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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to buy DP anything for Xmas

44 replies

GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 20:26

This past year I have become increasingly resentful towards DP for many reasons. We had a falling out recently which has resulted in me losing all respect for him. Since then I've tried to just keep things light so the atmosphere isn't as horrific as it was but he is acting like everything is A-OK. It isn't in my mind. He keeps going on about how I have said no to getting Christmas presents. Am I being an arsehole for not just buying him a something?

OP posts:

Original poster

GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 21:29

@tallduckandhandsome he pays his way as do I. Money is very important to him.

@LEELULUMPKIN thanks.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/12/2020 21:32

Can you really have a nice Christmas feeling the way you feel and knowing what's coming?

Will you really enjoy the food,the drinks,the movies,the cuddles ,the jokes,the walks, whatever ?

Even if the answer is yes ,it all relies on him playing his "everything is fine " part, that won't happen unless you play yours too and pretend it's all fine too, which involves buying him something. Otherwise this big blow out you keep trying to avoid,might actually happen on Christmas day.

For your sake,I hope you do the smart thing and this will be your last Christmas with him anyways.

Meowchickameowmeow · 07/12/2020 21:35

I can't imagine having a nice Christmas in this circumstance, are you going to keep up a charade of even liking him the whole time? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Strangedayindeed · 07/12/2020 21:40

If it’s salvageable then surely you can work it out before Christmas? It’s dec 7th not Dec 24th. If it was Christmas Eve I’d say wait until after Christmas but you live together you’ll see him every day for the next 2.5 weeks. Just sort it out. It sounds like you just do g want to in which case just leave. No point dragging things out.

olivesnutsandcheese · 07/12/2020 21:41

Can you just say, let's have a £25 limit and just get stocking presents for each other.

Not much thought required then and you buy yourself some time to sort out in your head what it is you want and need from the relationship

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2020 21:49

Either decide to work on the relationship or end it.
Adults don’t generally decide not to deal with an issue this big for a few weeks.

Worriedaboutcovid19 · 07/12/2020 21:55

Has he cheated OP? I'm guessing so.

He doesn't buy you Xmas or birthday presents yet expects you to get him them?

So really hes not actually bothered about you having a lovely Christmas, just about him getting a Christmas present?

I'm guessing even if you sat there miserable on Christmas day he wouldn't be bothered so long as he has a present?

Dont get him one. Then leave.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/12/2020 21:57

@Wolfiefan

Either decide to work on the relationship or end it. Adults don’t generally decide not to deal with an issue this big for a few weeks.

I assume that is because OP hopes it can be saved,but deep down she knows it won't be so any attempts will either end with another massive row and a horrible atmosphere or be so bad that she finally has to say enough. For whatever reasons she can't or won't cope with either of those outcomes at the moment and that's fair enough.

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2020 22:02

So spend the holiday apart. However that needs to look like.
Blaming the partner but refusing to deal with the issue won’t help. Neither will harbouring resentment yet refusing to address the problem.
Hope there aren’t kids stuck in the middle of this.

Original poster

GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 22:03

@AccidentallyOnPurpose thank you for understanding.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/12/2020 22:04

[quote GranolaSquare]@AccidentallyOnPurpose thank you for understanding.[/quote]
Will you be safe if things do kick off? That's the most important thing.

Jobsharenightmare · 07/12/2020 22:06

Two avoidant people a miserable relationship makes. Whatever is happening at work is really more important than trying to work on the issues you are bringing to the table?

Original poster

GranolaSquare · 07/12/2020 22:14

@AccidentallyOnPurpose yes I will be. I'll make sure if it.

@Jobsharenightmare it does. I never used to be but I am now after years of things never being dealt with. Yes work is very important to me. It's a lifeline in these horrible times but I'm potentially facing a legal issue.

OP posts:

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/12/2020 22:15

@Jobsharenightmare

Two avoidant people a miserable relationship makes. Whatever is happening at work is really more important than trying to work on the issues you are bringing to the table?

Well odds are she'll lose a relationship(that's dead in the water ), depending how serious the work issues are she might want/need to focus on that so she doesn't lose her job too?

Bluestar99 · 07/12/2020 22:17

You sound really stressed, have you looked into talking to someone about everything? Work, relationships and everything that’s making you feel helpless about it.
Or is there something you do together that usually helps bring you back on track? For what it’s worth, I’ve often felt the same about my partner. We disagree on a lot of things and have different values in some ways but also a lot of meaningful values in common, and when we manage to connect its worth it. But I’ve had dark days feeling like you seem to be. Lockdown doesn’t help! Soldiering on won’t necessarily be the best way to spend Christmas though x

GlowingOrb · 07/12/2020 22:18

If you really want to just table the issue until January, then you have to do the things that make life seem normal, like exchanging gifts. Otherwise there is no point in delay, just have the fight.

Pikachubaby · 07/12/2020 22:23

If you want to pretend things are ok (or “nice” even) on Christmas you, you need to get some sort of present (unless you both properly agree not to do them), it can be a nice jumper and a book, and if he gets pissy about that, that’s on him, and not on you (and you should therefore feel no guilt)

I am giving my DH a jumper, he’s giving me earrings and nice bath stuff. For reference

It does not have to be about ££££

Hope your work goes well, and you get headspace at Christmas to figure things out

ToniTheDonkey · 08/12/2020 11:01

@JuicyMumma63

Why don't you buy him a toaster and tell him it's a bath bomb. Problem solved!

Excellent idea!

ToniTheDonkey · 08/12/2020 12:05

I think that if you genuinely want to see if the relationship can be saved by talking about it and working on it after New Year, you need to demonstrate to your DP that you intend to do this. You need to buy him a present of some kind. I know you said he is money orientated and would only be happy with a cheque for £££, but you need to make a little bit of effort. Can you afford to spend £50 or £25 on him? I think you need to demonstrate your intention to see if you can both work on the relationship and that you haven’t checked out. I worry that if you don’t make any effort with regards to a present, he will see this as you wanting to break up and it will not result in the nice Xmas break you are hoping for.

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