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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to tell me about your 13 year old daughter

54 replies

Confusedismyname · 05/12/2020 16:26

Daughter has always been pretty easy going until lately (apart from being a messy mare) She’s now stroppy, argumentative and has started lying over the most ridiculous things, things that wouldn’t even get her into trouble.

She normally gets on with her sibling, but lately she’s been causing more arguments.

I’m sure it’s ‘normal’ behaviour for her age, but it’ll be good to hear from others with daughters of similar ages.

Thanks in advance. 😀

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 06/12/2020 17:56

Just turned 14. Rolls eyes, takes offence.
I've survived one so hopefully this will pass in in the next 3 or so years. My eldest is now great fun to be around!

sansou · 06/12/2020 18:05

DD13 can be pretty rude and sarcastic. We've taking her phone and laptop off her every evening because she has proved herself untrustworthy so she's not allowed any tech in her bedroom at night - indefinitely...

Original poster
Confusedismyname · 06/12/2020 20:41

I’m feeling so much better having read some of the replies.

OP posts:
SecretOfChange · 06/12/2020 20:43

Very validating thread, I agree. Reading this made me feel a little more ok and less like I'm about to lose my marbles any minute.

DD is 13, self harming, anxious and depressed. 'Challenging' doesn't even begin to describe it. Various people I trust tell me it will get better and most of the time I believe that it will, but just finding it very, very hard right now.

DD is very talented so I bloody hope this self deprecating phase will pass. She's got so much to offer to the world.

Thank you @londonschool for the book recommendation and @KateF for being honest about the impact on you. It helps.

SonEtLumiere · 06/12/2020 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatsAllFolks · 07/12/2020 20:23

Omg yup. I raised a boy now 21. Simple creature. Studied when I told him. Always good tempered. But lazy. Relied on his smile when I got fed up with him. Loved xbox with friends. Now I have a 12 yo girl going on 13. Totally organized, up on time, out on time. How can one person create so much mess? How can someone be so hard yet fragile and switch seamlessly between the two? How am I so irrelevant....I have my period...no, Poppy has started so I don't need advice from you, mother, who has had thirty years of periods...every so often when I am at the end of my tether about the self obsession, selfies and online presence I get a shy 'hey. Sorry I was a bitch earlier' . Tonight she came in from school. I had finally persuaded her to have a school coat and wear her school jumper. Until now she has refused as people will call her fat. I picked her up as usual. She said thank u for the lift. She said thank u for the coat, it is so much warmer. No moaning or eye rolling. I asked her if she was feeling ill!

gingganggooleywotsit · 07/12/2020 21:32

Sounds exactly like my dd op, only she started the behaviour you describe at age 12. (She’s 14 in a few months) it’s hard. I am starting to see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel just lately..it’s very tiny but is there all the same. You’ll get through it. Best advice I can give is something I have learnt through bitter experience. Never over react or lose your temper as it just makes everything escalate and much worse.

SecretOfChange · 08/12/2020 08:11

So true about not losing your temper - that's the hardest part.

This letter is nice, I read it so many times and never get tired of it: The Letter Your Teenager Can't Write You

FPS123 · 08/12/2020 08:15

I’ve got boys but I think the same applies. DS2 is awful at the moment. It’s like he hates the air that I breathe. I just hold out that it’s temporary as DS1 was horrendous at 14 but now he’s 18 he’s grown up into a lovely young man who adores his mum ❤️

Funkyslippers · 08/12/2020 08:17

My DD is 11½ and has been like this for about 6 months. She told me she hated me last night. This morning she's been sweet. But I'm expecting tantrums later. I find it really hard not to lose my temper but I'll remember this thread, it's been helpful to know it's not just my DD!

mollscroll · 08/12/2020 08:21

DD 14. So easy going as a child. Quite turbulent now. A lot of lying about screens. I am cracking down hard on that and biting my tongue about the rest. It’s hard especially when there is no one to look after you.

PickledRick · 08/12/2020 08:27

My DD is 13 in a couple of weeks. She is such hard work. She is like Jekyll and Hyde. One moment she is chatting to me about school etc, then she flips to snapping at me. Like others, her friends are her world. I can't wait to get through to the other side!!

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 08/12/2020 08:28

My 13 year old daughter and I can get on just great a lot of the time- watch tv together, chat about stuff and have a laugh. Occasionally she even lets me give her a cuddle if no one is watching.

But my god she’s petty at times. Flounces off at the smallest thing- usually if my tone of voice isn’t to her exact liking. She’s also the messiest person I know. I’m not exactly a naturally organised person but she is on another level. She does (usually) cheerfully admit to being a total minger though.

bibliomania · 08/12/2020 08:41

Another vote for the Untangled book. The author says your teenage dd can be rolling her eyes but still listening to you - she just needs to assert that little bit of distance. I found that helpful. Now the eye-rolling doesn't bother me, I just marvel quietly that they remain lodged in her head.

DougRossIsTheBoss · 08/12/2020 08:54

DD is13.
A lot has changed in the last year:

She used to keep her room very nice and tidy and now it's a pit of horror
She still is very bothered what she looks like but has a blind spot about her armpits and frequently has to be reminded to shower and wash her hair. If she does get in the bathroom she'll be there for hrs and hrs doing god knows what.
She used to be a very early riser and now in lockdown and at weekends I'd be lucky if I'd see her before 10am
She still has flashes of being very kind eg buying thoughtful Christmas presents with her own money but mostly she is massively lazy and selfish and doesn't appear to care about anyone else.
I used to be able to persuade her to try activities although she's never been very keen on new stuff. Now we have floods of tears and accusations of how mean I am if I suggest anything other than mooching around the house watching TV.
She used to like to help round the house when she was little. Now you'd think I had shot her from the wailing if she's asked to put her own dirty plate in the dishwasher.
She used to play a lot with her younger brother which was so cute to see. Sometimes she still will but mainly he irritates her now and she ignores him and is on her phone or screams at him for touching her or her stuff.
She was never much of one for a hug. Now I am not allowed to touch her without specific permission.
She was always very shy and compliant. Now we get backchat, eye rolling and lying and unfortunately she's a good liar. Great poker face.

On the other hand
She makes a lovely cuppa sometimes without being asked
She enjoys walks and nature and seems genuinely happy and care free if we do that
She also still enjoys art and craft stuff and will immerse herself in a project independently
She's interesting to talk to and likes to share what she's learning especially books and plays they are studying at school.
If she does put her mind to thinking of others she's good at it. She buys lovely thoughtful presents. She knows what I'd like better than DH
She gets herself ready for school independently and does all her homework without my involvement

You can't stop time or hold them back even if I wanted to. I just hope some of the bad stuff is temporary and the better stuff will stay....

Notcontent · 08/12/2020 09:12

Yep. My dd is 14 and it’s quite hard living with her at times. On the one hand, she is still a lovely girl who is pretty sensible, committed to her school work, etc. BUT - she can be incredibly rude and disrespectful towards me, almost like she hates me. Everything is my fault!

She was a late developer so I expect that this will go on for a while longer before it starts to get better...

Branleuse · 08/12/2020 09:39

mines 12, nearly 13 and is really tricky. Strong opinions. Not always nice to people, but also really funny and clever. I feel like shes older than she is as she did puberty quite young and the run up to that and when that all started was the worst bit

Original poster
Confusedismyname · 08/12/2020 18:59

I can totally relate to the mess! My daughter will leave a trail of destruction in her wake.

OP posts:
TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 08/12/2020 21:02

Discarded cornflake box, discarded inner wrapper... trail of cornflakes..... on side, on floor, next to fridge, next to cutlery drawer.......

ChestnutStuffing · 08/12/2020 21:38

I have one dd15, and one 13. The elder was a sobbing mess at 13 and tried to go to a school dance dressed in very inappropriate clothes, and wore awful orange foundation. The younger is in the middle of being difficult, moody, and argumentative, and may yet drive me mad.

They are both pretty good kids though and the elder grew out of most of it. She now looks back on the orange foundation in horror.

Newgirls · 08/12/2020 21:44

Mine was a bit like this and a lot of it was hunger - she really needed to eat better, more protein. Sounds trite I know but it helped. A good packed lunch with chicken, tuna etc in it. Their bodies are going through so much.

Elzbells · 08/12/2020 21:50

My 13 year old rolls eyes at everything I say, tries to talk to me like she would her friends. Her bedroom is an absolute dump, I've lost count of how many times I've had to take sanitary towels out of discarded knickers. She's gross. And thinks I'm a fool.

However, she is also really open with me, talks to me about everything, doing really well at school, takes school seriously, is kind to get friends.

I'm picking my battles. Although I have to say I lost it yesterday after I spent money buying her clothes she wanted and she then refused to help me bring in the shopping. I think it's important for her to know that her behaviour impacts negatively and that there are repercussions (she lost her phone for the evening).

jennytheonionslayer · 08/12/2020 23:33

My 12 year old DD and my 16 year old DD are both going through that awkward stage for females, (between birth and death!😂)

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 09/12/2020 08:25

I don’t think mines said a civil word to me this week. I go and ask her if everything’s ok, and she just glares or rolls her eyes. Very fed up.

Do you ignore and retreat, or keep trying. It’s so tiring. Normally we’d be going for meals and stuff. Covid’s stopped all that (Tier3)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 09/12/2020 08:31

I feel your pin as I'm on the peri menopause and the two things combined aren't fun are they?

Can I second the PP suggestion for Untangled? My DSIL recommended it to me after DN went through a similar phase so as least I know what I'm up against.

Actually, I think I might reread it...