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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws

49 replies

Neale123 · 05/12/2020 22:10

My in laws have decided that we aren’t part of their bubble. It’s our little boys first Christmas and they also have another grandchild who is part of the bubble. They have spent the last four Christmas’s with them and they definitely seem like the favourite. They make zero effort and seem to have no time for our little boy. He was born in Feb premature and they didn’t even visit him when he came out of his incubator. They’ve met him a total of 5 times, despite invites to ours when it’s been allowed in the rules! But they seem to see their over grandchild every weekend even if it’s to go for a walk and have even chosen to see our niece on the days they said they were too busy to see our little boy. My husband has said to them they seem to have a favourite but they don’t seem to think they’re doing anything wrong and just blame covid. But covid doesn’t seem to stop them seeing their other grandchild!

OP posts:
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 22:12

My ils never bothered with my ds when sil had her ds a year later.
Your dh - and you - need to quickly come to terms with their behaviour and embrace having your precious dc all to yourselves...
It really is their loss op.

Nymeriastark1 · 05/12/2020 22:15

Oh well their loss, just enjoy your Christmas together as a new family. What about your parents are they around?

Waveysnail · 05/12/2020 22:22

How old is niece? Is it their daughters child?

Original poster
Neale123 · 05/12/2020 22:23

My parents are around and we will enjoy Christmas together. I just don’t understand how they don’t have time for him. It’s at the point where they don’t even ask about him when my husband speaks to them on the phone.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2020 22:24

Do they prefer their other child to your DH?

Original poster
Neale123 · 05/12/2020 22:24

@Waveysnail

How old is niece? Is it their daughters child?
She’s 20 months now and yes she is.
OP posts:
Original poster
Neale123 · 05/12/2020 22:27

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do they prefer their other child to your DH?
I’d say they do. My sister in law seems to always get her way and everything she wants
OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 05/12/2020 22:28

Stop calling, see what happens. If they don’t call you have an answer, one which you can tell them. It’s their loss, your child will be loved

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 22:28

Ime it only got worse. We all lived within 3 streets of each other. Ils never bothered with my dc - even when I had 4... Too absorbed with being extra pairs of hands for sil. Sil even worked and they provided child care. Her dc got expensive gifts and even holidays. They never ever took mine anywhere.. I didn't want childcare just invested dgps for my dc...
I backed away before it became too apparent to the dc as it was beginning to. Dgps had toys at their home but mine weren't allowed to get them out for example.. Sil's dc turned up, helped themselves to biscuits etc...
Dh wouldn't speak up so I stopped making any effort.

HeddaGarbled · 05/12/2020 22:30

That’s very odd. There’s some issue there.

I think, for your own and your son’s emotional protection, you’d better assume they don’t want a relationship with your child and give up making any effort. It’s good that your parents will be proper grandparents for your son.

80sColourfulChristmas · 05/12/2020 22:32

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Ime it only got worse. We all lived within 3 streets of each other. Ils never bothered with my dc - even when I had 4... Too absorbed with being extra pairs of hands for sil. Sil even worked and they provided child care. Her dc got expensive gifts and even holidays. They never ever took mine anywhere.. I didn't want childcare just invested dgps for my dc... I backed away before it became too apparent to the dc as it was beginning to. Dgps had toys at their home but mine weren't allowed to get them out for example.. Sil's dc turned up, helped themselves to biscuits etc... Dh wouldn't speak up so I stopped making any effort.
That's disgusting. Did you go Nc?
Original poster
Neale123 · 05/12/2020 22:36

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Ime it only got worse. We all lived within 3 streets of each other. Ils never bothered with my dc - even when I had 4... Too absorbed with being extra pairs of hands for sil. Sil even worked and they provided child care. Her dc got expensive gifts and even holidays. They never ever took mine anywhere.. I didn't want childcare just invested dgps for my dc... I backed away before it became too apparent to the dc as it was beginning to. Dgps had toys at their home but mine weren't allowed to get them out for example.. Sil's dc turned up, helped themselves to biscuits etc... Dh wouldn't speak up so I stopped making any effort.
That is just awful. I can see the present thing already beginning to happen with ours. I just want time and effort but no.
OP posts:
LadyCottingham · 05/12/2020 22:51

My MIL doesn't even send my dc birthday cards and knows absolutely nothing about them but went to live with dh's sister for six months when she had a baby.

I just talk about her to the dc like she is a part of the family (rather than criticise her I mean) and make sure the dc have a good relationship with my side of the family. You can't change your MIL to be interested in you and your dc. You can only decide what you are going to do about it.

lanthanum · 06/12/2020 00:04

They may have been wary of bringing any additional risk to a prem baby. In a year when we're supposed to be trying to cut out any unnecessary visits, they might not feel that visiting will make any difference to their long-term relationship with your child, as they won't start remembering them yet, but will make a big difference to the older child. There might be a third household in their bubble for Christmas which means that somebody can't be part of it, and they know that you'll have your parents to meet with. Perhaps they think you'll be more anxious to see your parents, especially if there's a strong mother-daughter bond in their own family.

Try not to take it personally, keep communication open, make the invitations.

Original poster
Neale123 · 06/12/2020 02:33

@lanthanum

They may have been wary of bringing any additional risk to a prem baby. In a year when we're supposed to be trying to cut out any unnecessary visits, they might not feel that visiting will make any difference to their long-term relationship with your child, as they won't start remembering them yet, but will make a big difference to the older child. There might be a third household in their bubble for Christmas which means that somebody can't be part of it, and they know that you'll have your parents to meet with. Perhaps they think you'll be more anxious to see your parents, especially if there's a strong mother-daughter bond in their own family.

Try not to take it personally, keep communication open, make the invitations.

If they had any concern for covid they wouldn’t continue to live their lives the way they do. They continuously break lockdown rules and government guidance to see the other grandchild. But even in the good weather in the summer no effort was made to have garden visits apart from once. Pre covid lockdowns they didn’t bother to come up to see him whilst in nicu and scbu. And yes the third household in there bubble is my sister in laws in-laws. They’ve been invited to our house regardless and the offer has been turned down to suit sister in laws needs. It’s just a shame as my little one recognises faces and doesn’t have a clue who they are! I haven’t seen any one apart from immediate family all year and we have been extra careful to a point which at first they thought was going too far. I haven’t stepped foot in a shop since March. But now they just aren’t bothered at all.
OP posts:
MotherExtraordinaire · 06/12/2020 02:49

So lo is 10 months old. Presumably was discharged during lockdown?
We were in lockdown until June/July plus last month's lockdown. So really, they've seen lo every 8 weeks or if we take out lockdown, so really that's about every 3rd week outside of lockdown equivalent.
Also, you've stated you've been "extra careful". No doubt they're fully aware of this....
You're comparing a 9-10 month old with a more interactive 20m. Totally different.
And like it or not, being closer to a daughter isn't unusual...

Blacktothepink · 06/12/2020 03:00

Sadly it’s not that unusual Sad

Original poster
Neale123 · 06/12/2020 06:33

@MotherExtraordinaire

So lo is 10 months old. Presumably was discharged during lockdown? We were in lockdown until June/July plus last month's lockdown. So really, they've seen lo every 8 weeks or if we take out lockdown, so really that's about every 3rd week outside of lockdown equivalent. Also, you've stated you've been "extra careful". No doubt they're fully aware of this.... You're comparing a 9-10 month old with a more interactive 20m. Totally different. And like it or not, being closer to a daughter isn't unusual...
He was discharged 2 weeks before “lockdown” and was in there for a long time where they could of visited like every other baby there had from both sets of grandparents! When sister In Laws baby was born they went and stayed with her for 2 weeks...they wouldn’t even go and sit with our cat for an hour whilst we were at hospital for the 2 months whilst pregnant or whilst in nicu. And he is now very interactive! So it’s not quiet as simple as “covid”
OP posts:
luckylavender · 06/12/2020 06:59

I had this growing up. DF has one DSIS, golden child. We lived in the same town, in walking distance of the GPS. My aunt, golden child, a couple of hours away. I was an only child, my aunt had 4, although I've never met the youngest 2 because eventually we stopped seeing them, cut contact. Looking back it was so damaging to my self esteem to be so obviously second rate. My grandparents just weren't interested in me at all, for reasons I couldn't fathom. Protect your child from that OP, he doesn't deserve it.

FippertyGibbett · 06/12/2020 07:02

Personally I’d be happy that you don’t have to tolerate them, and concentrate on being in your family.

Nurse45 · 06/12/2020 07:04

@luckylavender

I had this growing up. DF has one DSIS, golden child. We lived in the same town, in walking distance of the GPS. My aunt, golden child, a couple of hours away. I was an only child, my aunt had 4, although I've never met the youngest 2 because eventually we stopped seeing them, cut contact. Looking back it was so damaging to my self esteem to be so obviously second rate. My grandparents just weren't interested in me at all, for reasons I couldn't fathom. Protect your child from that OP, he doesn't deserve it.
Exactly...I’ve tried so much. Tried so much with them before we had little one. It’s just so upsetting your little one being second rate. Especially when you remember exactly how they reacted about their other grandchild at the equivalent age. How they never stopped going on about them. But don’t even ask how ours is
Nurse45 · 06/12/2020 07:06

@FippertyGibbett

Personally I’d be happy that you don’t have to tolerate them, and concentrate on being in your family.
I’m not close/wasn’t close to my dads parents. I didn’t want that for my little boy but it seems that the way it is going to be. They’re just so lovely with the other grandchild. It’s very upsetting.
Amira19 · 06/12/2020 07:14

My mil favours her 2 dds children over ours if she came over which is rare its when sil was coming over. Its even worse now younger sil had a baby as she's lazy and gets mil to do it all. The only way she sees them is if dh takes them round. I've now lowered my expectations and I encourage them to develop stronger bonds with those who do want to bother with them.

Doggybiccys · 06/12/2020 07:25

@LadyCottingham

My MIL doesn't even send my dc birthday cards and knows absolutely nothing about them but went to live with dh's sister for six months when she had a baby.

I just talk about her to the dc like she is a part of the family (rather than criticise her I mean) and make sure the dc have a good relationship with my side of the family. You can't change your MIL to be interested in you and your dc. You can only decide what you are going to do about it.

This ^^ I can understand your frustration and disappointment OP but you simply cannot force them to be the DGPs you want them to be. It truly is their loss and think of the positives - you will never need to post on here about your interfering ILs, strained Christmas’s and all that shite. Just let it go and focus on the positive energies in your life. Flowers

(Have you had a name change fail? Just in case it’s outing)

Doggybiccys · 06/12/2020 07:27

And your child is NOT second rate - it is them who are third rate!!