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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for advice from people with step kids?

41 replies

Cigent · 06/12/2020 19:53

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

AIBU to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable?

OP posts:

Luciferthecat666 · 06/12/2020 20:09

I don't have step kids but I was raised by my stepdad who doesn't have his own kids either. It's workable OP but only if you're willing to put in the time and effort with them. If you are then I'd take it slow and not rush to meet them. If/when you do I'd just start with small steps and be more a friend to them rather than come in as a step mum that sort of relationship takes time and patience to build up definitely not something that happens over night. How old are his kids?

Subeccoo · 06/12/2020 20:19

I say this as a happily married woman, run.
My dhs kids were 9 and 11 when we got together and ended up living with us which was something I really didn't think of when we got together and would defo have put me off.
We all rub along fine but it's been really really hard over the years. I do not have a step mum relationship with them at all, it might be better if you do but if you don't want your own kids, I think it'd be a struggle to be a step mum.
If I were ever to end up single again, I wouldn't date a man with kids unless they were fully functioning moved out adults.
They're 19 and 17 now and things are easier, but I'm sometimes surprised we made it this far.

Original poster

Cigent · 06/12/2020 20:22

Thanks for your response. They’re 5 and 9, but the 9 year old has quite severe disabilities so has a much younger mental age.

I’m very much not rushing to meet them. In all honesty, I don’t want to meet them, not because I have any negativity towards them or anything, but I’m just not interested. I have a friend who met her girlfriend’s child very early on and they get on brilliantly, and that’s just not me.

OP posts:

JoandLily · 06/12/2020 20:22

I met an amazing man 7 years ago who had a 7 year old son. I had no kids myself. We are still together now and I love the bones of him but I so wish he didn't have a child (as awful as that sounds) i found that at first everything was perfect but 9 months down the line the dad guilt begins to sink in and you can't do anything without them wanting the stepchild there. I would honestly think about your life with two children around, if I had my time again I would never get involved with a man with kids and never would again.

chocolatesaltyxmaspudballs · 06/12/2020 20:23

I'm a step parent. If I knew what I know now, I wouldn't do it again. Run fast. Can I suggest you visit the step parenting board and read the thread about evil stepmums.

Pipandmum · 06/12/2020 20:26

My husband had son 11 and 13 year old when we met. We got married, had our first and his eldest moved in full time, and when he moved out at 18 his brother moved in (we'd had our second by then). It worked out fine.
But if you can't see a relationship happening with his kids it's only fair to move on.

2020iscancelled · 06/12/2020 20:30

I wouldn’t do it again no.

Here are my reasons

there is always a third party in the relationship. Not the children - the ex. There is consideration to this person in pretty much all your joint decisions - where you live, when you go on holiday, how you spend your weekends, how you plan your Xmas and other special occasions etc. As you need to consider their pretences as well as your own a lot of the time (for instance they may work weekends meaning that you won’t get a weekend without the children as they will not agree with an every of weekend situation - basic example)

If the ex is reasonable and a genuinely nice person then I expect it’s a lot more bearable but if they are unreasonable and take a lot of pleasure from having the control (or perceived control) then it’s ridiculously hard work and it causes a lot of resentment in your relationship.

you are expected to parent to some degree but have little say in decisions because ultimately you are not the parent.

you will have to “put the kids first” forever more even when it makes no sense because a step parent insisting that their own needs might also be important is totally unreasonable.

Effectively you are expected to put other people’s needs and wants before your own. That’s fine when they are your own kids because you have chosen to have them children and it’s part of motherhood to an extent. When they are not your children it does wear thin pretty quickly.

I am in a really happy relationship where the only real bone of contention is the never ending issues with the SC’s mum.

I’m sure there are tons of happy step parent situations. But of all the step mums I know they ALL have varying amounts of resentment around the thankless task of being a step mum.

Luciferthecat666 · 06/12/2020 20:32

Reading your update OP then I'd suggest you don't go further then because the kids always come first although my mum never pandered to me and my siblings we were told that my stepdad was to be treated with politeness and respect and he was the same with us he respected our boundaries from day one and never pushed or forced anything he let it happen naturally at our pace and as I said in my previous post it takes a lot of time and patience to build up a relationship. if you can't do that then walk away.

cringyminge · 06/12/2020 20:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

LindaEllen · 06/12/2020 20:34

My partner has a 17yo son who lives with us full time. If I'd known what it would be like before I agreed to start dating DP (the moods, bad atmospheres, laziness, constant arguing and door slamming etc) I don't think I would have gone ahead with it.

It wasn't like this when he was a younger teen and I'm hoping it eases off, but honestly, it can be so stressful sometimes.

Honeyroar · 06/12/2020 20:39

I’m a stepmum. It’s not easy and I frequently could’ve walked away. But I’d do it again in a heartbeat and I love my stepson to bits too. But while the children are young they will always be a huge factor in the relationship, and you will feel second frequently, and possibly have issues with their mother at times too. If you want an easy life he’s not for you!

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 06/12/2020 20:44

I I wouldn't do it again 🙈 they are fine but..... just no.

DryRoastPeanut · 06/12/2020 20:49

there is always a third party in the relationship. Not the children - the ex is not true!

I married a widow, we didn’t get much time away from his children because there was nowhere else for them to go, what with him being their only living parent!

But I love him, so I took him and his children as a package. They have grown up and left home after resenting me for so long.
Only you know f your new man is worth investing your time in but don’t be fooled into thinking it will be easy.

Stepchildren are hard but not impossible. I’d never tell someone to walk away just because the other party has children.

chipsandpeas · 06/12/2020 20:56

guess the main question is that a lot of people dont consider is how would you feel if you and him were living togather and for some reason the kids were to live with you full time

DrDetriment · 06/12/2020 20:58

I don't have issues with my partner's children as I get on with them really well. The issue is the toxic ex and she'll always be there. In your situation I'm afraid I'd run, not necessarily because of the kids but because of the disabled kid. If that makes me a bad person so be it.

Still1nLove · 06/12/2020 21:04

My step kids were 2,4 & 5 when I met their dad. It’s 21 years later and, although I don’t regret my decision, I would have choose differently if I had my time again. They have all lives with us at one time or another over the years, which has meant me parenting them too. Taking them to school and activities, leaving work to collect them from school, taking them on holiday, financial responsibility to a certain degree and all the usual parent stuff but with absolutely no say in anything meaningful to do with their lives. Every decision we made as a couple we had to have consideration of how it would impact them and their lives with their mum, it was not what I wanted for me and my relationship with my dh

VladmirsPoutine · 06/12/2020 21:24

If you don't want kids then this could potentially make you resentful. Even if you had kids and tried to create a blended family. These things are fraught. You need to decide what you want from this. His kids will always come first and be part of your life should you stay with him. Also they'll inherit whatever he has. I could never be a step-mum.

Dipi79 · 06/12/2020 21:27

If you're not even interested in meeting them, then I suggest you end it, freeing this person up to be with someone who won't be so cold to the mere idea of his children.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 06/12/2020 21:32

My ex had 2 young kids and it put a strain on my relationship.

Your relationship is fine now because you dont live together and you dont really see the impact it has.

But say if you continue this relationship, in say 2 years time, you could be living together.
They will live with you half the time or at weekends depending the arrangement.

You fall into doing things for them, getting them food and drink, occupying them, looking after them etc but you cant have any say regarding them.

I'm so glad I walked out and found someone with no kids. Best thing I've ever done

Tootsietootie · 06/12/2020 21:35

Unless you want to be a sort of parent don't do it. Very unfair on all of you, especially the children who have zero say in the situation

PhylisPrice · 06/12/2020 21:40

Married to a man with a 7 year old, wouldn't do it again. Child is lovely and has made things easy for me but the mothers dramas are the one thing we argue about! He does so much but it's never enough, plans have been cancelled etc she won't stick to the regular schedule (every weekend of him having DC), often just isn't home at drop off or asks for later drop off. Just such a hassle! You will find someone lovely without the baggage but if you're sure you don't want kids you are probably going to end up with someone who has them as they are more likely to not want more...

Original poster

Cigent · 06/12/2020 21:43

If you're not even interested in meeting them, then I suggest you end it, freeing this person up to be with someone who won't be so cold to the mere idea of his children. Why is it cold to have no interest in children I have never met?

Interesting points about thinking about further down the line - if it got serious & we ended up living together etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cigent · 06/12/2020 21:48

Unless you want to be a sort of parent don't do it. Very unfair on all of you, especially the children who have zero say in the situation

This is interesting. I would have thought that children would prefer their time with their dad to just be with him, and wouldn’t really want another adult parenting them. I didn’t grow up with a step parent though.

You will find someone lovely without the baggage but if you're sure you don't want kids you are probably going to end up with someone who has them as they are more likely to not want more...

I just don’t know if it will suit me though. I don’t want my own kids to look after so I definitely don’t want someone else’s to look after.

OP posts:

C0RA · 06/12/2020 21:54

What they all said - run!

Being a step mum to NT kids is like being an unpaid nanny. You do most of the work, never get to make any decisions but have to live with the consequences of the decisions others make. You get all the grunt work of parenting but very little of the fun bits.

Being a step mum to a child with severe disabilities is a whole other ball game - I speak from experience.

Brieminewine · 06/12/2020 21:54

I would have never dated a man with children when I was single but I’ve seen friends struggle and ultimately have their relationships fail due to dating men with children.

Similar to PP’s their relationship was dictated by the ex, the child had go on every holiday, day out etc, mum would change contact time constantly at late notice, they never had any time as a couple. Of course it was just as much his fault, but of course he wanted to see the child as much as possible.

I think it takes someone very selfless to take on a partner with children, you’re basically accepting a life of being second best.

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