In-laws

[Neale123]

My in laws have decided that we aren’t part of their bubble. It’s our little boys first Christmas and they also have another grandchild who is part of the bubble. They have spent the last four Christmas’s with them and they definitely seem like the favourite. They make zero effort and seem to have no time for our little boy. He was born in Feb premature and they didn’t even visit him when he came out of his incubator. They’ve met him a total of 5 times, despite invites to ours when it’s been allowed in the rules! But they seem to see their over grandchild every weekend even if it’s to go for a walk and have even chosen to see our niece on the days they said they were too busy to see our little boy. My husband has said to them they seem to have a favourite but they don’t seem to think they’re doing anything wrong and just blame covid. But covid doesn’t seem to stop them seeing their other grandchild!

My in laws are similar, even when they see us they call by DS his cousins name.. the last time they did that I snapped that’s not his name...! I just embrace Christmas and birthdays never being an argument we just see my side of the fam.

My MIL is much, much closer to her other grandchild, as she's much closer to her daughter than DH. I send her photos which she always responds to saying DD is beautiful etc, she buys presents for her and she used to visit before lockdown / tiers etc now and again, but its nowhere near the same. But shes not unkind, she does love DD I know that. If I ever feel that DD sees a preference or feels lesser then I will deal with it, but tbh I think its down to DH as much as her - his sister calls their mum daily, goes round 2-3 times a week. I think its natural tbh. And I'm very close to my family which is huge so DD is hardly short of loving GPS

I know it’s just upsetting. I’m just going to have to get used it. I suppose I need to distance myself from it all. That’s the only way it won’t be as upsetting!

Thing is they were so interfering when I first started seeing my husband and to an extent they still try to be but it’s just over the phone. I know they’re not overly keen on me - which makes me think that’s why they’re like that with our little one!

And yes 😂 doubt anyone would see this...but you never know!

I was in this predicament but the trick to stopping feeling hurt is to lower your expectations. Be polite, send photos occasionally but don’t expect anything from them.

We have a similar situation. It took me til dd1 was 12 to get so fucked off with the whole thing we went low contact. My only regret is that we didn't do it sooner.

I'm going to buck the trend here and be that mil. My daughter is a single parent who works full time and I was there just after my grandson's birth and have helped out ever since - she's on her own, emotionally and physically, and has needed and appreciated my help. My son and daughter-in-law's baby was born 12 weeks prem and was in hospital for those 12 weeks. We visited twice and watched them tend her through a window. We offered help then and on her return home but the 3 of them had become a very close unit and offers to help were politely declined so I stopped asking. It improved over time but they never wanted a babysitter (I think they felt she was too precious to leave) so I struggled to form an attachment with her. We spent time with them as a family but no one-to-one time. Perhaps they resented my support of his sister but nothing was said. Anyway, now my granddaughter is older we have developed a good relationship but I've never felt needed by their little family. I know it's different now with covid but has your OH told them how you feel? Do they realise what's happening here? Personally I'd try and clear the air before kicking them into touch.

@lifestooshort123

I'm going to buck the trend here and be that mil. My daughter is a single parent who works full time and I was there just after my grandson's birth and have helped out ever since - she's on her own, emotionally and physically, and has needed and appreciated my help. My son and daughter-in-law's baby was born 12 weeks prem and was in hospital for those 12 weeks. We visited twice and watched them tend her through a window. We offered help then and on her return home but the 3 of them had become a very close unit and offers to help were politely declined so I stopped asking. It improved over time but they never wanted a babysitter (I think they felt she was too precious to leave) so I struggled to form an attachment with her. We spent time with them as a family but no one-to-one time. Perhaps they resented my support of his sister but nothing was said. Anyway, now my granddaughter is older we have developed a good relationship but I've never felt needed by their little family. I know it's different now with covid but has your OH told them how you feel? Do they realise what's happening here? Personally I'd try and clear the air before kicking them into touch.

Thing is my SiL situation is very different - she is a married stay at home mother, who's husband only works 4 days a week and finishes by 3. We also very much asked for the support and have invited them up but they have been 'too busy' and on many of the occasions prior to covid in January and February when my OH asked for help she was doing something with SiL, like going shopping!!

My OH told his dad how he feels about this yesterday and they couldn't see how they were doing anything wrong. My OH pointed out how they made a visit to see the other grandchild prior to the lockdown 2 but not ours (and how they broke lockdown 2 twice to see that grandchild). He pointed out how theyve seen SiL the last 4 christmas but not us and how they saw the other grandchild on their first christmas. He pointed out how when we'd invited them up to ours and my FiL was 'too busy with work' they had gone to SiL for sunday lunch. and all the many other occasions and tried to explain how it comes across but he didnt see a problem with it. My MiL wont even talk to us about it. She wouldn't even tell us she wasnt going to see us at christmas!

My nana very very obviously favoured my cousins over me and my brother. I have never forgotten it and I just won't let it happen to my own kids. We would go round on Christmas morning and get given our presents, me and brother would have the same couple of cheaper gifts as the cousins (slippers, chocolate etc) but then they would also have the latest football shirts, games consoles and toys as well. If we went round and the cousins weren't there then she would talk non-stop about them and compare them to us. Well "John" can do x, y, z he's very clever.

Mil is the same, last christmas she said she wasnt doing proper gifts just a token something, thats fine they get enough any way. On the day we all went round sil dc got gifts mine got a bar of chocolate. I wouldnt have minded so much if we werent all there at same time but the difference was very clear

Don't stress about it!! Makes Christmas so much easier when you don't have ILs to include in plans.

I have 2 children 2 and 4m. My ILs have met my eldest once and never met my youngest. Their loss.

My MIL said I'm unwelcoming, because the 1 and only time she's ever been to my house in 6years I asked her to remove her shoes, we were having the drive done so was all Sandy and I'd just had a new lounge carpet. So I'm the reason she doesn't come to see her grandkids. NOTHING would stop my mum seeing them.

Don't ever chase someone to be in your children's lives. If you have to force it then it isn't going to be beneficial to them. They won't miss something they've never had x

I suspect it boils down to how good a relationship mil has with her own children
My mil was far more interested in her daughter ( my sil) children because they had a good mother/ daughter relationship
But my dh and his brothers had a poorer relationship and so their children weren’t as favoured
It’s a shame but it happens

All you can do is accept it for what it is

SIL DC were always PIL favourite here too. You're on a hiding to nothing.
I think far far less of them now.

My advice would be to stop bothering and chasing them because you're going to be continually hurt and let down. People like that don't suddenly change. I'd keep your DS away from it before he starts to notice the favouritism. Have a lovely Xmas with people who genuinely care for you . I know it's incredibly hurtful because we've been there.
My MIL doesn't bother with our DD who's now 7. Wev invited her to numerous trips, activities, dinner , days out, visits and she always declines or makes out you're putting her out. She only appears at the special occasions of the year (Easter, birthday, Xmas). We now don't bother anymore and let her crack on . DH was hurt at first but now he don't care. He's obviously incredibly angry at her.

His DB is the golden child and she runs around after him and babies him (childless and lives at home at nearly 40). She has visited every Xmas day but Wev told her no this year and she's gone into a sulk. Why does she get to enjoy DD on the best day of the year when she don't care any other time.

It is very freeing when you let it go . I had anxiety over it for a long time but I live peaceful now.

(Sorry that was long )

My MIL & her family drove past the hospital where my DD spent 9 weeks in the NICU, twice a week. Never once came in to see her.
Saw her 3 times before her second birthday. For her 1st Christmas she bought a lot of tat that had “baby’s 1st Christmas” printed on it....we got the parcels when we visited on Boxing Day, it all went in the charity bags come January. She would steal all my Facebook photos and pretend she was a brilliant gran.
DH eventually cut contact.

Yep, GP see other grandkids more often and even offer to babysit / look after occasionally when routine childcare falls through. Never have offered for us and even had to twist their arm when in labour to help out.

I use to get upset but I’ve realised I can’t change them. I’ve chosen not to get upset and just stop trying as hard. The balls in their court. I agree with PP I never slag them off in front of the kids and I feel so much mentally better

It's their loss. People are funny. My ILs make a huge fuss about my DD but put zero effort in - it's all surface and showy stuff. They don't see her very much (their choice, they moved abroad when she was a baby), but when they do, they basically descend upon us and start making demands, always around what they want and what suits them. When they do see her, they just talk at her (same on Skype), bellowing her name at her repeatedly, talking over her and not listening to her when she tries to speak to them. They have no interest in getting to know her, they just want her to be impressed by them (they're those sorts of people generally: very loud and showy, want to be the centre of everything). It annoys the hell out of me they make such a huge song and dance about having a granddaughter, when they don't even know her. She's a great, funny kid and worth knowing (yes, I am biased).

Relationships aren't always what you want them to be.

My father has been, overall, a very disinterested grandparent. It's his loss not mine or the children's because they have more meaningful relationships with other family members.

The children are older now and have a great relationship with my in-laws and are pretty indifferent towards my father. So, who's lost out?

Then I agree with the others, sit back and leave them to it. Enjoy your lovely little family and have a good Christmas.

Would you honestly want to be in a bubble with them at the expense of your own parents?

If you joined a bubble with PIL and SIL then you couldn't see your own side. Hopefully when things get back to normal there will be more opportunities for the grandparents to improve and for the cousins to play together. Try not to let it get to you.

I have this with my sister, my mum shows zero interest. My sister shows minimal interest too which may be part of the problem?

My kids are now teens and my sister has yr1 and yr2 aged kids. Guess who has doting Grandparents doing all the grandparent stuff! It kills me. I called my mum after about 4 months of no contact and she couldn’t talk as she had my sisters kids and was too busy. Had enough time to tell me about all the Christmas things they have planned. I hate December

So now that they have shown you through their actions and words where your ds is on the priority list, you can make a decision. Decide between running after them trying to force them to care for your ds or just step away and leave it be and never go out of your way for them.
Personally I would do the latter. You can't force someone to care for your child when they clearly have a favourite. But you can keep a distance to protect yourselves.

When me and dh split up courts only gave him access to 2 youngest... Ils never ever contacted me to see how oldest 2 were.
Ds was there first dgc. They haven't seen him for over 20 years. I see them occasionally now as one of the younger dc still sees them. They have rewritten history - talk about dc when they were little. They never saw them for the first 5 years of their lives.... Bizarre.

Enjoy the freedom that this brings. I know it's very hurtful when family don't seem interested in their grandchild(ren) but when you see how awful and imposing some in-laws can be I think you've had a lucky escape.
Fortunately your parents ARE interested and you can focus on that relationship without there being any jealousy or pettiness.
It is NOT you, it is NOT your child - it's all them.