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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy DP anything for Xmas

44 replies

GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 20:26

This past year I have become increasingly resentful towards DP for many reasons. We had a falling out recently which has resulted in me losing all respect for him. Since then I've tried to just keep things light so the atmosphere isn't as horrific as it was but he is acting like everything is A-OK. It isn't in my mind. He keeps going on about how I have said no to getting Christmas presents. Am I being an arsehole for not just buying him a something?

OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 20:29

Honestly I think you're being an asshole for not sorting things out properly or leaving the relationship. I obviously don't know what the argument was about but if you've "lost all respect for him" then why are you with him? Stop playing petty games and not getting Christmas presents and either sort the relationship out or make it clear you don't want to be with him.

Sorry if that was harsh but I just don't see the point.

HopeAndDriftWood · 07/12/2020 20:29

Are you staying together?

If you’re staying together and working on things, I’d buy him something.

If you’re not and it’s over, I’d end it now and stop dragging it out.

HellonHeels · 07/12/2020 20:31

Why dont you end the relationship? It doesnt sound fun at all.

Imapotato · 07/12/2020 20:32

As above. Either make an effort to leave the past behind you and move forward, or bite the bullet and end it. Living in a situation like you’ve described isn’t good for anyone.

Original poster
GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 20:34

Honestly I don't know. I don't have the time to worry about it at the moment. I have a lot of issues at work which need sorting first. I'd like to salvage things in the new year but in the meantime I just want to have a nice Xmas day, which will include him, but without the pressure of having to find an amazing gift. Fwiw I can't think of anything I'd want anyway so I'm not bothered to get something from him. But it is clearly annoying him because he keeps slipping it into conversation.

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 07/12/2020 20:36

Choose to forgive and move on. Or leave. This limbo situation isn't fair on anyone. You basically said you want things to be normal, then complain when he acts like things are normal?!?

Butterymuffin · 07/12/2020 20:38

Would the pressure be there to find an 'amazing gift'? Does he usually expect that?

JuicyMumma63 · 07/12/2020 20:40

Why don't you buy him a toaster and tell him it's a bath bomb. Problem solved!

LuckyNumberThirteen · 07/12/2020 20:41

You can't leave your partner dangling until you decide you can be bothered to work on your relationship.

Original poster
GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 20:42

@SummaLuvin ha! You are right and at the moment he cannot win with me. I'm that pissed off. No it isn't fun for anyone but we both have a lot to lose. Ideally we'd sort it out but with 2.5 weeks until Christmas there really isn't much that can be done right now. He has a comment for everything. Drives me mad.

I'm not trying to play games. I'm just trying to get through the next few weeks.

@Butterymuffin he is the sort of person who would only be happy if I produced him a cheque for £££

OP posts:
GlowingOrb · 07/12/2020 20:45

Do you live with him?

Heartlantern2 · 07/12/2020 20:48

If you have young children I’d buy a few things for him to open otherwise it looks like Santa forgot daddy, if not then I wouldn’t bother, however if I was your DP and got nothing, I wouldn’t want to be making it work in the new year.

Original poster
GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 20:48

@LuckyNumberThirteen I didn't think I was. I'm not threatening to leave. I want to sort things out but it's not the best time of year to try and open up wounds any more than they already are.

Yes we leave together.

OP posts:
HMSSophie · 07/12/2020 20:51

So t get him a present and those chinks and weak points in the relationship will be chasms and fault lines come 1 Jan. tbh if I was your DO I'd be completely pissed off with our relationship being put on the back burner pending your convenience

HMSSophie · 07/12/2020 20:52

So don't get him a present-

Original poster
GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 20:56

@HMSSophie he doesn't want to deal with it. He wants to pretend everything is fine. I'd rather sort it out properly after Christmas. Do most people really go in all guns blazing just before this time of year rather than have a nice Christmas and worry about the details after? This year's been so shit I'd like to have a nice break.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/12/2020 21:03

Who says go all guns blazing? No, that’s not how people should deal with things. They talk about the issues and try and work through them.

The atmosphere must be awful. You need to make a decision and see it though. Christmas presents or boy isn’t the real issue. If you need to talk about the relationship then I’m sure people will read and offer advice. Focussing on such a minor thing isn’t going to help you.

HappyDaze90 · 07/12/2020 21:04

Its not going to be a nice Christmas if he wakes up to nothing from his girlfriend though, is it?!
It’s going to cause more harm than it would if you just bought him something.

Personally I think you need to sort out whatever problems you have now, leaving it isn’t going to solve anything and if you really do resent him as much as you’re saying, it’s only going to get worse if you’re fuming and he’s acting like all’s good between you.

Without knowing the ins and outs, you sound kind of unreasonable in what you’re saying. Sit down and have an adult conversation. Get all your grievances out and maybe you’ll be able to have the “nice Christmas” you keep going on about. Otherwise, I can see the next few weeks being an absolute shit show for you both.

HMSSophie · 07/12/2020 21:16

Ok
So he wants to play a few rounds of "let's pretend everything is fine" and you do too but only half heartedly. If you want to stave off a big talk and rethink til after Xmas you have to get him a present.

m00rfarm · 07/12/2020 21:19

If I were him I would just leave. You need over 2.5 weeks to talk through and sort the issue? All about you and nothing about him. Either act normally and buy him a damn present, or split up. But how on earth can you expect a normal Christmas when you are clear that you have no intention of behaving normally?

Original poster
GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 21:19

@AnneLovesGilbert sorry I was just using the figure of speech. We're both quite avoidant of talking about our relationship. He always has been and has made it so difficult for me in the past that I'm scared to bring things up. I feel balanced atm. I don't want to feel upset and panicked at the moment as I need to be on the ball for my job.

I shall get the credit card out though.

@HappyDaze90 you're right. I know how it feels. For the past two/three years I have bought my own birthday presents three weeks after the event online with his card.

OP posts:
ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 07/12/2020 21:19

Why does it have to be all guns blazing? Why not just hash it out sensibly like adults?!

LEELULUMPKIN · 07/12/2020 21:21

With or without gifts it sounds like Christmas is going to be a hoot at your house.

How on earth are you expecting to "have a nice time" with that atmosphere?

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2020 21:24

he is the sort of person who would only be happy if I produced him a cheque for £££

Is he a cocklodger?

mopphead · 07/12/2020 21:29

But him something inexpensive that you think he'll like, even if he expects more. Perhaps a hardback book or a bottle of something he likes to drink. If he makes a fuss that you didn't spent more, that's on him. But tbh I would be gutted if DP just decided not to get me anything (me and DP have decided not to get each other anything this year, but it's by mutual agreement).

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