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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be frustrated with dp

29 replies

Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 09:15

I've been on the pill for several years and feel like I want a break from it. I have a health issue that can be exacerbated by hormonal contraception and to be honest dp and I have a fairly irregular sex life (once a month if that and without being graphic he often finishes, ahem "elsewhere") so I sort of feel like being on the pill is largely unnecessary anyway.

Spoken to dp about it of course. He says to stop taking it if I want. I obviously asked the question ' what if we get pregnant' as there's still a risk albeit a small one given our sex life. His response is well if it happens it happens but as my age I don't want to actively try. For context he's 46 and I'm 32. I have a dc from previous relationship and he has no kids.

I've always wanted another but dp seemed reluctant due to his age and inexperience. Also my dc is approaching 10 and I thought the age gap would be too big. But now he says this and I just think is it worth letting fate decide? Or if it did happen would he end up resenting me as it's not 100% what he wants?

I feel a bit disappointed at his slapdash attitude and also how the contraception issue always seems to be the women's responsibility. Wwyd in my situation? The chances of me getting pregnant are small anyway and I've used natural family planning before with success as I had a very regular cycle. Im not daft and realise there's still a risk but frankly I'm sick of filling my body with chemicals.

OP posts:
CutToChase · 06/12/2020 09:26

Well how much do you want a baby?

You're only 32 and your child is 10: that means you're young and your kid is about to become much less dependent on you.

Do you really want to go back to the Joy's but also drudgery and hard work of having a young child just when you could be enjoying a little more freedom?

If you're not having much sex with your partner and you have different attitudes to important things, is it worth staying together?

Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 09:32

@CutToChase I have asked myself these questions a lot. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a baby and I do enjoy the freedom we have now he's older and spends every other weekend at his fathers.

But I have also felt like something is missing for a while and although the baby stage would be hard work I think in years to come it's possible that I might regret not having another. I don't have much family and without being morbid I don't want to die alone with nobody around me!

Yes I do feel like dp and I perhaps have different views on it. But neither of us are so strongly opposed that it's a deal breaker between us iyswim.

OP posts:
Camomila · 06/12/2020 09:35

Could you use condoms?
Or the natural cycles app? (you take your temperature and it tells you if you are ovulating or not)

Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 09:46

@Camomila neither of us are wild about condoms but I have used natural family planning and cycle tracking in the past. I used to have very obvious signs of ovulation and would just not dtd at that time. I know it's not fool proof but it also wouldn't be a disaster if we got pregnant. I just hope it wouldn't cause issues between us but it's not like I've been secretive about anything.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 06/12/2020 09:52

If you have sex (even not very often) without contraception at 32, chances are you will get pregnant.

CutToChase · 06/12/2020 10:05

@Moaningmyrtle65

I mean this really kindly but having another child because you dont want to die alone saddles a lot of unfair expectation on an unborn child.

Maybe you feel something is missing and that something is closeness and complicity in your relationship?

Regularsizedrudy · 06/12/2020 10:10

✨condoms✨

Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 10:10

@CutToChase sorry that was a silly thing to say. I just mean that I always had visions of me having a big family and due to the way life has turned out I just have the one dc who I love dearly but I never really wanted him to be an only child. I feel I'm now at a suitable stage in life to support a child financially and emotionally. I was very young when I had ds.

Our relationship is very good on the whole and I'm happy with dp. If he really put his foot down and said absolutely no he doesn't want children I would accept that. But surely if he felt so strongly about it he wouldn't take the risk and would either insist I stay on contraception or sort some for himself.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2020 10:13

What’s wrong with condoms? Are you happy having sex so infrequently or is that his decision?

If you have unprotected sex you’re asking to eventually get pregnant. 32 isn’t old. You can’t seriously be intending to have a baby with someone you can’t have a proper discussion about this with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2020 10:15

But surely if he felt so strongly about it he wouldn't take the risk and would either insist I stay on contraception or sort some for himself

Huh? You need to TALK about this. Not take his laziness about contraception as a sign he might not to be completely against it! Are you always so passive?

How will you feel if you get pregnant, he fucks off because he actually doesn’t want to be a dad, and you’re left holding the baby you didn’t properly plan to prevent happening? I can’t understand your approach at all.

CutToChase · 06/12/2020 10:21

@AnneLovesGilbert
I think there are multiple things going on here:

  1. Shes disappointed he isnt enthusiastic and excited about the idea of having a baby
  2. Shes worried if she got pregnant there would be a backlash
  3. She wants a bigger family but doesnt want to leave DP.

Basically she feels a bit stuck and like any action will result in possibly bad change so shes hoping that by being passive things will be taken outside her control and she wint need to make tricky decisions.

OP what is going on with the sex? Whose choice is this? Why only once a month?

Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 10:22

Of course we have discussed it. He is reluctant due to his age. He feels he will be an 'old' dad. He also hasn't got any experience with young kids. He could quite happily carry on as we are but if it did happen I know he would cope with it and support me. We are financially stable it would just be a big change to our lifestyle.

There are pros and cons on both side. I just don't want to get to the stage where I'm too old to have anymore kids and then regret it.

The approach is come off the pill and see what happens I guess. But not actively trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 10:25

@CutToChase you have summed it up better than I have...

The sex once a month is largely due to his low libido. But I'm ok with it. I don't have a particularly high sex drive myself and when we do get round to dtd I enjoy it. I'd rather have that then mediocre but more regular sex.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2020 10:30

He will be an old dad. That’s a fact and it’s a valid consideration. He’s got to his mid 40s without wanting to be a dad and if he’s not keen now I’d believe him.

You cannot possibly know he’d cope and support you. That’s shockingly naive. It would be a massive change to his lifestyle. The biggest possible. And he’s telling you clearly he’d rather stay as he is.

Having sex without any form of contraception is actively trying. The lack of sex is a separate issue but you sound like those people who once they’ve conceived claim it was a surprise as they weren’t “actively trying”. That’s now how people who are already parents and in their 30s with partners in their 40s should be making major life changing decisions.

You seem reluctant to believe what he’s saying, that he doesn’t want to have a baby with you, because you believe it’ll work out okay. You could be right but unless this is your first visit to MN you’ll have seen your countless posts by women who were abandoned in pregnancy or with a small baby in longer lasting relationships, marriages, where the child was actively and enthusiastically planned. It’s all too easy for a man to just decide it’s not for him after all and leave.

Duanphen · 06/12/2020 10:37

"I'm going to come off the pill" isn't synonymous with "Oh no, now I'm going to have a baby."

Go off the pill and choose another form of contraception. I chose a copper coil, to avoid hormones, and it's been totally fine. Can just forget about it all for ten years.

Don't be all "oh I suppose I just might have a baby no one wants with a man who isn't very interested in the idea" Men who say "I don't want to actively try" are just gearing up to blame you if it happens. "She stopped taking the pill and trapped me."

ILikeStrongTea · 06/12/2020 10:43

I think what will happen is that you’ll get pregnant, he’ll tell you he’s too old to be a Dad and you’ll end up a single parent.

You’re naively hoping this won’t happen.

Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 10:47

So the alternative is to stay on the pill even though I don't want to not for the pregnancy but for my health and body??? Doesn't seem fair. If he is dead set against it he can buy condoms or consider a vasectomy. But he doesn't want to do either of those things. We have discussed that.

Nobody can ever know 100% what's going to happen in their life or relationship. But I would like to think I know enough about him and his character to feel pretty sure that he wouldn't abandon me or our relationship if this happened.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 06/12/2020 10:53

Well how much do you want a baby?

I think this is the wrong first question. I think it’s “how much does he want a baby?” Because no matter how much OP wants it, if he doesn’t actively want to be a father, it will be Op left to carry the mountain. And tbh, with his “if it happens” attitude to getting pregnant I can see he doesn’t actually realise the enormity of being a parent, or rather, he doesn’t expect it to have enormous impact on him. Which tells you everything.

I’d stop having sex until this is sorted.

CutToChase · 06/12/2020 10:54

Have you considered sitting down with him and telling him straight up that you want another child and you want to do it knowing the father also wants to love and raise a child with you? Telling him this is important to you and you've thought about it and it's kind of non negotiable?

This would also take the decision of what happens next out of your hands.

user1274245 · 06/12/2020 10:55

But I would like to think I know enough about him and his character to feel pretty sure that he wouldn't abandon me or our relationship if this happened.

So all the women who were abandoned by men when pregnant were stupid? Saw it coming? Deserved it?

Get off your high horse.

Smallsteps88 · 06/12/2020 10:56

We are financially stable it would just be a big change to our lifestyle.

Without being married, that could all disappear tomorrow.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2020 10:56

No of course you don’t have to stay on the pill Hmm

It’s not the only option.

The chances of him sticking around and being an involved, engaged, supportive father if you do conceive can be extrapolated from his unwillingness to take responsibility for using condoms. If he can’t be arsed with something as simple as that he doesn’t strike me as the type who’ll happily embrace a pregnancy then get stuck in with nappies and sleepless nights. He’ll remind you he didn’t agree to a baby.

Do you want a baby more than you want this relationship?

Smallsteps88 · 06/12/2020 10:59

Have you considered sitting down with him and telling him straight up that you want another child and you want to do it knowing the father also wants to love and raise a child with you? Telling him this is important to you and you've thought about it and it's kind of non negotiable?

He’ll just say “I want a baby” so he gets to keep his life as it is. Honestly, this is a foolish idea. Far better to sit down and without Op telling him anything of her own feelings, ask him to make a decision about whether he wants to be a father.

Original poster
Moaningmyrtle65 · 06/12/2020 10:59

@user1274245 when on earth did I say that?! Of course nobody deserves that.

But I think if you live with someone for several years in a close relationship it's not unreasonable to think you know a bit about their values and personality. You can never truly know anyone 100% and it happens, committed husbands cheat and leave and lie. But not in every case. Jeez.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 06/12/2020 11:00

Everything @AnneLovesGilbert is saying. Spot on!

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