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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do I do? Is he cheating?

73 replies

Fifegal · 07/12/2020 16:06

Hello all! Hope your all enjoying the run up to xmas with the little ones.

Wasn’t going to post because this is a bit of a negative one, but when my mum was in the supermarket the other day, some guy went up to her and told her he had some news about my partner. He went to show mum a picture of my OH kissing a woman. He said he hasn’t told me because he didn’t want to upset me and he’s a friend but not that close and wanted the family to make the decision. He wouldn’t give his name but said he needed to get it off his conscience.

Mum told me that it was definitely my OH in the picture and it was a recent photo because he got a tattoo in it.

I confronted my OH straight away and he of course said it’s a load of rubbish (which most would say).

My only thing is, would you trust someone without knowing who they are for sure and why did he have a picture of them kissing?

OP posts:

pooopypants · 07/12/2020 16:48

If it was a one-off, maybe. Twice? Nah. Run while you can. The hills are that way >>>>>

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2020 16:49

My only thing is, would you trust someone without knowing who they are for sure and why did he have a picture of them kissing?

You know the answer to this, he was there when they were kissing.

Bumble84 · 07/12/2020 16:49

If you feel the evidence is concrete then what difference does it make whether you caught him or not?

Maybe this man wanted you to know who you were marrying before it was too late, maybe he is the woman’s partner and felt you deserved to know as well as him. He’ll even if he just thinks your partner is an arse who cares what the motivation is.

hammeringinmyhead · 07/12/2020 16:50

"It's a load of rubbish" is not an acceptable response to "My mum has seen the photo and it is you, tattoo and all, so what's your explanation?"

ILikeStrongTea · 07/12/2020 16:55

How can a photo be a ‘load of rubbish’?

You’ve been told he’s cheated twice now, he’ll continue when you’re married.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 07/12/2020 16:56

Is your mums word enough for you that she knows it was him? If it is then you know he's lying

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2020 16:59

So when he said it was a load of rubbish. And you know it’s true, what did you say as you knew he was lying?

I don’t really understand what you’re asking. Your bloke is over the side. Extensively. Either with the same woman or different ones. Why are you asking if you should trust the guy? What difference does that make? You’ve indisputable proof.

The guy was likely there and was watching them so took the pic as he felt bad for you.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2020 17:00

@Fifegal

Because he’s apparently a friend and knows who my mum is.

That’s what I’m thinking but with covid etc, he’s barely left the house so wondered how he could?

When did he get the tattoo? And when was he out since then?

Because a friend has seen him out with this woman. Either joint socialising, or they were out alone and he spotted them.

JWrecks · 07/12/2020 17:03

I'd believe my mum without question, and I would thank god for my anonymous friend's kindness.

You'll lose a lot more than money if you go through with this and get married to him.

KatieGGGG · 07/12/2020 17:04

OP the man in the supermarket could be a number of people - your friend that didn’t know how to bring it up without the messenger being shot, “D”P friend that feels bad for you, the lover of the other woman in the picture.

It really doesn’t matter.

What matters is getting yourself the fuck away from your partner, especially when he doesn’t respect you enough to either tell you himself, or worse still lie when confronted. I believe in some circumstances cheating can be recovered from but not when there’s lying and gaslighting. You deserve more than someone who thinks you’re not worth being honest with.

TJ17 · 07/12/2020 17:10

Why would people keep repeatedly lying about him cheating?

I'm so sorry to sound harsh as I do feel for you but I feel like you need some tough love! Open your eyes you're being made to look like a mug!

You deserve better!

Darkerdowndays · 07/12/2020 17:13

You don't need to trust the bloke with the photo or know who he is, you just need to trust your mum, who has seen the photo, and knows what your OH looks like. There isn't really a plausible explanation for why he'd be photographed kissing another woman, and if he did have a good explanation, he'd already have told you it. He'd be out on his arse if it were me!

CarolinaWeeper · 07/12/2020 17:19

I had a similar situation although no photo evidence. A friend told another friend of mine that he had seen my ex-DP kissing another woman in a restaurant. I confronted my DP and he swore blind it was a case of mistaken identity and the friend must be mistaken so I chose to believe him.....a few months later it all came out and of course he'd been cheating. I think you know the answer to your question already.

If you really need to see the evidence with your own eyes then do as a pp said and show the Facebook pictures of all friends it could possibly be to your mum to see if she can identify him.

knittingaddict · 07/12/2020 17:21

@Fifegal

I’m not questioning the evidence because its concrete but I’m questioning the motive and would you throw your wedding away for a situation of someone told this person without catching your partner in the act yourself? We are due to get married in a matter of months and have spent a lot of money!

Yes I would throw a wedding away, and the man.

Someone I know was told twice by separate people that her partner had cheated. He denied everything and they still got married. It's not hard to guess what happened during the marriage. He was a cheater, with the added bonus of being an abuser, so yes I would investigate further and then make a decision. Do not bury your head in the sand.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2020 17:22

Also, I mean if my husband said to me someone had a pic of me kissing another bloke, I’d be all over it like a rash, I’d be identifying the person with his mum, hunting him down, I’d not rest, because I would know it wouldn’t be true.

I’d not just say it’s rubbish. What a thick as pig shit answer. Eh dude, you were doing it publicly, what did you think was going to happen!

hammeringinmyhead · 07/12/2020 17:25

Absolutely agree you don't need to trust the man; just your mum. It doesn't matter why or how he got the photo but it exists.

BillMasen · 07/12/2020 17:26

I’d question the evidence if it was just one picture and one that I hadn’t actually seen. Yes I trust my mum but I’d need to see, not just a second hand description. People can be mistaken, or deceived.

Plastichearts · 07/12/2020 17:26

Where was the picture taken? Why was this person there?

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2020 17:28

@Plastichearts

Where was the picture taken? Why was this person there?

Why’s that remotely relevant?

RosePetalss · 07/12/2020 17:29

I’m sorry you are going through this @Fifegal but if this is the 2nd time someone has said this to you a year apart I would be very concerned that he is having some kind of affair.

Do you know where he is most of the time? Has there been times where he has been late? Or taken extra shifts at work etc? What about his mobile? Is he secretive with it?
Think you need to sit down and have a very good think as of course asking him is no good as he will cover his arse.

Good luck I hope you find out the truth.

EKGEMS · 07/12/2020 17:29

As a person who has had a long marriage I'd divorce a cheating partner without a doubt. It's a deal breaker for me

berrygirlie · 07/12/2020 17:30

Can you ask this friend?

Surely they would know your mum would tell you about this and therefore there's no anonymity, so I think reaching out and trying to see the photo would be a smart move.
(though I think it's actually a bit shoddy to go up to someone's mum in a shop and show her a photo of her DD's DP cheating on her. Why not go to you directly, or do it in a more covert way?)

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 07/12/2020 17:30

How did your mum leave it with this guy, didn't she ask his name or try to get the photo sent to her?

occa · 07/12/2020 17:31

Goodness what more proof do you need? Yes, of course he's cheating! And it must be pretty blatant if more than one person has told you.

Why on earth would you even consider staying with him?

hammeringinmyhead · 07/12/2020 17:32

There is anonymity if the mum doesn't know who he is. The showing your mum your social media friends idea is a good one.

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