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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for advice from people with step kids?

41 replies

Cigent · 06/12/2020 19:53

I’m in the very early stages of beginning a relationship with a man with two young kids. Probably better described as dating than an early relationship. I’m very interested in him, but I’ve always been reluctant to get involved with men with kids. I’ve never wanted children myself either.

AIBU to consider putting an end to things now because of his children? Or is being with someone with kids when you’ve not got any yourself workable?

OP posts:

C0RA · 06/12/2020 21:59

This is interesting. I would have thought that children would prefer their time with their dad to just be with him, and wouldn’t really want another adult parenting them. I didn’t grow up with a step parent though

Your probably right. But a lot of divorced dads like having a woman to do lots of the grunt work for them. Also circumstances might change and one or both of the children might end up living with their dad full time or at least 50:50.

If you read the step parent boards here you will see that lots of step mums ( and dads GF ) are the main carers for their step children when they are supposedly with their dad.

Thingybobbyboo · 06/12/2020 21:59

I think situations vary hugely. I have friends in blended families who make it work. It can be fine, even fun. It can be stressful too of course.

I have a child and an ex. He has DD every other weekend and is remarried. I think it’s pretty rubbish (separate issue) but he has 12 days straight every fortnight with no contact, if your partner was doing that you could easily have a relationship and have little to do with his kids.

You sound like you are taking things slow, I’d just keep getting to know what the situation actually is for his family and don’t meet the kids unless you become more sure.

HelloViroids · 06/12/2020 22:07

As others have said, I wouldn’t do it again (and I am happily married and love DSS). There is the obvious consideration of the children themselves which you have identified, but it also impacts decisions around annual leave and holidays, finances, where you live and the size of your house, not to mention your relationship with your in laws, and the choices you can make for your own children if you eventually have them with this man.

Original poster

Cigent · 06/12/2020 22:09

If you read the step parent boards here you will see that lots of step mums ( and dads GF ) are the main carers for their step children when they are supposedly with their dad. This will 100% not be happening. Obviously I won’t be meeting them for a good while, and we wouldn’t be serious enough to think about living together for a couple of years at least, so I’d hope that he’d be well used to having no woman there to do childcare for him.

OP posts:

Creatingausername · 06/12/2020 22:28

I can't see this relationship working! My friend was in a relationship with a man who has a daughter. She found it unbearable never having any time with just him, always moaning that the child was around. She isn't maternal in the slightest so it was a bad idea from the beginning and of course it didn't work out. They lived together and the child was with them most of the time. The reality is the kids will be around and you won't be able to just leave every time they come to see their dad if you end up living together. I wouldn't continue if you feel this way about children, you won't be happy.

GrinchnotHinch · 06/12/2020 22:35

So although this was a little bit hard to read as a mum with two DC, one who has ASD, age 5 & 8 and a partner who isn’t their dad. I actually agree that you shouldn’t go through with this.

My ex was great with the children when they were around and I never asked him to “parent” them. But he then decided he wanted to start his own family and for everything to be his new partners (that didn’t exist yet) “first”. (I have a feeling karma is going to leave him a single dad looking for a relationship).

However my current DP has never wanted kids and just loved me that much that he’s took them on, it’s really hard for him, especially dealing with my DS. It’s just not what he pictured. He has no intention of leaving and thought about what everything was going to mean before ever even getting in touch with me.

If you don’t think this person is the love of your life and worth changing everything you’ve ever wanted for, then don’t go any further.

I hope things work out well for you OP

GrinchnotHinch · 06/12/2020 22:36

I was also in a relationship with a man who only came round once the children had left, technically that worked but for the parent it’s actually a horrible rejecting feeling in the end.

GivingItAMiss · 06/12/2020 22:47

As a stepmum I'd say if you aren't interested in meeting his kids then I'd probably not take it further. They aren't going to vanish and at some stage if you move in together the chances are they'll stay with you at least some of the time.
Its easy in the early days of a relationship to enjoy your time with a single dad and forget about the kids especially if you've never met them but the longer you are with him, the less that's the case.
I don't say this unkindly, you are entitled to not be interested in kids or want your own but it won't work with someone who already has them. Unless of course he's the sort of dad who would ditch his kids on the back of a new relationship, and honestly who would want an arse like that for a boyfriend.

FinallyHere · 06/12/2020 22:51

I would have thought that children would prefer their time with their dad to just be with him, and wouldn’t really want another adult parenting them.

Its not really about the fun times, it's more that you have to accept that their needs and often their wants, too, just have to get priority. No matter what lovely plans you gave, if they need help a parent just had to drop everything.

I don’t want my own kids to look after so I definitely don’t want someone else’s to look after.

Fair enough. Just do not get involved with someone who has children. Find someone for whom you are the absolute priority. The sooner you stop dating someone with children, the better for all of you.

DH's younger child was at Uni when we got together, so I was not really been involved as a step parent. I would still advise you to run.

Original poster

Cigent · 06/12/2020 22:55

Unless of course he's the sort of dad who would ditch his kids on the back of a new relationship, and honestly who would want an arse like that for a boyfriend.

Indeed. I’d never want to be with anyone who put a woman ahead of his children.

He seems to have shared custody with his ex. They both work shifts so they don’t have fixed days. They do seem to have a friendly and respectful relationship, and they also have a nanny so extra help with childcare. A lot to think about.

OP posts:

cabingirl · 06/12/2020 23:02

Even when you have absolutely lovely stepchildren, and a fantastically cordial relationship with exW, it can be hard work.

Simply because kids and families are hard work - you feel that way about bio kids too but as you feel you have more control there, it's not quite as stressful.

The two main issues which will stress you out the most are the situation with the Ex, and finances.

So if you can see problems with either of those areas, it's time to think very carefully about what you want for your future.

MiaMarshmallows · 06/12/2020 23:04

I am a step parent and find it a privilege.
We all get on so well. Have my own as well but they are older. It just works. Maybe we are in the minority. I say this even after spending the first lockdown with them all.

Original poster

Cigent · 06/12/2020 23:07

The two main issues which will stress you out the most are the situation with the Ex, and finances.

He and his ex seem to get on well, it’s all very cordial. I’m interested in the finances part though - which part can cause issues?

OP posts:

AIMD · 06/12/2020 23:10

“I just don’t know if it will suit me though. I don’t want my own kids to look after so I definitely don’t want someone else’s to look after.”

realistically if he has a child with significant needs he is going to be caring for that child, to come degree, for a long time. Undoubtedly, if you were to become him partner, that would impact on your room at time (either through helping with the caring while they stay with you or him having less time due to caring for his child).

I dunno your posts don’t seem like continuing is the right choice.

BronwenFrideswide · 06/12/2020 23:12

@MiaMarshmallows

I am a step parent and find it a privilege. We all get on so well. Have my own as well but they are older. It just works. Maybe we are in the minority. I say this even after spending the first lockdown with them all.

I guess I'm in the minority with you Mia, I count my lucky stars that I have been given the privilege of being a part of my step childrens lives. We too get on so well, it works brilliantly.

Preparefortheflaming · 06/12/2020 23:33

I am married and have 2 children with my husband. He has a daughter who is now grown up. I have been around since she was quite young and I would not do it again. The daughter was nice when she was a child and I was extremely fond of her. However, she hurt me badly as an adult so now I can’t stand her and I know she can’t stand me either. Over the years I’ve bent over backwards for her and I resent it. Walk away OP it’s not an ideal situation that’s for sure.

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