AIBU to think he may be a cock lodger?

[Xmasiscoming2020]

Met a lovely guy a year ago who lives 90 miles away. From a few months in he started asking when he was going to move in (in a joking manner, but constant). He also said he would like us to have a child in a few years.

He is very lovely but there are issues...he is obsessed with body image, constant calorie counting to the point that it interferes with daily life (oh I'm fasting today so I won't have fish and chips on the beach as we planned, etc). He has daily health issues which are mostly in his head but dilapidate him regularly. He has ED but is 'putting off following up on doc appointments because of Coronavirus'...he says other people need the NHS more.

Now...I'm 40, had 3 children, but love the family life and wouldn't be adverse to having one last chance at a family. I own my own home through bloody hard graft. Upon meeting this lovely man and considering his wants, I explained that age is not on my side and if that's what he wants then we'll need to plan appropriately, sooner rather than later (putting aside my concerns about his various issues, which aren't deal breakers).

We had words the other day because I feel that I have tried to accommodate him and his desires...given him an office in my home to work from with a view to him moving in soon anyway, applied for a better job as we'll be needing more money (didn't get it), have him practically live here etc. I feel he is offering very little to get where we are supposed to be going. He is refusing to even consider looking for alternative work, his notice date keeps changing with no specific date set ever. He constantly talks about how wonderful his own county is. He is in debt with a repayment plan over 2 years but talks about getting several things on finance, including a car soon!

We have come to blows this week because he went home on Monday to sort things to sell, for a move here. He put some things he doesn't use from his shed up for sale and then wanted to come back here. I said I'd like him to stay there and get some significant progress done as the last I heard, he was handing in his notice in the New Year. He now says he doesn't know when he'll hand it in.

I have told him that I am more than happy to go back to dating him to take the pressure off, if he is reluctant to commit. That doesn't involve him practically living at mine though...but he's not happy about that.

I'm a very hands on type. If something needs doing then it's all hands on deck. He is very sloth. I'm getting older and this situation doesn't sit well with me. The uncertainty is making me depressed. I don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore.

HolyBuckets

@HolyBuckets

Floplodger?

Better!

He's an absolute loser and probably will not work at all once he's moved in. I was married to someone like this for 20 years only I had the health problems and absolutely had to break my back working all hours because he didn't. He came with loads of debt and continued to rack it up for 20 years.
When we finally divorced so he could go sponge off someone else I had to sell the lovely house I owned in a national park that I'd worked my whole life for and move into a small terraced house with another mortgage I'll be paying until I'm 67.
Do you want that for your kids? He has already shown you what he is. Dump him like a red hot poker.
Do not be me.

OP, if a man makes you depressed than he is not the right man for you. Irrespective of everything else

sorry but i think you would regret carrying on with this relationship, he seems to contribute nothing

Don't get me wrong, he is a lovely guy in a lot of ways. But this situation isn't good enough.

They always are "lovely guys" OP, until they have sucked you so dry there is only a brittle husk left. They know how to play women, love bomb, flatter and make promises they never keep.

In what way is he lovely? Just he just make you laugh and say nice things?

It's very easy to have fun with someone who's paying you for the privilege of your company. But he won't put his own money or effort where his mouth is.

This man has so many red flags. He not earning a great wage and he is in debit. He very fussy about his weight/health but yet won't go to the doctor about his ed.
He is not making any effort to get a job near you but wants a baby.
The reason he wants a baby is that he be tied to you long term and you be the one minding him and a baby. He will keep spending as well so long term all the hard work you put in to get your own house and money will be for nothing.

I would tell him now that your no longer want a relationship with him and that you have decided that you don't want anymore children also. I would not be letting things linger on any longer with him as he won't change. The longer your with him the harder it will be to end things and you don't want to get pregnant. You have worked to hard to get into your current position with your job, house and children to let him drag you and your kid's down.

I know a man in a similar situation to you a few years ago. He had a good job, own house, savings but had no kid's. He wanted a family. He turned one of my friends down for a relationship back then.
He met this woman who was a single mother of a young teenager and within a few months she was pregnant. Within a few years he sold his house to move to a bigger house further away from the place he grew up in. He would have money left from this move. His partner works but her pay is not great. He has a good job but works long hours. The child they have together is young but his partners child is coming up to college age and they are facing a lot of expense in the next few years.
Meanwhile he realising now that his life is not that wonderful with his partner. He contacted my friend months ago and is very keen to get into a fwb situation with her. My friend has no interest in getting involved with him due to a number of situations he is in at the moment.
She has a house and she not letting him move in if him and his partner split up. In time she will be getting a six figure inheritance and she wants to protect these funds also. She said to me anyone with half a brain could see what his partner was like but he rushed into to having a baby with her. He loves the child but realises now that she's a total leech. He has given up a lot for her and his life is now a total mess.

ed not being a priority would be enough.you can still have a lovely christmas.

Run for the hills. Trust me, you don’t want to be stuck in a few years with a rubbish sex life, and paying for someone else’s keep (I’m currently in this position).

YABU for phrasing it as "may be a cock lodger" - or even having to ask.
what does he actually bring to the relationship that is positive?
What do you have in common
why on earth would you want to support this waste of space long term, let alone have a child with it?
Save yourself from this hell, end it before he resigns or gives notice on his flat.

@Xmasiscoming2020

He is in a secure 20k job. A half decent job, but not enough for me to consider maternity leave! He rents and has little excess for a couple of years until he repays his debt (but is looking to get more finance.. ). When we first got together he said he'd take me for a nice meal every pay cheque, great I thought...hasn't happened. Although he does buy food for himself when he's here, the balance is off. I have discussed the increased bills when he's here and after many a chat he has told me that he will contribute. I'm not sure what this would look like.

He used to be overweight but has lost a lot of weight since just before we got together. He now looks perfect, doesn't need to lose any more, but obsesses over it. He has said he'll let up at Xmas tbf to him but it's still a drag on the relationship.

I'm pretty much decided that a baby is a ludicrous idea.

Oh dear. Tight as well. No, before long the scales will have completely fallen from your eyes and you will deeply regret entwining your self with a baby.

I couldn't bear the fussy eating.

Thank you for your stories. I hear what you're saying re becoming a single parent again. I have my freedom at my fingertips, I share my son 50/50 so have a lot of freedom already (and love it). My son is 10 and an absolute dream, one daughter at Durham Uni doing well and the other a mare but you can't win them all . I have everything.

I have been swept away but I'm glad I've come on here and gotten a reality check.

My plan is to talk to him about everything and tell him there will be no baby. I will propose 12 months of dating on weekends only before having any more conversations about moving in. If he doesn't like it then so be it and on our own journeys we shall go. I love him so it would be difficult at this stage to give it up without trying to come to a resolution.

Say at the start "no moving in until we've been together at least 5 years" should weed out the users. He asked to move in with you when you'd been together less than a year? What a cheek. Clearly after free board.

What do you love about this would-be floplodger?

Phew! Well done OP, you've come to your senses.

You sound sooo mismatched in every way - personality, finances, even food! Please think again about dumping him altogether. He has much to gain from this relationship, you have much to lose. He doesn't even have a properly operational cock as currency. Tell floplodger (love this!) to cock off!

ED at his age is pretty unusual and can be symptomatic of much more serious medical issues, like cardiovascular disease. Also avoid a relationship with any man who has an obvious and disabling medical condition but won't seek treatment for it. Those are the ones who walk into the clinic with late-stage cancer after ignoring the symptoms for a year or two.

His mental health issues would drive me batty. Do not get pregnant with him. I think your idea of 12 months of weekend only dating is good, but breaking it off completely would be better. That would give you the chance to meet someone without all of these issues.

You don't need to ask if he's a cocklodger. You know.

This should be your prime when you blossom in your autonomy and independence; secure home and income, children off the nest, the world at your feet. Free to enjoy it all.

The last thing you need is a self-centred dependent manchild cocklodger flopped on your sofa playing games while waiting for you to get home from work to cook his latest food fad and change the baby's poo nappy.

I don’t expect posters to be advised to dump and do it in a flash.

But I feel you’re not really listening - to yourself as much as anything.

What is the point of wasting further weekends on this man? What does he actually bring to your life? What does it mean to “love” someone so unsuitable? What is it you love about him? Is it just that you so badly want to be in love and he will do?

We all have love. We can kind of give it to anyone. And women who are desperate give it to some very rum specimens indeed.

I think you need to take some time out completely to get back some objectivity.

What resolution do you expect? That he will fix his erectile dysfunction, his eating disorder, his low paid job, his debt, his sloth, his tightness, his codependency? He needs a mother and a home, someone to cook for him and pay his bills. What’s in this for you?

@MissConductUS

ED at his age is pretty unusual and can be symptomatic of much more serious medical issues, like cardiovascular disease. Also avoid a relationship with any man who has an obvious and disabling medical condition but won't seek treatment for it. Those are the ones who walk into the clinic with late-stage cancer after ignoring the symptoms for a year or two.

His mental health issues would drive me batty. Do not get pregnant with him. I think your idea of 12 months of weekend only dating is good, but breaking it off completely would be better. That would give you the chance to meet someone without all of these issues.

It could also be symptomatic of a porn habit.

We all have love. We can kind of give it to anyone. And women who are desperate give it to some very rum specimens indeed

So fucking true!

What resolution do you expect? That he will fix his erectile dysfunction, his eating disorder, his low paid job, his debt, his sloth, his tightness, his codependency? He needs a mother and a home, someone to cook for him and pay his bills. What’s in this for you?

But OP luuuuuurves him!

"there are issues...he is obsessed with body image, constant calorie counting to the point that it interferes with daily life (oh I'm fasting today so I won't have fish and chips on the beach as we planned, etc).
And which will extend to you too as you’ll start adapting your behaviour to go along with this eg by not having fish and chips on the beach either as it’s less fun doing it by yourself."

This is the one example I don't think is fair. Would you say that about a dieting woman? I don't see why OP can't enjoy having fish and chips while he has something else.

What is so very lovely about him OP? Can you explain?

Put your best running shoes on OP and don't look back.

You are worth so so much more than this loser.

You have done really well to have your own house and you must not do anything to risk losing that. You are a godsend to him, he is a drain on you. Run run run