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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to buy new colleagues Christmas presents?

35 replies

CockysGirl · 07/12/2020 09:36

I recently started a new job in a big company but work in a small team of 9 including myself. They are all lovely and have welcomed me into the team but have all worked together for many years so I do feel a little bit of an outsider still.
Today two of my colleagues gave me lovely and rather expensive Christmas gifts which I am delighted with but slightly embarrassed as I hadn't planned on buying gifts for any of them. I have written cards but certainly hadn't budgeted for another 8 presents! AIBU not to buy any presents or should I just buy token presents for everyone?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 07/12/2020 09:38

Oh crikey how awful! I would nip this in the bud right now! Tell the others that you really cannot afford this level of present giving and think it's lovely that they do but you can only give cards.

I guess you will have to buy at least a little something for the two who have already given you something? But I do think it is a little insensitive to do this to a newcomer without asking them if they are happy to join in the tradition. Puts you in an awkward spot if you can't afford it.

HappyChristmas29 · 07/12/2020 09:45

YANBU. In work places secret Santa is a good idea. Failing that maybe you could buy a couple tubs of chocolate and take them in for everyone? (2 for £7 in Tesco the other day).

Buying gifts back is not something you want to start as it will continue year on year! It’s a tough one!

Original poster
CockysGirl · 07/12/2020 09:46

I was unemployed for a while before I started the new role but have just got back on an even keel and have agreed to do a Secret Santa with the family this year to keep things within a reasonable budget but this would just blow the budget as even if I only spent £5 each that would still be £40 that I don't want to spend in this way - I would rather spend it buying something nice for my own DC! 😕
The presents I have received are probably about £20 each! 😔

OP posts:
BecomeStronger · 07/12/2020 09:54

I think this is really hard, my current team did this to me the day before we closed for the break, so I had no time to shop. I'd never worked anywhere where Christmas gifts between colleagues was a thing before. I raided my stash of unused presents and came up with something for each of them but it was wholely unsatisfactory.

As for nipping it in the bud, maybe I should have but it's clearly important to the team and I wouldn't have wanted to be the new person who came in a ruined it all for them.

I don't spend anything like £20 though and neither do they. Tell them they've caught you out and buy a box of biscuits.

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/12/2020 09:55

I am wondering:

  1. Why you been given Christmas presents when it is only 7th December. Do you think it is to give you sufficient time to go out and buy for them?
  1. Why are you assuming all 8 will buy for you? It may be that these 2 just buy for everyone. (I have a friendship group where we used to all buy Christmas presents for each other but stopped a few years ago. One just carries on buying because she loves to, so I continue to buy for her yet she receives nothing from the others).
  1. Could they just be known for liking Christmas and buying presents and you could just buy two?
  1. Do you have anyone you are fairly close to who you could just mention your surprise at receiving these presents to?
  1. How long have you worked there? Are they just trying to be welcoming in including you? If very recently, why didn't you say something when you received the presents?
Crystal87 · 07/12/2020 10:01

Yanbu. Don't buy for them and they won't buy for you again. I have a school mum friend who started buying birthday and christmas presents for me and my kids and it got too much because we both have 4 kids each and I'm not rich. I think I " forgot" to give her a present one year and that was that.

Ariela · 07/12/2020 10:23

I would do a bake one weekend, and take in a huge pile of yummy Christmas goodies to share with your team - mince pies, decorated cup cakes, iced biscuits and the like. And explain you can't afford presents and wasn't expecting presents from them.

Original poster
CockysGirl · 07/12/2020 10:23

@calmandmeasured1 We are all in one big office and I was on the phone when my two colleagues were going round unloading large bags of presents onto everyones desks so was unable to respond at the time but other colleagues were saying "ooh, you got in early this year, I haven't even wrapped all your presents yet"!!! Blush
I have only been here for 7 weeks 😬

OP posts:
TheTurnOfTheScrew · 07/12/2020 10:31

tough one. obviously it's all quite unnecessary, but if you've only been there 5 minutes it's hard to challenge the status quo. I think I might try and fudge it by giving everyone a chocolate reindeer this year, and then get in early and suggest Secret Santa in September next year.

my office mates buy for me, which TBH I could do without, but there's only two of them so I go along with it for the sake of goodwill, as it doesn't add too much to the budget.

Dogscanteatonions · 07/12/2020 10:34

I second what a PP just said - homemade cakes/sweets? Thoughtful but not pricey. If you're not much of a baker fridge cakes are dead easy and don't even need to bake and you could make a load in one go

womaninatightspot · 07/12/2020 11:02

Homemade sweets. I'd make fudge a couple of different kinds and then put it in a bag/ jar tied with a ribbon. Its hard to say mean things about someone who has done something homemade :)

ShopTattsyrup · 07/12/2020 11:07

Is it possible that your expensive looking items were the free item in a Boots 3 for 2 deal or a black friday deal? Not that it matters of course, but if it makes it less awkward for you they may not have spend near what you imagine Smile It is very unfair of them to spring this on you though!

Another vote here christmas baking. If your very into baking/cooking could you make individual baked items for each person - say making a load of brownies or mince pies or fudge and then making 7 little treat boxes with a mix of each in?

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/12/2020 11:28

This is so difficult. I wouldn't expect to buy presents for people I've only worked with for 7 weeks. Do you or any of your family have any unwanted gifts at home you could re-gift? 😂

Sorry, I'm no help as I would find the situation very challenging. I feel for you.

Notmybloodymonkeys · 07/12/2020 11:41

It’s always been secret Santa wherever I’ve worked but years ago in a fairly new job one of my colleagues gave me a heads up that it was a thing within the team to buy presents for the boss’s kids. Hmm There’s no way I was going down that route.

lanthanum · 07/12/2020 11:45

I agree on the baking/shared edibles strategy, and just be upfront that because you've been out of work you're on a tight budget this Christmas.

Calmandmeasured1 · 07/12/2020 11:51

Having read about doing a secret Santa at home and how much presents from your colleagues cost, I think I would have a word with the two who have given you presents. Just be honest, blame it on Covid or whatever. You cannot afford to buy them. any presents. I wouldn't want someone to struggle and buy me a present in your situation. I would say I can't accept the presents and tell them why. Just see how it plays out.

I would also email the others and say that you have heard talk of presents and that you just want to let them know that, due to a bad year, you can't buy presents for your own family let alone others. If they then still buy for you, just be gracious and accept that they want to be kind.

Original poster
CockysGirl · 07/12/2020 14:23

I tried having a quiet word about presents and was told "oh, don't worry, you don't have to spend a lot of money, just a token present is fine!" followed by "by the way, it's X's birthday next week so we're all putting in for a joint present, I realise that you haven't known us for long but knew you'd want to be included, it's part of what makes us such a close team" 😳

OP posts:
mam0918 · 07/12/2020 14:46

if they bought be something nice I would buy them something, no way would I spend £20pp but I would buy thoughtful/personalised gifts for them.

the birthday thing would bother me more, I dont do 'joint pot' gifts... If I buy a gift I do it myself where I control the cost and the item and I HATE being asked/told to donate to a gift 'fund'.

NeedMoreWinePlease · 07/12/2020 15:00

We do a secret santa at work usually but we all give to people's birthdays, usually 10 pounds each. I must admit I have never worked anywhere else that does this though! Also leaving presents, although this is apparently stopping so people don't feel obliged to pay out for those that have come and gone quickly (not many- we actually have a low staff turnover).

I think it is absolutely fine saying you do not want to participate in the present/money giving, although the one member of our team who does not give to birthdays is viewed by the others as being rather tight fisted! It can be expensive though- I have paid £40 for work birthdays in the past couple of months which is no small amount to a lot of people

readingismycardio · 07/12/2020 15:59

This is absolutely amazing and lovely in a s small team, but only IF it was agreed beforehand by all parties, which in this case hasn't.

I don't even know what to advise, this happened to me recently at a much lower level, one of my friends (we never swap Christmas presents) bought me a v thoughtful gift around the mark of £25 so I felt obliged to spend pretty much the same amount on a gift for her. I don't quite resent it, and could afford it, but still...

I'd probably try to find something cheap (around the £5 mark) but personalised, maybe? Or something Christmas related such as hot chocolate/chocolate/a nice mug, and make sure you wrap it nicely.

YANBU, anyway, it's a nice gesture but crap in a way...

MariaK91 · 07/12/2020 16:05

Are you any good at arts and crafts? Or baking? You could make them something personalised? Like a cupcake or something? That could be a really sweet way of returning the thought without breaking the bank?

HitthatroadJack · 07/12/2020 16:08

As above, Christmas baking or a visit to the pound shop - pretty sure they sell tins of quality street etc for not much.

I mean to buy a tin for the team, not for every colleague.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 07/12/2020 16:15

Are they more senior/paid more than you, or is the financial disparity just that you've only just started working again?

As you've been forcibly inserted into their gifting traditions, I would do some baking. I'd suggest gingerbread men, but it's probably cheaper ingredient-wise to make sugar cookies.

As a last resort (if you're not a baker), buy a cheap cake from Poundland, bash it up a bit and stick it in a Tupperware box (again, from Poundland). Maybe dust the top badly with a sieve and some icing sugar/cheap hot chocolate/cocoa powder.

I wouldn't usually advocate fake baking, but I think you're justified. Whatever you do, if you couldn't afford to buy your family the presents you wanted to, don't feel pressured to buy expensive presents for your colleagues instead.

Monkeypeas · 07/12/2020 16:32

Don’t let them pressure you into buying presents with their ‘niceness’.

Hold your ground and reconfirm with everyone via email that you will be opting out.

I bet you £40 to cover the cost of presents that not everyone loves this”tradition” in fact I bet those two bring presents in early just so everyone else is kept in line.

I’d keep it short, do t overly explain or justify with mention of your family secret Santa. Something along the lines of

Dear Team

Thank you for all being so lovely and welcoming me into the team, but please don’t feel you have to include me in any present giving. I really won’t be upset.

After being redundant for a good portion of this year I’m sure you understand that am keeping budgets to a minimum.

Thank you for your understanding

X

You could take in a selection box and finish off by saying you have put some chocolates next to the printer for everyone to help themselves too.

I’d be hugely surprised if in the future others opt out to.

Monkeypeas · 07/12/2020 16:35

Forgot to add in after minimum...

Budgets to a minimum so won’t be Able to participate.

After being redundant for...

As for the two who have already given you a gift. They should have warned you first

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