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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH went behind my back. AIBU?

31 replies

M0mmzee · 06/12/2020 20:47

My DH texted our workman who was going to be working on our house next week so it would be done before Christmas. He said not to come and leave it until after New Year because my DM had just passed away.
Fine you might think he was considering my feelings but that’s not how I saw it. He did it without even asking me if it was ok and what were my views. Personally I would still have wanted the workman to come as it would have taken my mind off of things and been a distraction. He said he assumed I would want to call off. I told him never to make assumptions about me ever and that I thought he didn’t respect me by doing what he did. Now we’re not speaking because he won’t say sorry.
He has lied to me in the past as well and I am losing respect for him big time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 06/12/2020 20:49

In the nicest possible way yabu. He did it to be nice, ok maybe a bit misguided but still not set out to be mean.

And there is every chance over the next few days things will suddenly hit and you may well be pleased not to have to deal with workmen.

Sorry for your loss

greyinganddecaying · 06/12/2020 20:51

Sorry for your loss.

I would be really cross too - it might have been well-meaning but he showed no respect by just speaking for you without even discussing it.

GinTonicOnIt · 06/12/2020 20:54

I'm so sorry for your loss. I imagine your DH meant well, but he should have asked you first and apologised when you said you'd rather it went ahead. However, I would move on. IMO this isn't worth arguing over though, he had the best of intentions.

Stargazer2404 · 06/12/2020 20:54

He did it thinking of you, i dont think he intentionally went behind your back. Im sorry, i feel like yabu.

KarmaStar · 06/12/2020 20:57

He was thinking of you.you're upset with emotions everywhere.
Sorry but Yabu and an apology would be in order.
💐sorry for your loss.

LindaEllen · 06/12/2020 20:58

He was just trying to do the right thing - it wasn't necessarily 'behind your back' as such.

Please keep some perspective on this.

flaviaritt · 06/12/2020 20:58

Sorry about your mum. YABU.

MinnieMountain · 06/12/2020 20:59

Nothing can change the fact he didn’t ask you (I’d feel the same as you btw). But he really should apologise. Your emotions must be all over the place at the moment. He should be supporting you emotionally not causing you extra upset.

ButterMeUpScotty · 06/12/2020 21:08

I’m sorry for your loss, but with kindness, you’re being unreasonable. I think he was trying to be nice this time. Flowers

Amanduh · 06/12/2020 21:11

Yabvu. I’m so sorry for your loss but he has nothing to apologise for. Be kind to each other. He tried to respect you by helping you. Flowers

Yeahnahmum · 06/12/2020 21:11

Sorry for your loss.
You are however you're u. He did this thinking about you and cared about you. Not some weird assumption. A legit caring for you moment.

MustardMitt · 06/12/2020 21:13

Lying in general and this are two separate things IMO. My husband has done stuff like this in the past, yes technically it's a 'lie' but it was done with the best of intentions.

I am sorry for your loss. I think this is clouding your mind Flowers

HollowTalk · 06/12/2020 21:13

I'm sorry about your mum. Is it possible you're so angry that you've lost her that you turned on your husband over this. From here it sounds as though he was trying to be nice.

Can you call the guy and ask him to come and do the work?

Jouleigh · 06/12/2020 21:14

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks
My partner has done something similar for me.
I was raging, then realised I was more cross about the situation than the change, took a few days for me to realise that though.
Thinking of you Thanks

MegaClutterSlut · 06/12/2020 21:30

I don't think he should say sorry, he was only thinking of you. Yabu

I'm sorry about your Dm Flowers

LouiseTrees · 06/12/2020 21:32

@Sirzy

In the nicest possible way yabu. He did it to be nice, ok maybe a bit misguided but still not set out to be mean.

And there is every chance over the next few days things will suddenly hit and you may well be pleased not to have to deal with workmen.

Sorry for your loss

And if you really want the workmen in and he only just text them they may not have another job yet so you could just phone them back.
Nottherealslimshady · 06/12/2020 21:34

He was trying to be nice.

Bumblebee1980a · 06/12/2020 21:35

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hugs.

I totally understand where you're coming from. It would totally bug me too. He should have asked. Did you ask why he didn't? Yes I understand the situation but it seems strange that he would make that decision without asking.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 06/12/2020 21:39

I'm not sure you are thinking straight. He hasn't lied to you, he tried to do something nice. Sorry for your loss.

YouJustDoYou · 06/12/2020 21:43

...massive, massive overreaction.

Original poster
M0mmzee · 06/12/2020 21:48

Thank you all for your replies. I’m all over the place at the minute. I probably am BU. I can see that now.

OP posts:
rawlikesushi · 06/12/2020 21:49

Is his refusal to apologise more about your reaction? Because it sounds like you over-reacted and attached the worst possible motives to his actions.

I'm sorry for your loss. Try to get workmen back or make the most of a peaceful house maybe.

rawlikesushi · 06/12/2020 21:50

Cross posted. I hope you feel better soon op.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 06/12/2020 21:54

Sorry for your loss @M0mmzee it must be an awful time for you.

In the kindest way I really think your are being unreasonable and unkind to your dh. He did something with the very best of intentions to protect you from chaos at a time when you will (quite rightly) be vulnerable. I think you need to apologise to your dh.

Grief makes us do and say things we wouldn't normally. I went ballistic at dp for keeping it from me that my gran had died. I was at work, everyone else knew before me. I was devastated and felt hugely betrayed. However I know what he did was the right choice. I work in a busy male centric environment and bursting into tears is not good for my career regardless of the circumstances.

MinnieMountain · 06/12/2020 21:57

I don’t think you are BU OP.
My mum died recently. It’s really really shit.
It was 50:50 whether or not he was doing a nice thing, and he got it wrong. It’s not like he cleaned the house from to bottom, which would obviously be a nice thing.