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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be very annoyed

40 replies

FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 17:21

My stepdaughter is 26, she never lived with us growing up (just the usual every other weekend visits) but moved in after she broke up with her boyfriend around 4 years ago. My husband sleeps on the sofa as he has a massive snoring issue (this has been going on for nearly a year now) and even when he tried to sleep in bed with me he always ends up back in the sofa. 4 months ago my stepdaughter started a new job three hours away. She has only been back 4 times since then for a couple nights each. She doesn’t pay us any rent but isn’t going to be moving into her own place until end February next year (room and board is provided for her as part of her job until then). I want her bedroom back so I can get a decent bed in there for me or my husband to sleep in if he sleeps with me and snores. Am I being unfair? He says I am and I should just wait until the end of February but this is having a negative impact on my marriage

OP posts:

KittenCalledBob · 07/12/2020 18:29

As it's only for a couple more months I'd put up with it tbh.

Original poster

FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 18:30

Gosh everyone. I love my step daughter, I don’t want to remove her presence from my our house as someone said. I just wanted to have access to a bed so me and my husband can sleep somewhere (apart from the sofa) if he is snoring. I cannot sleep in stepdaughters bed, it is too small and awkwardly positioned in the room. I don’t resent my stepdaughter. I resent my husband as he is being an idiot. I would like him to chat with her about us getting a new larger bed (the bed in the room is ours) so as someone posted it can be shared when she comes home to visit. Yes I can wait til feb but It may not even be then that I can change the bed as the room and board position may end up being extended even longer. This and the snoring have caused a lot of argument between me and my husband

OP posts:

vanillandhoney · 07/12/2020 18:32

This has nothing to do with your step-daughter and everything to do with your husband not getting help for his snoring.

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2020 18:33

Why is her bed too small to use, is it not an adult sized bed?

I'm confused as to why not having access is the reason he hasn't shared a bed with you in months, surely the snoring is the reason for that and using her room is just another way to facilitate him sleeping elsewhere?

But yes, the logical thing to do is to ensure the bed in there can be slept in and for him to sleep in there. I wouldn't be moving rooms yourself at all, it sounds like this is all his doing so his to deal with.

Original poster

FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 18:41

It is a full size single but her room would need to be rearranged (tidied up really) for anyone else to be able to sleep in the bed. My husband would just rather sleep on the sofa tbh than even mention it to her so my hands are tied. A new bed would be for me more than him as I always end up waking him up when he is snoring so I feel bad and I figure if he starts snoring I can just quietly go to sleep in the spare bed so he is not the one always having to get up.

OP posts:

Phoenix21 · 07/12/2020 18:46

Can you not just order the bed and ask her to get the room tidied by x date as a new bed is coming?

I agree with pp though, you are upset that you are not sharing a bed but even if you get a new bed the actual issue will still exist?

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2020 18:51

Well firstly if he is the one snoring and won't go to the GP then you shouldn't feel bad for waking him, he is being jealous.

But I just really can't understand why it's such a problem for him to sleep in her bed, especially if only until February. Is there stuff on the bed?

Original poster

FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 18:53

I don’t mind sleeping in the bed on my own. I have gotten used to it and quite enjoy the space but I feel bad he is on the sofa because even though it is a pretty comfortable sofa (I have slept on it before) the bed is better. He doesn’t always snore but every time he has slept in the bed (to try again so to speak) he has (ironically) snored and I lie in bed listening to it and debating on whether to quietly go downstairs and sleep on the sofa (which I really don’t want to do) or wake him up and I think to myself if only I had another bed I would go and sleep in it and leave my poor snoring husband to his sleep

OP posts:

Original poster

FlowerOfEvil · 07/12/2020 18:57

In order to sleep in her bed we would have to tidy and rearrange her room, change the sheets etc but I wouldn’t want to do that without talking to her first and my husband says no, he will just sleep on the sofa. The reason it keeps going on is that the room and board keeps getting extended so the time frames for sorting the room out keep getting longer.
Thanks you for your helpful advice. I will just wait till February and see what happens before I broach the subject again

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2020 19:10

In order to sleep in her bed we would have to tidy and rearrange her room, change the sheets etc

Why though? If it's suitable for her to sleep in surely it's suitable for any adult to sleep in? Has she build a barricade or bought sheets made of razor blades?

I agree with you that at her age and given the amount she is there the room should be available to you as a guest room but I just don't understand your reasoning about why he can't just be sleeping in there as is for the time being.

ScalpHelp · 07/12/2020 19:42

My husband has spent like 5 nights in bed with me since January.

That’s because he doesn’t want to, or because you ask him to leave. It has nothing to do with your daughter

This and the snoring have caused a lot of argument between me and my husband

Again, I feel like you’re deflecting the blame onto your daughter over this. It’s clear that you both have marital issues. Your problems and bickering is not her fault, at all. Even if she moved out properly and you bought a new bed, your marital issues would still exist as you haven’t dealt with the core problem!

Not to be nasty, but if he was that desperate to sleep next to you, he would have been to the GP at some point within the last 12 months.

ScalpHelp · 07/12/2020 19:48

@Trickyboy Jesus you sound really agitated over this - yikes.

YOU are going to have to speak to her. Explain that her father has a bad back and you need to get a suitable bed in the room she has used.

You’re fundamentally missing the point due to your red mist! He WANTS to sleep on the bloody sofa and is choosing not to use her bedroom. It was his decision - the daughter hasn’t said he’s not allowed!

innercitysumo · 07/12/2020 19:48

None of this is to do with her. The issue is your husband isn't sleeping with you. Getting a new bed isn't going to magically fix the snoring.

livefornaps · 07/12/2020 19:49

Your husband sounds like a lazy arse who completely fails to take a proactive approach to anything

pinkdragons · 07/12/2020 19:59

He could sleep in that room as it is. If he wanted to.
A bit of tidying/ changing sheets is nothing.

But he doesn't want to.

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