To feel sad that I haven't saved this much for DC?

[floraturtle]

Was helping a friend fill out forms applying for bursaries for an independent school.
They asked about savings and she wrote (and said to me, wasn't watching over her shoulders) that her DS and DD have £46,000 in savings - at the age of 11 and 8.
It made me feel like a massive failure as my DC have 3 figures between them both, aged 4 and 2 - I'm just feeling a bit sad that I know even by the time my DC will be 11 and 8 we would probably still be in the lower end of 4 figures at best in terms of their savings - as we still need to buy a home.

YABU - You're probably better off than most

YANBU - It's better to think of DCs future

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi op..

I just don't get it,
how on earth is she entitled to a bursery like that with kind of amount of savings then?
Is there something else which is relavent to this thread,? are not telling us about??
As its not making sense to me

Hi @thosetalesofunexpected I'm not missing anything I know about - which is why I was confused because the way friend spoke of her DC savings it seemed like no big deal, just average. I guess I'll let school break it to her that she is far better off financially than she thinks perhaps 😂

More than I have and I’m 55. Not normal OP.

@TooTrueToBeGood

Most adults don't have that much in savings. Why are you judging your position by the standards of someone who is very clearly not in the same financial league as either yourself or the average family? It all sounds a bit over dramatic to be honest.

Sorry I really had no idea, friend and I barely, if ever, discussed financial sides of our lives - on the outside it seemed our lifestyles were pretty much the same which is why the comparing just came into place, just human nature. I thought we was around the same level in terms of family income, doesn't make a difference anyhow - she is a lovely friend.

Some months my kids are are likely to have 42p

It could be that they're socking money away under the kids' names in order to avoid tax. My DPs did this for years. The money might also be an inheritance held in trust, or possibly the DW's "run" stash.

A happy childhood is far more valuable than a lump sum squirrelled away. Don't fret about it, OP, it sounds like you're doing very well by your DCs.

Oh come on. You know this isn't normal for fuck sake. It's probably too late to be up and I need to sleep but this has pissed me off!

You can't be so niave to think all kids walking around have £46000+ in a bank account and are getting ready to go to an independent school.

Do you think all those parents bringing up their kids in a high rise flat are just sitting on half a million quid!

Most adults don't have those kinds of savings.

Come on OP. You know you're doing great. Don't start feeling sorry for yourself and putting yourself down because some one has got some dosh in the bank that you don't have. You're great as you are and your kids will be fine.

DH and I could afford to save pretty substantial sums for our dc but we don’t intend to hand them thousands at 18/21 and I certainly won’t be feeling sad or guilty about it.

I come from a very working class background but have some quite privileged friends and the older we get (we’re most of us 40+) the more I notice how they take for granted or even just completely forget all the advantages they’ve had in life - the best schools, raised from infancy to expect a university education and with parents who understood how to ensure that, rent and bills paid through university, cars gifted to them, the right contacts in the right places early in their working lives, hefty deposits to buy homes and more besides.

I swear some of them have become so fucking self satisfied in middle age it’s really shocked me. They are so sure they earned everything they’ve got and oblivious to the fact that most don’t get the kind of support they’ve benefitted from - support that ensured their well paying careers and nice homes. The thought of making life that easy for my dc, that they might become as smug and superior as some of these people, makes me feel sick.

My dc are already very fortunate. They live in a nice area, go to good schools where, unlike the schools I went to, the teachers have higher expectations than just getting the pupils to show up. They have the benefit of after school clubs and activities to develop their interests and social circle, lot’s of what MN would approve of as ‘enriching experiences’, parents who are clued in about the path to university education (if that’s what they aim for) and we’re in a position to support them financially through that.

I think they have more advantages than lots and while I’m not saying I would never give any financial help, I don’t want them to assume they’ll just be handed a house deposit or have access to the equivalent of a few years salary at a young age. Like most people they’ll have to work for what they want and anything “extra” from us will be a nice surprise and not something they should expect as their due.

I’d guess it was some kind of inheritance no?

She has some cheek applying for a bursary with that sort of dosh stashed away.

First of all,, with those kind of saving they are unlikely to get bursary support at a private school.
Second of all, this is not what the average person has in savings for their children. If you have saved anything for your children you are giving them a little boost somewhere in the future and that is great. We will probably save an absolute max of 8-10k for our children by 18, and hope to be in a position to give them a hand if they go to uni or something, but we won't be able to dole out thousands upon thousands.
My parents had no money and didn't save me anything. I got loans and made my own way in the world, with their love and encouragement.
Don't compare yourself.

Gosh, I never had money saved up for mine! I can't imagine being able to save up so much. Later on we were better off with more money to save or spend but not with a young child, no way.

I am full of admiration for anyone who can do that and would like to know their secret :-).

I’m not sure that the children’s saving will be taken into account regards a bursary it’s the parents financial situation that is usually reviewed. TBH that sort of money would be a piddle in the ocean if you are looking at putting two children through private schooling.

She is not gonna get a bursary with that much savings. Not should she she doesn't need one

@jessstan1

Gosh, I never had money saved up for mine! I can't imagine being able to save up so much. Later on we were better off with more money to save or spend but not with a young child, no way.

I am full of admiration for anyone who can do that and would like to know their secret :-).

There's no secret. It's just called having a high income.

£46,000?! Blimey.

My DC have the benefit of my wisdom and some nice childhood memories to line their bank accountants with

The fact that your friend randomly volunteered this information makes it sound like she was showing off. I wouldn't take much notice. Parents aren't obliged to fork over tens of thousands of pounds to their children once they reach adulthood. It's nice to do what you can to help them, but they ultimately need to make their own way in life. Be supportive and loving. Teach them how to look after themselves. That's more important than gifting obscene lump sums of cash.

I have never seen a form to apply for a bursary at an independent school but I would imagine that it about parental income and assets. Stuff in the children’s names will not be looked at, it’s a guess, can anyone confirm?

That’s my assumption, but I’ve never applied for one.

@GarlicSoup

I’m not sure that the children’s saving will be taken into account regards a bursary it’s the parents financial situation that is usually reviewed. TBH that sort of money would be a piddle in the ocean if you are looking at putting two children through private schooling.

In which case, why ask the question? It obviously is taken into account otherwise wealthy parents would just stick all their money in their kids’ names to qualify for a bursary. ’

Yabu.
So many people don't have savings of their own, nevermind thousands for their primary school aged kids!
Get a grip op!

That's really not the norm for most people - your friend must be seriously wealthy. By age 4 DD1 had about £2k. DD2 had nothing until she turned 4 and I got a chunk of redundancy money - I used part of it to set her up with what she would have had if we'd had the funds to save for her. Our plan B would have been to split DD1's pot. My two are now almost 18 and almost 20 and we have been lucky with money, but they're still nowhere near £46k - they have about £20k each and consider themselves very lucky to have that.

Are there people that actually hand over thousands of pounds of savings to their children when they reach adulthood? My dc are well cared for and will be financially supported throughout their education but I won't be handing them a cheque.

Surely there is a risk that the parents imagine the savings will be used for a house deposit or something sensible when the child could spend it on a year of partying for him and his friends.

You can't be so niave to think all kids walking around have £46000+ in a bank account and are getting ready to go to an independent school.

Of course she's not that naive.

She just wanted a bitch about her "friend" on Mumset.

We only save £10 a month for DD so her savings are a bit pitiful but we just don't have all that much spare cash so its just the way it is. Better than nothing still!

You can get a bursary if your children have savings.
I don’t think she actually had to declare her children’s savings just her own.
We a part bursary and have savings 🙈

*we have