunnoyou · 08/12/2020 00:19

Actually 6 years ago the relationship was. It's so irrelevant to me I can't even remember!

OP posts:
PodgeBod · 08/12/2020 01:45

Your mum has a lot of company. I wouldn't leave my DP alone on Christmas day. And I would be really upset if my DP left me alone for someone who didn't invite me.

Lollypop701 · 08/12/2020 03:09

The relationship between dm and do needs sorting tbh. There must be time when your partner isn’t there for your dm to mention ex to you. Your dm is being disrespectful if she is overtly mentioning ex, doing it a lot. It’s not nice to constantly mention ex in front of your Dp, Because there’s a child involved it’s hard for your partner to say anything without sounding like a bitch. You need to have a word with dm - you’ve been with your Dp for 2 years so dm needs to be making more of an effort tbh. Does Dp get on with rest of family? I wouldn’t leave partner if it makes her unhappy, and tbh I’d tell dm why... but in a way that your dm understands your choosing to stay with Dp as she feels unwelcome in dm house. That said if dm has mentioned it twice in 20 times your Dp has been round, maybe because she’s seen ex that day etc your Dp needs to get over herself....

Original poster
Idunnoyou · 08/12/2020 03:17

Thank you everyone I'm probably not going to leave her alone. Appreciate all the advice

OP posts:
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