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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship between cousins

41 replies

EWAB · 07/12/2020 14:06

Am I the only one who ponders on future relationships between my future grandchildren?
I would be really sad if my sons’ children didn’t know one another? I feel an absence of a relationship would mean my sons weren’t close.
I have been really disappointed generally in my life about relationships that we have with in-laws. My children aren’t close to their cousins in spite of me trying very hard.
Am I the only one who ponders on these things?

OP posts:

Goosefoot · 07/12/2020 15:16

I think it can be really valuable to have close cousins, but it is increasingly difficult with families spread all around.

I have some close cousins, some of whom I was close to growing up, some of whom I became close to later on. A group of us chat on our computer most mornings and that is nice. We span a fair variation in age, education, social class, but there is a strong sense of solidarity. I know a lot of my extended cousins as well, not as well, but I do feel that I could generally find someone to call on if necessary, whether or not they are friends that is a kind of familial sense of duty - not in a bad way, people tend to use that word negativly, but it really isn't like that.

LindaEllen · 07/12/2020 15:40

I was never close to my cousins. Those on my dad's side are scattered across the country, and the ones on my mum's side (who live 15 mins away) we never saw because of my uncle's wife and the boys were kept from our side of the family. There was a lot that went on leading up to that, but the point is, I grew up with no close cousins.

I saw many of my friends with lots of cousins, and my DP is close to his, and I do sometimes have that jealousy - but I had many people growing up who were close friends so I didn't miss out too badly really.

Conkergame · 07/12/2020 15:43

I know what you mean OP but you can’t force relationships - they either come naturally or they don’t. And there’s nothing worse than feeling forced to befriend someone. This has happened with my cousin - she’s the same age as me and although we’ve always lived over 100 miles away from each other and have nothing in common at all, my mum and aunt (by marriage) have always tried to force the cousin/best friend thing.

I’ve ended up being let down by her so many times and really can’t be bothered with her anymore but if I try to not invite her to something I get loads of grief from my mum and silent treatment from my aunt. It means I invite her out of duty and there’s no true friendship there. OTOH our lack of friendship doesn’t mean anything at all about how close my parents are to my aunt and uncle - they are very close but happen to have brought up very different children in very different ways.

Pukkatea · 07/12/2020 15:46

I've not spoken to any of my cousins in probably a decade. My parents relationships with their siblings are just fine. I don't see why it's necessary for cousins to be friends, they might have nothing in common, live at opposite ends of the country etc.

Mawi · 07/12/2020 15:52

I grew up with my cousins being part of my life, a big huge part of my life. They are no longer part of my life. I see them about, talk to them for a bit and move on. We attend family things together etc and it is ok but I do not like them and they do not like me.

They are very much ingrained in old family traditions and feel that what our respective parents want is more important than what any of us want. I refuse to be forced to do things I don't want to do just because my mother and her siblings did it 40 years ago.

So even though we were all brought up the same way my personality does not gel with theirs so we have no relationship. I know it makes them all despair that I do not do what I am told but I am happy so I don't give a fuck.

I would also not give any of them a kidney. But my friends, my real friends , the people who love me because I am me I would be first in line to get tested if they needed one.

MrsToothyBitch · 07/12/2020 16:04

I have no siblings and all of my cousins are much older than me, nice as they are! I am in touch with 3 of them and love to see them when I can- 2 are miles up country and one of them can't travel- but covid put paid to my efforts with the nearer one this year. I don't really know where to start at being more chatty with all of them. But one day they'll be all I have. When one of them was warned she might need a BMT, we all immediately got tested though- didn't cross my mind not to.

My second cousins on my dad's side are my age. One is in Canada so sporadic contact, the other lives quite near and despite our vows to try harder to stay in touch, I seldom get replies if I try. I've had no thanks or acknowledgement for stuff I've sent his DC and covid stopped any attempts at meet ups this year. I also dislike his wife and I'm really suspicious of how they suck up to my elderly, fairly well off parents.

In contrast DP is eldest of 4 close siblings, his sister has just had a baby and we've said if we have DC (we'd like to) that we'd hope the cousins are close in age and hopefully get on and are friendly. I am happy to move nearer his family to facilitate it. Ironically I'd be closer geographically to my own relatives- including the ones I'm suspicious of, too.

bellinisurge · 07/12/2020 16:23

Interestingly (if you are me), I'm the product of a so called mixed marriage where there were lots of siblings and lots of fall out. With only a small number on each side letting me have a relationship with their kids - my cousins. However since all our parents have died there's been a bit of reaching out to us by the now adult cousins .

WestendVBroadway · 07/12/2020 16:27

Actually I am quite sad that my DD does not have a close relationship with any other cousins. My DSis has two DSs similar age to my DD, but she moved away to be with her DH, so we only see each other a few times each year. However her DSs are extremely close to their cousins on her hubby's side as they all live in the same town. I was never very close to my own cousins , my aunts and uncles lived in USA with their family. My own mother grew up with her cousins as neighbours and my DF and his cousin are more like siblings. I am actually much closer to my mother's younger cousins than I am to my own.

CMOTDibbler · 07/12/2020 16:29

My ds has no relationship with his cousins on dhs side, not because dh isn't friendly with his brothers, but that dh is significantly younger than his brothers, and they had children in their early 20's, and ds was born in our early 30's so there is 11 years between ds and his youngest cousin and the family were bored with kids by then

Leaannb · 07/12/2020 16:34

I have 52 known cousins wouldn't know them if they walked up to me and slapped me in the face...I have 2 sibilings. One brother who has a daughter same age as my oldest who is 25 and my son despises her and they haven't spoken since they were 7. My other children have never met her and have no desire to. I can't stand her either.
I have no clue about my sister. She was adopted out of a care home in Belfast. No telling where she is or if she had children or if even alive.

HolyBuckets · 07/12/2020 16:35

I think you need to manage your expectations op.

I have no relationship with my cousins, we're nothing alike. A couple of them I'm happy to make small talk with, a couple of them I wouldn't even speak to on the street.

And I generally don't like the obligation to have relationships based on circumstances rather than affinity. I think it's becoming outdated. Families don't all live in the same village these days. Life has moved on a lot.

Di11y · 07/12/2020 16:41

I'm close to the cousins who are at a similar life stage. So 3 of us had babies at a very similar time and they're as close as sisters to me.

You might find they drift then come closer when their life is similar stage.

OneForMeToo · 07/12/2020 17:06

My children are not friends with theirs cousins the younger two tolerate them at family gatherings. My oldest hides away from them. There is a 8 year age gap between my oldest and oldest cousin.

The two closest together age wise don’t get along much either as he is too rough for her being used to being an only child for years who got everything he wanted.

Milkshake7489 · 07/12/2020 17:07

Your not alone OP. I'm really close to my maternal cousins but I don't have a super close relationship with my paternal cousins.

I think that this is largely because my mum nurtured our relationships as children and was super close to her siblings so we naturally spent lots of time together (though there is probably an element of luck with this too?).

My dad is generally less close to his family so I guess we never became really close either.

I'm definitely grateful for my maternal cousins as an adult as they are amongst my closest friends! We have so much shared history, inside jokes, and I just feel differently about them than I do about my other friends (though I can't really pinpoint why).

I hope my children have the same kind of relationship with their cousins as I do with mine. In fact, me and my dsis chat about this topic regularly so I know it's not just me and my rose tinted glasses!

I'm hopeful that my kids will be close to my cousin's kids too. To be fair my cousin's children are sooo excited for me to have my baby so fingers crossed

unmarkedbythat · 07/12/2020 17:08

I'm not that bothered tbh. I don't have any relationship at all with most of my cousins and it doesn't blight my life. I hope my dc and my brother and sil's dc continue to be close as they grow but if they aren't, they aren't, and I can't see it ever mattering to me very much.

BigSisLittleSisCardboardBox · 07/12/2020 17:25

I have no cousins on my mum’s side and 10 on my dad’s side. Not close to any of them. They are nice people and we have always invited each other to weddings etc but the relationships are very stilted. Dad’s siblings are very shy and reserved with each other and I think it just rubbed off on us children.

Interestingly, now I can see at family weddings my cousins offspring are close to their cousins. My children are close to their cousins. I would be sad if this weren’t the case.

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