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AIBU?

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Original poster

BF dozed off and mumbled about his prof's name during intimacy

71 replies

questionzzz · 06/12/2020 20:04

So Saturday morning, staying over at bf's place, cuddling kinda late morning, cuddling becomes more intimate and closer, I'm mumbling some inane sex talk and all that, and bf mumbles in response "I think that's the way she spells her name".
So I look at his face, yup, he's dozing with his fingers in me, and he's stressing and talking about an assignment (he's doing his MA) he had submitted last night, and the proper way to spell his prof's name on the title page.
We kinda laugh it off but I get progressively more upset- a/ I didn't initiate the sexy stuff, if he is so tired that he's falling asleep why was stimulating me? 2/ My body and sexy time with me sends him to sleep? 3/is he crushing on his prof? (he assures me no, never, 30 yrs senior, blah blah) 4/Am I taking too long? 5/literally our sex-time together send him to sleep??? Am i taking too long?

So we have a mini-row about it but make up and he says all the right things to the questions above and anyway still it's mildly bothering me but I don't want to keep going on about it.

Thoughts? I have to leave for an errand but I'll be back soon.

OP posts:
yetanothernamitynamechange · 06/12/2020 21:16

And if he did really fancy his professor he would probably know how to spell her name!

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 06/12/2020 21:18

'Is he crushing on his prof?' 🤢

Sort yourself out, love.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 06/12/2020 21:20

LOL re me having small children- my kids (not from him) are 18 and 15

I think the PP presumed you were much younger based on your OP, as you came across as being quite immature.

HOkieCOkie · 06/12/2020 21:25

Eww I don’t get ppl in here posting this intimate stuff.

FromThe70s · 06/12/2020 21:27

Oh bless you OP, this has given me a good laugh! I am totally going to start referring to “sex-time” now Grin

Give your poor BF a break... and just hope he doesn’t decide to do a PhD next...

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 06/12/2020 21:29

@HOkieCOkie

Eww I don’t get ppl in here posting this intimate stuff.
Yep. Don't need to hear about the finger-banging, honestly. Jeepers.
Original poster
questionzzz · 06/12/2020 21:43

@HOkieCOkieyes it's cringey posting about this stuff, I know but even though I have close friends and a sister with whom I'm pretty close, I've never had those kind of relationships where ppl discuss their sex life irl freely. Just never. I'd rather die. We just don't. So the couple of times I needed to sound out sex stuff, I come here. There's a really good solution though if you don't like reading about sex :)

Tbh, I do feel very immature and insecure re relationships. This is only my second real, long-term relationship (of 2 years), the first being with the father of my kids for 18 years which dissolved into a shitshow. Some casual flings in between / before, but nothing lasting or serious. I'm older than bf by 5 yrs (and I feel it shows), I have kids (he doesn't) and stretchmarks and the whole 9 yards. So yeah. I'm immature and insecure when it comes to sex and relationships I've been to counselling. It's a work in progress, I guess, not helped by partner falling asleep at key moments.

And just to repeat- I have been supportive throughout the whole MA journey- just the night before I'd read the assignment (at his request) and help proofread and talk about the correct place for the prof''s name etc etc. I'm still supportive. Just wish it wouldn't appear in bed, is all.

OP posts:
IEat · 06/12/2020 21:46

I fell asleep during it once. Woke up bf still going! Says a lot about my technique 😂😂😂

Srslydontgiveacrap · 06/12/2020 21:48

WTAF have I just read? Confused

I assumed you were 18/19 from your OP, but you have an 18 year old child? Wow.... OK then....

TonMoulin · 06/12/2020 21:50

What I am noticing in your OP is the worry about not being quick enough (to come?).
Why that worry?

Original poster
questionzzz · 06/12/2020 21:56

@Srslydontgiveacrap Sorry is there some maturity rulebook on dating that I've somehow missed? What is the appropriate way for an elderly crone in her 40s to talk about sex?

@TonMoulin Time is a huge thing for me. My life is very scheduled. And yes, I do worry about taking too long to come, and I get tired, and I worry that bf is getting tired (valid worry!) He says the right things- I still worry. As people noted- I am insecure re sex.

OP posts:
FestiveChristmasLights · 06/12/2020 21:57

[quote questionzzz]@HOkieCOkieyes it's cringey posting about this stuff, I know but even though I have close friends and a sister with whom I'm pretty close, I've never had those kind of relationships where ppl discuss their sex life irl freely. Just never. I'd rather die. We just don't. So the couple of times I needed to sound out sex stuff, I come here. There's a really good solution though if you don't like reading about sex :)

Tbh, I do feel very immature and insecure re relationships. This is only my second real, long-term relationship (of 2 years), the first being with the father of my kids for 18 years which dissolved into a shitshow. Some casual flings in between / before, but nothing lasting or serious. I'm older than bf by 5 yrs (and I feel it shows), I have kids (he doesn't) and stretchmarks and the whole 9 yards. So yeah. I'm immature and insecure when it comes to sex and relationships I've been to counselling. It's a work in progress, I guess, not helped by partner falling asleep at key moments.

And just to repeat- I have been supportive throughout the whole MA journey- just the night before I'd read the assignment (at his request) and help proofread and talk about the correct place for the prof''s name etc etc. I'm still supportive. Just wish it wouldn't appear in bed, is all.[/quote]
I can understanding wanting to come on here for advice instead of anyone in RL. I’m certain that all of these worries are your insecurities and not anything that are a concern about your relationship.

An MA can be hugely stressful and time consuming but it won’t last that much longer.

Srslydontgiveacrap · 06/12/2020 22:00

@questionzzz

No, there isn't. Nothing to do with how you speak about sex. you just come across as very immature. Is BF young?

Earache2020 · 06/12/2020 22:05

I graduated from uni 15 years ago and I still have nightmares about not handing in an assignment or not being prepared for an exam! So what I'm saying is that dreams about profs very likely to be about stress not sexual interest.

Original poster
questionzzz · 06/12/2020 22:05

He's younger than me. Mid-forties/early forties.

I guess a seasoned sex-partner would laugh it maturely and wisely ... honestly I think most people are a bit silly and emotional when it comes to sex.

OP posts:
RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 06/12/2020 22:11

That would make me laugh a lot.

corythatwas · 06/12/2020 22:13

where you're so tired and stressed why do you have me over- I would rather we spend quality time together

you don't seem to go in for tenderness in the way you think about him, OP

only want to see him when he's in perfect shape, and if he turns out to be more tired than he realised at first, then you feel hard done by

surely you're inviting him to react the same way: to resent you if you're not perfect one day

there is another way to run a relationship, you know- with tolerance of each other's foibles, and recognition that things aren't always perfect, and tenderness, and humour

Original poster
questionzzz · 06/12/2020 22:14

I am not wholly blind to the comedy (and we were kinda joky about it at first)- but I couldn't help feeling upset too.
I do appreciate all the reassurances from people that it had nothing to do with my body/sexual interest and everything to do with the stress and exhaustion of the workload. I guess I know that rationally, but still nice to hear it.

OP posts:
Growapair · 06/12/2020 22:22

@Wheresmykimchi

I once fell asleep during sex and shouted at my ex for not washing the oven trays Confused it happens
That made me lol so loud I just woke my own oh up 😂😂😂
Original poster
questionzzz · 06/12/2020 22:26

@corythatwas that's a good point, and I see the value in that approach.

The problem for me is the time aspect- My life has to be very scheduled and regimented, and we can only see each other for certain slots of time. In an ideal world (and maybe this relationship will get there), we'd have the time for the care of fatigue, but the way things are now, due to circumstances beyond our control, we spend one night a week together, and then a couple of snatched evenings here and there. So in a sense there is no time for that "caring" and "nurturing" aspect of the relationship to grow organically, although being human, there are times when we have to be.

Certainly there's been times when I was tired/stressed/upset about other stuff- and we'd talk about it (not during sex!) and he'd do the supportive partner thing. I think what threw me off that this happened mid-sex.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 06/12/2020 22:31

I am guessing you have just NEVER been THAT tired.

I live with chronic fatigue, work too many hours, do too many things... I can (and have), fall asleep entertaining myself before I have reached orgasm.

Sometimes your body says 'yes' and your brain says 'ah hmm.... ZZZZZZZZZZZ' when you are knackered. Do have a word with yourself eh!

SarahAndQuack · 06/12/2020 22:32

This sounds like the beginning of an implausible bit of airport chicklit, written for an American audience who don't realise we don't use 'professor' to mean 'person teaching at university' in the UK.

Wheresmykimchi · 06/12/2020 22:44

@Growapair I also once absolutely bollocked him in the middle of the night for allowing a man in the room who was looking at me.

It was the clothes on the chair 😭😭

HOkieCOkie · 06/12/2020 22:44

@questionzzz I don’t care about reading sex. I just don’t understand ppl who pour personal and intimate stuff on the internet. weird but each to their own.

Wheresmykimchi · 06/12/2020 22:46

@IEat

I fell asleep during it once. Woke up bf still going! Says a lot about my technique 😂😂😂
Hmm
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