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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose what to buy my nieces for Christmas

36 replies

Avogato · 05/12/2020 13:42

I have two nieces. Not close to my sister (their mother) - we text very occasionally.

Out of the blue a while back (after she hadn’t responded to my text checking in with her) she sent me links to what I should buy my nieces for Christmas - the presents would have cost £70 each which I thought was really cheeky as she knows I’ve taken a pay cut this year due to covid.

I love my nieces but they are incredibly spoilt. Their mum buys them presents every time she leaves the house and there were so many presents under the tree last year the littlest one gave up opening gifts.

I made a joke of the price of the present my sister had linked me. She accepted I was reluctant to spend that much so has now asked me to buy what is essentially a stuffed toy for £30 per child. I don’t even think the eldest will be bothered about it.

I like choosing gifts for them myself and like to pick something I think they might like. AIBU to just go ahead and buy what I want to choose and spend and ignore my sisters instructions?

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 05/12/2020 13:50

You are both U and not unreasonable

I always hated sending gift lists to family, to have them completely disregard it and buy worthless tat that ends up in the bin.

Saying that, she needs to send a gift list ranging from £10 ish UP TO £70 not straight away going for the top amount

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 05/12/2020 13:54

Gift voucher for the amount you want to spent

Conkergame · 05/12/2020 14:00

YANBU, that’s incredibly grabby of her! You didn’t even ask her for ideas! Just tell her you prefer to pick a surprise for them and go with that. If she replies with anything other than a grateful thank you letter she is very unreasonable!

Circumlocutious · 05/12/2020 14:00

It’s not clear cut. It depends on whether or not you’re actually a decent gift giver. It’s nice to have some agency and be able to exercise creativity with gift giving. On the other hand so many well-meaning relatives miss the mark when they make their own choices.

Soubriquet · 05/12/2020 14:02

Gift vouchers i think is the best way to go!

Cornishmumofone · 05/12/2020 14:05

I really wouldn't go with gift vouchers this year unless they're for somewhere that you're confident will still be around in a few months time (Amazon, iTunes etc).

Yeahnahmum · 05/12/2020 14:06

I get that you like the idea of buying them something you pick out yourself...but... you dont know what they already have or what they might be really into.

Nothing worse then people gifting your kids things that the kids dont give 2 hoots. Not nice for the kids and not nice for the giving person. Better going by what mum said tbh. ..however : her suggesting a 70pound gift????? Fuck that. That is CF beyond.

Amerimoon · 05/12/2020 14:07

So you’re annoyed about her choices to buy her own children presents? She told you what she thinks they’ll like - get it or don’t. No need to be so mean about her. She revised the amount when you pointed it out. Do you want to spend £30 or not? If not tell her!

sneakysnoopysniper · 05/12/2020 14:14

Send a £10 gift voucher for each one and tell her you are cutting down.

Floralnomad · 05/12/2020 14:19

If you are going to be spending £30 then just buy what she’s suggested , just because it’s essentially not to your taste doesn’t mean your niece won’t like it / enjoy it , I’m fairly certain she knows more about what her children like than you do .

GreenClock · 05/12/2020 14:24

Your choice of gift could end up in the back of a cupboard or in the charity shop. I’d buy what their mother thinks they’d like. Safer.

BackforGood · 05/12/2020 14:26

What Soubriquet said.

I'm amazed at the number of threads along these lines this year.
Surely we can't be the only family that have an agreement on the rough amount you spend on each other ?

It doesn't matter if you all agree that is under a tenner, around £20 a head or £50 a head - that is for each family to work out, but the rough amount is surely agreed a long time ago, and any 'wish lists' offered should reflect those amounts.

As you don't sound as if you know the nieces that well, then it does make more sense to me to ask what they might like "for around £X", as it is such a waste when people buy things you will neither use nor really like.

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 14:28

I think you should only spend an affordable amount on presents but since you don’t know they well, I’d be very surprised if what you gave them was well received or else not a duplicate of what they already have.

Plonque · 05/12/2020 14:36

Yanbu to refuse to spend whatever amount doesn't suit your predicament, We have a pre-agreed set budget with our nephews .... but she is nbu to give suggestions as to what to buy, IMO.
SIL buys my girls absolutely useless crap if left to her own devices cos she has boys and has no clue what girls want or require. She gets it wrong every year and it's so annoying and a massive waste.

Original poster

Avogato · 05/12/2020 14:48

Thanks, got it! I will just buy what I’m told.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 05/12/2020 14:50

YANBU but if the gift-giving is about wanting to give your nieces something you think they'll enjoy, and you don't know them very well, it does make sense to get some input from someone who does. In our family, we use a wish list and add ideas to it throughout the year so it gives an idea of what different children are into. Both sides of our family use it and as there are 12 children in total, it means no one has to coordinate anything.

Perhaps you could suggest your sister set up an online list with her girls to give you an idea of the books they like reading, toys they have their eyes on etc. If you suggest she include a range of things including those costing £5ish, she might find it easier to understand that you're not necessarily looking to buy a big ticket item but want some freedom to select. Having ideas makes it more likely that what is picked won't be completely random.

emilyfrost · 05/12/2020 14:52

YABU. Their mum knows better than you what they would like, and if you don’t want to spend £70 that’s fine - just ask for a cheaper alternative.

Macncheeseballs · 05/12/2020 16:51

I always buy what I want, and I dont like people asking what me what they should buy, they should just use their imagination!

katy1213 · 05/12/2020 16:54

Very cheeky to send a list if you haven't been asked for suggestions.

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 16:55

@Macncheeseballs

I always buy what I want, and I dont like people asking what me what they should buy, they should just use their imagination!

How do you feel about the fact that what you buy others might not be to their taste and just go straight to the charity shop or in the bin?

PoulePouletteEternellement · 05/12/2020 17:04

It's so difficult, isn't it? Of course one wants to exercise one's own taste and judgement in these things - even more so when there's a prickly relationship with your sibling. But it doesn't sound as if you have an independent relationship with your nieces. (And it sounds as if they're quite small so you won't have built up any shared interests.) So you can't really exercise much informed judgement.

My siblings' children want for nothing in the way of hobby / tech equipment so I usually feel quite sanguine about setting aside any wish lists. Especially so where I'm, independently, quite close to the child in question and feel confident in choosing gifts that reference our shared interests.

luckylavender · 05/12/2020 17:17

Gift vouchers are a terrible idea this year due to the state of the High Street. Best avoided.

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 17:33

@luckylavender

Gift vouchers are a terrible idea this year due to the state of the High Street. Best avoided.

Plenty of safe gift vouchers you can buy whilst avoiding the high street.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/12/2020 17:47

Its insanely rude to send gift lists to people who haven't asked. If you want people to buy off a list then you send a message saying "if you need any ideas for gifts for DC then let me know your budget and I'll send you some ideas" buy them something you think they'll like that doesn't take up alot of space.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 05/12/2020 17:53

Yabu to do more than smile at the text. I am sure you know your dns enough to choose your own gifts.

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