Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very annoyed

40 replies

FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 17:21

My stepdaughter is 26, she never lived with us growing up (just the usual every other weekend visits) but moved in after she broke up with her boyfriend around 4 years ago. My husband sleeps on the sofa as he has a massive snoring issue (this has been going on for nearly a year now) and even when he tried to sleep in bed with me he always ends up back in the sofa. 4 months ago my stepdaughter started a new job three hours away. She has only been back 4 times since then for a couple nights each. She doesn’t pay us any rent but isn’t going to be moving into her own place until end February next year (room and board is provided for her as part of her job until then). I want her bedroom back so I can get a decent bed in there for me or my husband to sleep in if he sleeps with me and snores. Am I being unfair? He says I am and I should just wait until the end of February but this is having a negative impact on my marriage

OP posts:
Cherrytreepuddle · 07/12/2020 17:27

Shes your husbands daughter, if he's happy to give up his bed for her that's his lookout. I don't see that your marriage would be any different if he's sleeping in a spare room or on the sofa, if you're worried about not bed sharing that is.

katy1213 · 07/12/2020 17:32

Get the bed. If your stepdaughter visits, and your husband wants to sleep on the sofa while she's there, that's up to him.

Original poster
FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 17:32

My husband is always the one that gets up in the night but he has a bad back so the sofa is not good for him, a bed is better. Also, I would be happy to sleep in a spare room if he was snoring but I really don’t want to sleep on the sofa as a regular thing.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/12/2020 17:40

Put a decent bed on her room, and if she's not there your DH can sleep on it.

What does she sleep on in that room?

Original poster
FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 17:45

Single bed but it is not suitable for husband or me to use and a lot of her stuff is still in the room (it is a small room) so it would need to be at least boxed up. I don’t mind getting a bigger bed with built in storage and putting all of her stuff in the storage section of the bed but my husband doesn’t want to do this either.

OP posts:
KatieGGGG · 07/12/2020 17:46

If I’ve read this correctly she’s had the room for 4 years and will be gone for good end in February? For the sake of a couple of months is it worth saying anything? It’s your partner giving up a bed for his daughter that’s his choice. Plus I don’t see why it’s a regular thing if she’s only been back 4x in 3 months?

MiddleClassProblem · 07/12/2020 17:50

Where has she been staying if she’s only been back 4 times? Can she take some stuff there?

Topseyt · 07/12/2020 17:52

Just wait until the end of February when she is planning to move out.

It isn't worth causing an argument when the end is already in sight and the situation will resolve itself.

You can surely still get the bed though.

ScalpHelp · 07/12/2020 17:54

You’re in the wrong here.

She’s definitely moving out and has already given you a set date. Your husband is more than happy to wait for another 2 months to help his child out - he doesn’t mind sleeping on the sofa in the interim.

You sound a bit resentful as realistically the situation is already coming to an end, yet you’re trying to force it to do so prematurely for no real reason. You are aware that there’s other methods to deal with snoring such as speaking to the GP etc - the sofa/spare room conundrum isn’t the only solution.

Original poster
FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 17:57

It is a job in a hotel that has room and board. It (the room at the hotel) was not meant to be for so long but they extended it twice so it means she doesn’t have to rent a place until end feb unless they extend it again. Her stuff isn’t an issue. It is the fact that there is an empty room. If it was my daughter (his stepdaughter) I would have told her I am gonna change the bed and tidy her stuff up so we can use it as a spare room. If the job doesn’t work out she can move back home and also stay in it when she visits. My husband won’t do this however.

OP posts:
aeiouaeiouaeiou · 07/12/2020 17:58

The big problem is your husband using his daughter as an excuse to sleep on the sofa. Let him have the sofa if he's happy with it!

Original poster
FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 18:02

Yes I am fucking resentful. My husband has spent like 5 nights in bed with me since January. I have an empty room that we cannot use and an adult child we are holding a room for. It’s not like she is at uni or just moved out. My husband won’t go to the GP. I have tried. Also we don’t have a set date for her moving out. The room and board was only for 2 months. Then it was extended by another month and now extended till feb.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 07/12/2020 18:03

I agree with you; I wouldn’t want my sofa used as a bed (bad for the sofa, bad for the back - and no, it’s not just his problem if he has a bad back, as you’re his wife). I’d just tell him and her I was no longer happy with the arrangement and change it. Obviously there would always be a bed for her (the new bed could be made up fresh if she came to stay) but a spare bedroom empty and adults sleeping on the sofa is ridiculous.

myhobbyisouting · 07/12/2020 18:05

Why can't either of you sleep in the bed in her room?

ChickensMightFly · 07/12/2020 18:06

You seem unnecessarily making this awkward. Its her room until she moves out in a very short amount of time. Put a good bed in there, it will always be handy whatever happens. He can sleep in it when she's away, then change the sheets and it's here's on the odd occasion she's home.
The fact that your house wasn't her main home growing up is irrelevant. I'm sure wherever I live my children can count it as home no matter what.
You seem to have some genuine reasons for wanting to change the shaping arrangements, but see her presence in the house being taken out of the picture as the only solution, when it's not. You will make her feel really unwelcome, why do that, it's only until February and her father doesn't support it. It's like you resent her existence and intrusion in your life when she's the daughter of your dh so she is part of your family.

flaviaritt · 07/12/2020 18:15

I think people might be ignoring the OP here. Obviously it makes sense for the DH to sleep in the DSD’s room (and get a decent bed) but he won’t.

Butchyrestingface · 07/12/2020 18:16

He says I am and I should just wait until the end of February but this is having a negative impact on my marriage

How is it negatively impacting your marriage? Especially since the situation will resolve by the end of February.

Your husband sounds pretty massive about his health.

Trickyboy · 07/12/2020 18:18

Oh FFS here come the 'it's their home/their room ' brigade .. NO ITS FUCKING NOT !! she's not a child who he sees 50 /50 .. she's a fully grown working adult.

As mother to 3 and sm to 4 no way would I put up with this OP. But obviously you have a Disney dad looooong after that nonsense should of stopped .. it's bloody tedious at 16 let alone another decade later.

YOU are going to have to speak to her. Explain that her father has a bad back and you need to get a suitable bed in the room she has used. For her father to sleep on... and could she come and pack her stuff to make some space or give you permission to do so.

And before the howling banshees of the 'step children must never be questioned on any matter ' club chime in ... would a SINGLE one of you expect YOUR father to sleep in a sofa whilst there is a vacant bedroom ?

If 'no' then why would you mind being asked to sort the room out.

If 'yes' .. have you always been self absorbed?

pinkdragons · 07/12/2020 18:20

There is a bed in her room. It might be a single. But isn't the sofa that sort of size?
Why not sleep in the bed that is currently there, for now? Doesn't make sense.

Bringbackthestrips · 07/12/2020 18:21

Single bed but it is not suitable for husband or me to use

Why can’t he sleep in her single bed but he can sleep on the sofa? Surely the single bed is wider than the sofa Confused
Yes I am fucking resentful. My husband has spent like 5 nights in bed with me since January Her being in that room isn’t the reason your DH hasn’t slept with you though.

HighNoon · 07/12/2020 18:23

Yanbu. She's 26 same age as my kid who also lives elsewhere. If they come home there's a bed available but as a beloved guest, which they now are.

Grenlei · 07/12/2020 18:25

I think the OP is deflecting her annoyance at the fact her DH won't try and resolve this snoring problem and therefore can't share a bed with her onto the SD and the bedroom issue.

I'd want my partner to share a bed with me. If he wasn't I wouldn't care if he was on the sofa, in another bedroom or sleeping in the bath, it doesn't make much odds really.

NerrSnerr · 07/12/2020 18:26

Why isn't the bed suitable to sleep on? If it's suitable for another adult what is the issue?

Personally I'd suck it up until February but have one of you sleep in her room when she isn't there.

JorisBonson · 07/12/2020 18:28

@FlowerOfEvil

Yes I am fucking resentful. My husband has spent like 5 nights in bed with me since January. I have an empty room that we cannot use and an adult child we are holding a room for. It’s not like she is at uni or just moved out. My husband won’t go to the GP. I have tried. Also we don’t have a set date for her moving out. The room and board was only for 2 months. Then it was extended by another month and now extended till feb.
It's not her fault he snores.
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2020 18:28

I’m confused why your DH can’t sleep in a single bed rather than the sofa and also if he DID sleep in her room yes still it in bed with you, not her fault in the slightest