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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate my parents dog.

41 replies

HappyChristmas29 · 07/12/2020 14:08

Not sure what the point of this post is really. I’m a dog lover and owner. I love them and would own a house load of dogs if my husband let me.

But there’s one dog I can’t stick and it’s my parents dog. They’ve had her since a small pup but she’s awful. Personally I think she had a bad start and she may of come from some kind of puppy farm. Not the dogs fault or course. She’s not a puppy anymore. They don’t even know the breed. She’s been a nightmare since they got her.

They own another dog who is lovely but said dog is awful.

She doesn’t like visitors, she barks and growls and gets jealous if anyone goes near my mum and dad (like my kids cuddling them pre covid), she has gone to bite me a few times, she’s bit people (family members) before - didn’t cause a serious injury but did draw blood, she jumps up and knocks dc over. They are used to dogs. Both my children love them - particularly my youngest as she’s been brought up around them but even she is scared of this one. My mother just laughs it off and doesn’t shut her away.

Lockdown has been a relief not seeing it. I don’t want to visit at Christmas as I don’t like the bleddy dog. They could come here but it’s a bit much as my families quite big - my brothers and sisters all still live at home. The dog seems okay with them just not outsiders.

Like I say, not sure what the point of this post is but aibu to expect them to lock the dog in another room or something?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2020 14:12

Don’t blame the dog, blame your patents for not training/managing it properly. Your Mum laughing off bites is really awful

wetotter · 07/12/2020 14:14

YANBU

A dog that bits and scares visitors needs to be shut away from the visitors

A family member had a rescue with a really iffy temperament and aggressive demeanour. I used to refuse to enter the house until assured the dog was secured - something they were happy to do. The dog was very bonded to the permanent residents of the house and they could always keep him under control. But they knew how scary the lunging and growling was, and so acted responsibly - better for the dog to be calm (in the utility room, with his bed) than stressed round strangers

Wolfiefan · 07/12/2020 14:15

I agree. It’s not a dog problem. It’s the owners who are at fault. Lack of boundaries and training.

AriesTheRam · 07/12/2020 14:39

Is it a Chihuahua?

HappyChristmas29 · 07/12/2020 14:58

@AriesTheRam nope, they don’t actually know what breed. Think it could be a mix of a few.

My mum isn’t the easiest to talk to. She’s always got the attitude that it’s the dogs house so if you don’t like it, don’t come. An excitable dog is one thing but a vicious one is another!

Their other dog is lovely. I just don’t understand what went wrong. Even if the pup did have a bad start they’ve had it from 8 weeks!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/12/2020 15:01

It’s not the fault of the dog. It’s their fault. Just don’t go. Why would you put you or your family at risk of being bitten. That way you can swerve the attitude too!

JacobMarley · 07/12/2020 15:05

My mum isn’t the easiest to talk to. She’s always got the attitude that it’s the dogs house so if you don’t like it, don’t come

There’s your answer. Don’t go round to theirs. Your mum isn’t worried about the safety of your children so you have to protect them by staying away.

rosemarypancakes · 07/12/2020 15:07

this sounds like more of a training issue to me - biting etc should be trained out of the dog and definitely not just laughed off! if your kids are in danger of being bitten, I think you can be blunt about this to your mother - its either the dog or the privilege of seeing grandchildren!

MariaK91 · 07/12/2020 15:47

I have a similar problem with my FIL who just does all to control his dog and I hate it. I have banned it from my house, much to the ILs disgruntlement, but I had enough of it and don't care if it upset them now. I cant stand it when people get dogs, don't train them and then expect everyone else to put up with it. Especially when they expect it to be around children. Like you I love dogs but similarly I like humans who are nice and hate humans who are jerks!

MrsTwitcher · 07/12/2020 15:51

Its not the dogs fault. You know that and it probably senses you dont like it. Just don't bother going round there any more.

TwoStepsAhead34 · 07/12/2020 15:57

I have a lovely friend, but her dog is a nightmare- I personally think the dog is untrained, but she says it's normal for that "breed combination": pissing in the house. Every single time I'm round there, the dog pisses on the sofa or floor or on me. Then the dogs nails are soooo long and sharp and apparently "they can't be cut back any more". It barks like lunatic, it runs around (sometimes while pissing), chews all the shoes (basically anything she can get her teeth around).
She sometimes brings the dog around here and it acts the same around here. I have carpets and spend an hour with the VAX washing pissy carpets. All throws from sofa have to be washed etc.
I've stopped now having the dog around, although my friend constantly tries to give it to me for "a sleepover" as my friend has got things to do. I'm like no, thanks, I'm busy. It's chihuahua + Jack Russell mix.

FestiveChristmasLights · 07/12/2020 15:59

My mother just laughs it off and doesn’t shut her away.

Your mother is the problem, not the dog. YANBU to want the dog to be locked in another room but YABU to expect it. If you don’t want your children near the dog (understandable) then don’t let them visit.

AriesTheRam · 07/12/2020 16:42

I have a Chihuahua thats all and it sounds v familiar behaviour!

HappyChristmas29 · 07/12/2020 17:36

@AriesTheRam I have a friend who’s chihuahua and can a be a handful too but I also have a neighbour with one who is lovely! Sometimes she escapes and she lets me pick her up for cuddles and take her home 🤣 she’s lovely! (I love dogs)

My parents were told that their dog is half Jack Russell but just can’t see it having had a Jack Russell myself. She is small but a lot bigger than a Jack Russell, no JR colourings or shape at all! They picked her up from a car park and didn’t even go to their home to see the mum dog! All a bit suspicious!

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 07/12/2020 17:45

Just stop going round there. There is no way my children would be going into a house with a dog that has a bite history.

I say this as a dog owner, dog lover and professional dog walker. No way. Every time you go there, you're putting your children in danger.

I was bitten at work three months ago and the wound still hasn't healed properly. Please protect your children.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/12/2020 19:19

The issue seems to be that your parents are unaware of their dogs needs, that their dog is likely anxious/insecure/conflicted and untrained as well.. and aren't willing to do owt about it!

If they've got a pup with a genetic predisposition towards fearful behaviour, and they are clueless as to dog behaviour and unwilling to do anything about it... then yeah, there wouldn't need to be any particularly awful event just a general lack of correct socialisation/habituation/training would do it.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/12/2020 19:28

I love dogs. Would have one in a heartbeat but can’t as we don’t have the time for one. We’ve looked after a friend’s dog whilst they have been on holiday and love giving loads of attention to people’s dogs when we see them.

In spite of this, there is no way I would be going to their house whilst that dog is there. I wouldn’t go by myself and I certainly wouldn’t take my DDs there. Agree with PPs that it’s your DM’s fault not the dog.

Unsure33 · 07/12/2020 19:44

I have two dogs who have never bitten anyone and I still offer to put them in another room when we have visitors .

yeOldeTrout · 07/12/2020 19:51

Need someone from one of the Dog Whisperer Telly programmes.

So many times very problem dogs get what seem like terrible problems to me sorted quite easily.

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/12/2020 14:09

The 'quick fixes' seen on various 'dog whisperer/dog father' type tv programs are based in punishment to suppress behaviour, and they last about as long as it takes to film the follow up 'six weeks later' bit.. and then all the side effects of that sort of training show up... by which point the 'client' is bound by an NDA and can't complain that their dog is now worse than it was before.

An actual behaviourist is probably required, these actually typically cost less than the tv charlatans and are much more effective, but that only works if the dogs owner recognises there is a problem and wants to fix it, the OP's parents don't seem to fit that bill.

vanillandhoney · 08/12/2020 14:14

@yeOldeTrout

Need someone from one of the Dog Whisperer Telly programmes.

So many times very problem dogs get what seem like terrible problems to me sorted quite easily.

What you see on TV is not what happens in real life, though. Those TV shows are designed to make good viewing, which generally means naughty dogs get miraculous results in seconds.

You have no idea how long those episodes are filmed over and what goes on behind the scenes. Victoria Stilwell was a TV trainer who was very open about the fact that she could give advice until the cows come home, but if the owners didn't keep up the training, nothing would change.

MrsLebowski · 08/12/2020 14:16

This poor dog is probably very anxious after a difficult start in life and nervous of children. That's quite common. It would probably be much happier if your mum trained it to sit in a seperate room with its bed and a chew toy while visitors are there. If she exercises it first and it is used to being shut in the room it will probably just sleep and be quite happy.

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/12/2020 14:51

I can actually enlighten folk a bit to how long those programs take to make and some of what goes on behind the scenes, having worked for a trainer who was on tv a lot...

First you have a crew, several camera people, one or more sound people, depending on how big the production is you've got the talent, runners, general fetchy fetchy people of all kinds...

So in that owners house, you have got several camera people, strange new equipment, a sound person, and the talent, and lots more going on outside with trucks full of gear.

Some shots are achieved using cameras fixed to walls etc, depends on how big the house is really.

So long before the trainer/talent gets going, the dog has been stressed out and knackered by the comings and goings of crew.

Then they will be asked to film some 'before' shots and often (certainly for The Dog Whisperer) they will use stooge dogs to wind up the subjects dog, often for several hours before they actually start filming the 'fix'. THis is how you get those 'red zone' behaviours shown on The Dog Whisperer, they had a variety of 'teaser' dogs to rile up the dog they were filming.

In some shows the owner has time to talk to the trainer/talent before hand (this is done for Victoria Stilwells later shows when she had a production role, I think for the Nando Brown/Jo Rosie-Haffenden fronted shows they had video chats with people before meeting them in person, it was definitely not done for Cesar Milans shows, any of them, nor for Dog Borstal, Dogs Behaving Badly etc), in some the talent doesnt meet the dog until a ton of preparatory winding up, teasing, getting 'awful dog behaviour' shots has been done.

By the time the dog is actually 'trained' by the shock/car crash style programs, the dog is actually so stressed and knackered they shut down really quickly, which can be why their approaches seem to work miracles.. the audience having NO idea the dog has been run, faced off against other dogs and stressed out to hell and back by crew, cameras in their faces etc for 5 or 6 hours before hand.

Cesar in Dog Whisperer would actually take the dog without the owner present for several hours before what you see in the screen was filmed - it is my opinion (and not just mine!) that he'd use this time to condition the dog to pair his trademark TSST or backwards heel kick with either the effects of a prong collar correction or a shock collar correction. You do not need to repeat such well timed pairings often to produce the seemingly miraculous reactions to them that you see on the screen, but if you try 'Tssst' or nudging a dog who HASN'T been conditioned to those sounds in that way, you will get either a confused response or no response at all, assuming the dog has no prior reasoning to fear those sounds/actions.

Very often the 'before' behaviours are lured and set up, Dog Borstal did a lot of this with owners intentionally leaving food around for dogs to steal, Dogs Behaving badly does a lot of this as well (and putting members of the public at risk to do so, one reason that 4 dropped the show).

In some cases the 'six weeks later' shots have been nothing of the kind, filmed the day after or even later that same day, as thats cheaper than sending a crew back out to film, or relying on the subject to film it and send it in in time.

In cases where the follow ups genuinely are real time, for example Nando and Jo Rosie Haffendens show where rescue dogs were turned into assistance dogs, behind the scenes there is on going training provided by a local trainer which of course isn't mentioned.

And the bits you almost never hear about outside the industry... the people who dropped successful training programs with a local, non celeb trainer, who were making excellent progress with their dog, to go on a show... and the people who having been on a show and their dog is now worse, having to pay a fortune to have a local trainer/behaviourist come and pick up the pieces and fix the mess the tv trainer has left behind.

Tv trainers are not all bad, but even the good ones struggle (and this is why there are so few good ones, they are battling constantly to show what training is really like, amidst the constraits of cost, timing, audience preference etc and often production teams and tv channels who know nothing about dog training/behaviour)... the bad ones couldn't give a toss, they get their name out there, make a fortune, leave a trail of fucked up dogs in their wake and damage the industry enormously.

yeOldeTrout · 08/12/2020 14:55

The 'quick fixes' seen on various 'dog whisperer/dog father' type tv programs are based on punishment

Not the dog whisperer show(s) I watched...

dog 1: no recall; whisperer explained how to teach a dog to come back when called (treats!). owner didn't realise dog had to be taught...

dog2: nervous over-excited (large dog) reactive barker: whisperer explained how to praise dog for not reacting and how to be firmly confident; that the dog was reacting so bad because dog picking up on owner anxiety; owners had suffered bereavement & hadn't trained dog to not worry

dog3: very aggressive to adults, totally tame gentle sweetheart with toddler. Whisperer explained the toddler's secret was not being afraid of dog who guarded objects. Adults learned to use a newspaper to push dog aside from guarded objects and insist on sitting down where adults wanted, etc. Basically help dog break guarding aggression habit.

Whether the dogs really improved hugely in a matter of a few sessions/days or that was a complete lie, I dunno. Someone must know which programme I mean, the results seemed so obvious how to get if you knew what to do. Middle aged quiet spoken English guy was the whisperer.

No punishment, just firmness & confidence & rewards.

OP's parents' dog reminded me of Dog2 above.

yeOldeTrout · 08/12/2020 14:56

oops, I meant OP's family dog was like dog 3 above...