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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long do you avoid?

30 replies

jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:33

Just after peoples opinions, if you found out that your best friend was sleeping with your partner and then you completely cut them out of your life and had not seen or heard from them for 10-15 years and then you found out that they are attending a mutual friends wedding with their children, would you say anything to them or continue to ignore them?
If you would speak to them, what would you say?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 02:39

Do you have children with this man ?

Original poster
jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:40

@Anordinarymum

Do you have children with this man ?
No
OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 02:41

I personally wouldn't say anything to them, I'd be polite and civil because of the setting so if they came up to me and spoke to me then I'd have a brief conversation with them about mutual friend but that's it.

Womencanlift · 07/12/2020 02:43

I would be civil and exchange pleasantries. A friends wedding does not need an atmosphere

unreliableursula · 07/12/2020 02:43

Totally depends
How long were you with the partner?

Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 02:44

So the mutual friend invited all of you?

If this is the only time I would ever see them, I would avoid going, but if i really wanted to go, I would be polite as the other poster said.

unreliableursula · 07/12/2020 02:45

Posted too soon..

Is s/he still on the scene for either of you?

unreliableursula · 07/12/2020 02:47

I wouldn't cause a scene at the wedding

tectonicplates · 07/12/2020 02:48

Do you know how big the wedding is? Will it be possible to avoid them?

Do the bride and groom know the history? If you haven't spoken to these people for 10-15 years, do the bride and groom even realise you know each other?

MerchantOfVenom · 07/12/2020 02:48

would you say anything to them or continue to ignore them?

I would do neither of those options. I would politely acknowledge them by way of a hello, and then move on.

Do you really want to give them the satisfaction of thinking you’re still upset by their actions? Do you really want to create a scene at your friends wedding?

The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

Original poster
jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:50

@Anordinarymum

So the mutual friend invited all of you?

If this is the only time I would ever see them, I would avoid going, but if i really wanted to go, I would be polite as the other poster said.

Yes we are all close friends with the mutual friend, so can't get out of it, would rather avoid so not to have to re live a bad part of my past seeing them again
OP posts:
tectonicplates · 07/12/2020 02:51

I wouldn't speak to them at all, in answer to your original question. The reason I asked if the bride and groom know is that I once went to a wedding where I was seated next to someone I fell out with years ago! But we never had a big showdown in public, just ignored each other and so most people didn't even know.

Original poster
jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:52

@tectonicplates

Do you know how big the wedding is? Will it be possible to avoid them?

Do the bride and groom know the history? If you haven't spoken to these people for 10-15 years, do the bride and groom even realise you know each other?

It's not going to be possible to avoid them for the whole day plus evening, yes we were all close friends 10-15 years ago
OP posts:
Original poster
jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:54

@unreliableursula

Posted too soon..

Is s/he still on the scene for either of you?

I've not seen them for around 12 years, mutual friend sees them often
OP posts:
Worriedandabitscared · 07/12/2020 02:55

When's the wedding?

Mintjulia · 07/12/2020 02:55

Why would you choose to exchange pleasantries with someone whose values are so lacking?

I'd ignore them and enjoy the rest of the party.

Original poster
jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 02:57

@unreliableursula

I wouldn't cause a scene at the wedding
I'm not one to cause a scene, but knowing what 2 people you trusted and who lied to you all them years ago, I don't know whether to just think lifes to short so be pleasant to them and forgive or just continue to ignore them.
OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 07/12/2020 03:05

It's a difficult one because you were not married to this guy and now he had children with your friend, so while you can't ever be friends with them it must feel awkward.

Your friend who has invited you has stayed friendly with everyone and will be feeling awkward too knowing she has to invite you all or it will look like she is taking sides.

OP Have you moved on ? Do you have someone else now and are they invited with you?

notangelinajolie · 07/12/2020 03:07

I wouldn't go.

Original poster
jimmyjammy001 · 07/12/2020 03:08

Thanks for everyone's replies, I'll just try my best to avoid them and avoid any awkward eye contact if I see them, I'll just give one word answers if they try to speak to me and hope they get the hint.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 07/12/2020 04:04

Personally I think you need to move on for your sake. You seem to be stuck with this. You weren’t married. You don’t have children. As they have children I am making an assumption this relationship was not of very long duration. I understand you don’t want to be friends with either one of them. But to be still feeling this level of animosity isn’t healthy for you. Or for your friendship with the bride. Oh that basis I would be polite and exchange pleasantries. Did either of them apologise to you?

WouldBeGood · 07/12/2020 04:10

What’s your relationship situation, @jimmyjammy001?

I think I’d rather avoid the whole thing but might be better if I were with my DP.

joystir59 · 07/12/2020 04:13

What do you feel like doing? It's entirely up to you what you do, go with your feelings.

PirateCatQueen · 07/12/2020 06:20

Devise and rehearse a boilerplate statement to use if one or both of them persists in trying to make conversation.
Brief your partner snd some other friends who are attending to respond to “rescue me” signals.
Find out where the loos are at the venue as soon as you arrive. Not just the set closest to where the action is, but the ones a bit further away.
In advance, find out if there is a secondary area you can decamp to decompress if needed- e.g. hotel bar, conservatory etc.
If it’s the right type of venue snd it’s not too expensive to do this, book a room even if you don’t need one. So you can escape and lock the door behind you, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Knowing that you do that can make things easier, to the point that you end up not needing to use it.
Rise above it and look amazing.

Marnie76 · 07/12/2020 06:35

Sorry if I have this wrong but looking your previous posts you’ve just turned 30 so this happened when you were 15-18? I know it must have been upsetting at the time but I do think you need to move on now. You were all kids when this happened, he was your best friend so it was obviously hurtful.

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