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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship between cousins

41 replies

EWAB · 07/12/2020 14:06

Am I the only one who ponders on future relationships between my future grandchildren?
I would be really sad if my sons’ children didn’t know one another? I feel an absence of a relationship would mean my sons weren’t close.
I have been really disappointed generally in my life about relationships that we have with in-laws. My children aren’t close to their cousins in spite of me trying very hard.
Am I the only one who ponders on these things?

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 07/12/2020 14:09

Nah, people find their family. Friends become family. Better that way.

Bloodline only comes into it if you're royalty or need an organ.

Zilla1 · 07/12/2020 14:12

Not the only one, OP, but there's a limit to how much the parents and grand parents can do to engineer a relationship. It might not even mean your DS' aren't close, just that the DGC personalities are different even if they have the opportunity for contact through living close, at DGP house or on holiday. If your DS don't make an effort then that would make it harder.

Easy to say but I suppose you can spend time with each DGC to the extent circumstances allow and make the most of those relationships.

Good luck.

Doublebubblebubble · 07/12/2020 14:14

I dont really with my own cousins, definitely for my childrens cousins, to be honest. Too many cousins not enough time in the day to go through how shit or problematic the majority are. (Dad is one of 13, mum is one of 5).

I only see them at funerals and we are strangers to each other at this point.

My children have 3 cousins so far (and probably only will - both dp and i have brothers who are childfree) and they live 200miles away. I buy them presents and keep in touch because 1. They're children and 2. I was there for 2 of their births and the other one was born on my birthday. I always hope they move closer to us becausr it would be so much easier but it wont happen, just like we wouldnt move closer to them.

Who knows whatll happen when theyre 18.

BrumBoo · 07/12/2020 14:19

I never had cousins, quite honestly I'm more worried that my children's relationship will at some point disintegrate like mine and my siblings did. Never mind cousins seeing each other, if there are any. All I hope is that my kids respect each other in adulthood even if life takes them in different directions and their families aren't close.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 07/12/2020 14:24

As someone who was really pushed into a relationship with their cousins, please just leave them to it!
I have 2 cousins on my dad's side, and 4 on my mum's. I'm only close to 1 of them really (similar age, went to same uni, now having babies at similar time), but my gran on my dad's side always made it super awkward with those 2 cousins - they are much younger, we have nothing in common, and tbh they're not particularly nice people, and she always tries to engineer things so we spend time with them.

rc22 · 07/12/2020 14:32

I'm not close to my cousins. I think as their are big age gaps between us. On my mum's side, my cousins are all 10 or more years older than me and on my dad's side there's at least 8 years between us.

Ohalrightthen · 07/12/2020 14:33

I have a similar worry about my own children - i am so close to all my cousins, we grew up together, they're some of my best friends, but due to differences in life choices I'm waaaay ahead of the others having kids. My DD will be probably 10yrs older than her cousins. It's something that makes me kinda sad, tbh.

MissHoney85 · 07/12/2020 14:39

Being close in age and geography makes a big difference I think. My cousins are all massively older than me due to warped generations in my family, and living a long way away. I'm not sure I've never met one of them, and wouldn't recognise her if I bumped into her in the street.

On the other hand, my brother and sister had children at roughly the same time (3 each) and all lived in London for the early years and saw a lot of each other, and as a result they're a really lovely little gang. The two lots of siblings are very different and would have little in common if they weren't related, but they have a really special relationship which is really important to all of them.

They're all teens and pre-teens now that I'm expecting my first baby, and I'm a bit disappointed that my DC will probably not get that same experience of closeness. On the other hand though I have plenty of willing babysitters!

helloxhristmas · 07/12/2020 14:40

I've got a gazillion cousins. We grew up together had the best time. Now, we are all over the place, in touch for weddings and funerals but still always get on so well.

My kids won't have a relationship with their cousins as they live in NZ and we are in the UK.

vanillandhoney · 07/12/2020 14:43

My cousins all grew up in Australia. I'm in England. We have pretty much no relationship now though we are friends on social media.

I don't have siblings so my children won't have cousins on my side. DH's siblings are all 15+ years older than him and their children are already adults with children of their own.

I can't say it bothers me. They'll make their own friends.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 07/12/2020 14:45

Despite having four uncles my children have no cousins. I was really close to my (many, many) cousins growing up even though we lived in different countries. I do sometimes feel sad my children are not going to have the same experience though we do try to cultivate relationships with the next generation of my own cousins.

HelplessProcrastinator · 07/12/2020 14:46

I know what you mean OP. My kids aged 10 and 13 only have two pre-school aged cousins. My 10 year old adores them but 13 year old us indifferent. DH is an only but his first cousins have 5 kids between them very close in age to out DC. Since his grandparents died very little effort has been made to keep in touch. DH reckons it up to his cousins to make the effort. They don’t need to as they have each other. They always say we must meet up when at weddings, christenings etc but it doesn’t happen. I don’t have any close cousins either and felt I missed out when growing up.

bellinisurge · 07/12/2020 14:46

My dd is closer to some of my cousins' children rather than her actual cousins. My siblings made zero effort to build the relationship basically because they were older and bored of it. I tried. I failed.

Theotherrudolph · 07/12/2020 14:47

I have one set twenty+ years older than me and a couple of sets at least ten years younger. They all live at least 4 hours drive away, some abroad. I see them very occasionally at family events but as the elderly relatives we have in common die it’s dwindling further. We have very little in common and while they’re perfectly nice people I don’t expect to really keep in touch with them. I have plenty of people I’m close with and have a happy social life - I’d be baffled to think my parents were devastated about it! Similarly my children’s cousins live miles away and are a lot older and they have only met a handful of times - it is what it is. So long as they have good social connections with people who love them I don’t mind who those people are.

x2boys · 07/12/2020 14:48

I have seven cousins on my mum's side and 11 cousins ony dad's side I'm friends with them on Facebook but that's it ,as kids I was closer to my maternal cousins and still get on better at family get together,s than with my paternal cousins .

InTheLongGrass · 07/12/2020 14:53

My kids talk wistfully about having cousins, having heard what friends get up to at weekend, but since my brother is dead, and DHs brothers seem unlikely to procreate I dont think they will get any cousins. And definitely not within 10 years of their age.
Take a close cousin relationship as a bonus, not a given.

tyrannosaurustrip · 07/12/2020 14:55

@Ohalrightthen the cousin I am closest to is 12 years older than me, when I was little I was pushed into playing with the one closest to me - 3 years older - but we have never had anything in common. What's nice is as adults, since I was about 22/23 I've been close with the oldest one, I'm godparent to her child, we're actually much more similar and her other sister (10 years older) also stays in touch.

I'm an only child, realistically on DHs side there are cousins 10 years and 8 years older than DD, and there's a possibility his other sibiling will have kids closer in age but they will be in Australia. It is what it is. We have friends who are close and have kids close in age, I am ok with cousins not being close, I would be sadder if siblings weren't. But its not really possible to force these things.

Candleabra · 07/12/2020 14:58

I've never thought about this from the perspective of grandparents. Yes it would make me sad. But I think it's more unusual to be close to your cousins than not.

Twizbe · 07/12/2020 15:01

I don't think my DC will have any cousins. It's a shame as I think it would be nice for them but at the same time my SiL really shouldn't have kids.

I'm not hugely close to my cousins, mostly because I have loads. My husband is quite close to his, but he only has 2.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/12/2020 15:02

I don't really know my cousins, my dad fell out with his sister after she did something really unforgivable and my cousins are both a lot younger than me, so I've not known them other than having met them as babies. I am sad that my DC aren't that bothered about their cousins on their dad's side - they have over 30 first cousins - but then DH and his siblings weren't close either. I am probably more in contact with his nieces and nephews than he ever was, but lots of them are around my age. The kids have little in common with them.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 07/12/2020 15:05

i have a lot of cousins (30+ first cousins), and a lovely (albeit distant) relationship with them. we interact on social media (love seeing what theyre up to), i see them every few years at family events and i know if i needed them they would be there. every time something significant happens in our lives we message one another and theyre often the first people i hear from. my DC have 2 cousins on each side (me and DH) and arent close to either. DHs are 10+ years older than mine and my families are 10+ years younger than my DC. so, while they get on fine, they arent friends. maybe that will change when they are older. my DSis tries to force the situation and have days out but they always centre around her DC. a day at the farm is not really what my teenagers want to be doing (but they do it and plaster a smile on).

StillCoughingandLaughing · 07/12/2020 15:06

Am I the only one who opened this thread expecting it to be more on the... ‘banjo-twanging’ side of cousin relationships?

Charleyhorses · 07/12/2020 15:09

My cousins were whisked to Oz as part of the ten pound pom thing in the 70s.
Put huge efforts with my eldest 2 and their cousins from husband's side. Can't say they are close as adults.

yeOldeTrout · 07/12/2020 15:15

Bloodline only comes into it if you're royalty or need an organ.

Funny enough, when my aunt in California needed a transplant, the nearest match was not
her 2 adult DC
Her 2 younger siblings
Her multitude of nephews & nieces or any first cousins or their kids

But rather some random young man living in Poland. Aunt is at least 2 generations removed from an ancestor who lived in Europe.

I have tried to get DC to at least meet their 2nd cousins a few times. There is huge number of them.

user1493413286 · 07/12/2020 15:15

My dad and uncle were very close and I’m the same age as my cousin but our lives are very different and we live a bit of a distance apart so don’t see each other often but if we needed each other then we’d be there without question.

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