His 'jokes'

[user12121212]

Hello

I'm looking for opinions on wether you think I'm being unreasonable or not.

My OH is generally nice. But sometimes, if I disagree with what he's saying, or sometimes just generally, he will make a personal 'joke' about me.

Never regarding my appearance, but things like 'fucking bitch' daft cun* etc. I can't even think of the top of my head of what's been said pre 'joke' just that i bloody hate it! And have reiterated this to him.

When I express I don't like it he will just say it's a joke, lighten up, where's your sense of humour went? can the old user121212 come back etc.

I just don't know what to think to be honest, I grew up in a very abusive household so that can sometimes skew the lines of wether I'm being too sensitive or not. But don't think it's normal.

Thanks

It's not normal and it's very disrespectful.

Thats not a joke, its verbal abuse.

That’s not a joke.

How is that a joke? He’s a pathetic coward who hides behind that as an excuse when you won’t take his abuse.

I would tell him to get to fuck.

That is indeed abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. It's not normal.

Which bit is a “joke”? Calling someone an abusive name because they disagree with you? It’s not normal or funny, don’t be bullied into thinking you’re the problem here.

Just tell him you have evolved. He has remained some sort of neanderthal..

He's disgusting and he's gaslighting you on top of it.

A joke is where everyone laughs

Abusers sometimes say something horrid then claim it’s ‘a joke’ to wrong foot you or they claim you’re ‘too sensitive’

Tbh I think you need to think about whether he’s adding to your life or sucking the joy out
Personally I’d ditch him

Would he be chortling if you called him a dumb cunt, fucking arsehole, asking what happened to the old bastard?

If you have told him you don’t like it, and he continues to do it, then he is demonstrating quite clearly that he doesn’t care whether he upsets you, or possibly is even deliberately enjoying upsetting you.
That suggests to me that he’s a bit of a shit, OP. And what kind of man uses abusive language to a woman he claims to love?

‘Fucking bitch’ is not a joke, and someone who’s only nice to you when you don’t disagree with him is not nice to you.

Do you think he would find it funny if you called him 'fucking bastard' or 'wanker'?
I doubt it - there's your answer.
It's not acceptable or normal in a relationship.
Get shot of him.

That's not normal.

That's not a joke.

My DH wouldn't use those words, and certainly not around, or in reference to me. Definitely not normal or acceptable.

He's abusive and he's trying to make you believe that it's actually normal and you're just being overly sensitive. "Gaslighting" gets thrown around a lot here but this is a prime example.

When I express I don't like it he will just say it's a joke, lighten up, where's your sense of humour went? can the old user121212 come back etc

'Yes, the old User12121212 will come back when you've broken the habit of verbally abusing me, and not before.'

And walk away.

He is insulting you, and then insulting your response to being insulted. He is trying to manipulate your moods to suit his whims. What he is doing is not ok.

There is no such thing as 'too sensitive'. Think about it. If you had a partner who was very sensitive about something particular, even something really silly, say, like 'having conversations about tennis', would you insist on talking about tennis with him, and then call him 'a stupid fucking twat' if he got upset? I suspect not. I suspect that you'd be gentle with his sensitivity, and try to avoid upsetting him.

You are allowed all of your sensitivities. You are allowed all your responses, all your emotions. Your responsibility to yourself is to surround yourself with people who don't make you question those feelings. He does, so it's your responsibility to yourself to bin him.

Being repeatedly called names and belittled or put down is domestic abuse. Gaslighting or being told that you are overreacting is also abuse. It's clearly stated here:

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help#recognise-domestic-abuse

That is not normal.

See, that BBC programme, Ghosts - I find that funny. His jokes? Nah.

Well, you know they're not really jokes - that's why you have to put quote marks round them. Clearly they're not funny at all.

In fact, I would be so unamused I'd be considering if I had a future with this man. (Actually I wouldn't even be considering - I'd be planning my exit.)

You're worth more than this. Anyone who calls you names like this, or otherwise make you feel bad, has forfeited their right to be in your life. Bye Felipe!

I’ve been married 25 years and my husband has never sworn at me, called me names or belittled me. What you are experiencing is emotional and verbal abuse. He sounds vile.

Thanks for your replies

To be honest, I have known for a while now that we're very incompatible but when its good we get on so so well.

I have considered leaving many a times, but kids/finances etc make it a lot more complicated, and would worry about his initial reaction and the stress of going through it all would be too much for me just now I think.

It sounds so silly now writing it down, that I know we shouldn't be together, but still I stay. I can't even put in to words why... because when it's good it's really good and I love him?

I would hate it. And him.

No, your barometer isn't off. You need to explain that even if he means it lightly, it's not how it feels, so please don't do it, or you're getting a divorce.

It's a shame that incompatibility isn't often 100%, there's always something we love and don't want to leave, otherwise we would never have got together in the first place.

I think the % of compatibility a person will accept is directly proportional to their self esteem. People with low self esteem will accept a relationship with a very low level of compatibility, but people with higher self esteem will say 'No chance!' and leave, because their bar is much higher.

Don't stay because you have some compatibility, OP. Respect yourself and leave. You know you deserve more than this, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread. You knew full well that nobody was going to post 'Yes, he's right, you are a fucking dumb cunt, and you deserve to be called that.' You needed validation for your gut instinct, which was 'This is wrong.'

Your background will make it difficult to listen to your gut instincts, because your feelings have been made into nothing by the abuse in your childhood home. But try to listen to this gut instinct. Try to respect it. It is the real, unfettered you, and, as such, deserves to be taken seriously, by you, and those you surround yourself with.