Made to feel bad about my weight, was it deliberate or is it just my issue?

[EllyB157]

I have a FWB who I see every couple of weeks (lockdown permitting) and he's an amateur photographer. He likes to photograph everything and everyone, including me.

I usually humour it but I'm not feeling very comfortable with my weight at the minute and he insisted on still taking photos aswell as me wearing things that aren't flattering for my current body type.

After taking one or two he said "erm yeah that's enough of those" which is unusual as he usually takes plenty.

I'm aware that I've put on some weight, I couldn't say how much as I don't own scales (I used to have an E.D so I avoid weighing myself for the sake of my mental health)

I'm a size 12 now after recovering from a gaunt size 4 a few years ago but as I'm fairly short at 5'3 so I do have some wobbly bits and cellulite (don't most of us?)

I sometimes cycle to work and be remarked that I could "bike to work, use the gym after and then bike home" implying that it would be a good workout. I didn't ask for exercise advice.

After he left he sent me the photos he took of me through WhatsApp and I hate them, they're not flattering at all and I just look fat. I don't know why anybody would think it a good idea to send somebody deliberately unflattering photos of themselves. If I took a terrible photo of him I certainly wouldn't think it a good idea to send to him

That coupled with the other comments has made me wonder whether he was making thinly veiled digs about how I should lose weight.

Do you think that's the case or is it all just my issue?

I'm planning on asking him to delete the photos as it has got my back up and has triggered my E.D

@EllyB157

Yeah I need to can this one, it isn't healthy for me. I think I knew that already but needed somebody to validate my gut feeling. I don't tend to discuss these things with my friends and family. Thank you mumsnet.

Bravo op .

Urgh how awful is he?! He pressured you into taking sexy style shots and did a crap job of it. That’s not what a decent photographer does at all. Sounds like he wanted something for his wank bank rather than to create some lovely images with you.

Honestly, I know you feel like shit but it’d be amazing if you could give him some constructive critique - “oh -photographer friend- those didn’t come out well did they? We’re you having an off day? Looks like you really didn’t judge the lighting and angles well there. Don’t think you can fix it in the edit, maybe you need to brush up on your skills in this style?”

(by the by size 12 is not fat and any half decent photographer can take lovely images of people of all sizes, including bigger than a size 12!)

I think it was bad what he said about the gym but the photos thing I'm not sure about. He was asking you to put on some stuff you weren't comfortable with, it's not clear if you told him you weren't comfortable or not. It sounds like photos are something you normally do. Also it's not clear whether he normally sends you photos after sessions or not.

He could be judging you and trying to do subtle put downs. Or he could realise that you are not very confident about the way you look at the moment and be trying to encourage you and build up your confidence (albeit in a misguided way by taking pictures of you in 'sexy' clothes that he doesnt realise you don't like, and encouraging you to exercise as he doesnt associate it with an ED as he thinks it's all about food but that exercising will make you feel better).

I think it's hard to judge without knowing him and what he is normally like whether he was just a bit thoughtless as we all can be sometimes or whether its something more sinister

Yanbu. FWB still includes the word friend and he should by now understand you better. It was thoughtless, insensitive and unhelpful.

I think you should look for a kinder FWB.

And as for your weight, it is perfectly normal to put on a few extra pounds in the autumn. It's nature's way of keeping you warm. When spring comes you can go out and exercise all you want. I do it every year. xx

Well done OP for your decision. You sound like a lovely woman who’s been through some shit. You deserve better than this guy making you feel shitty. Your body has grown and given birth to children. You’re fucking awesome and I bet you look sexy af.

I'm not voting YABU or YANBU. Because this is a hard one to call, in terms of whether the photos look good etc or it was wrong to send them to you. But I definitely think you are not being unreasonable to be angry about him insisting on taking them.

However, I think, at size 12 you are not fat so you may well still have some issues. (I had an eating disorder too).

However, this man is bad news. If FWB is what you want fine, if not, get out and even if it is what you want, here's the bit that worries me most...he insisted

"I usually humour it but I'm not feeling very comfortable with my weight at the minute and he insisted on still taking photos aswell as me wearing things that aren't flattering for my current body type."

That sounds a bit coercive. He sounds not nice.

Whether it was wrong to send you the photos does really depend on whether or not they look good. I am afraid that you may not be the best judge of that. But if you find them upsetting you are right to ask him to delete them.

Get some professional help. You are worth much more than this.

FWB arrangements are supposed to be easy and joyful. It shouldn't be this hard. You're not a doll to dress for his gratification, nor are you actually a free model for him to practise on ffs.

But all that doesn't matter. What matters is that the way he behaves is pushing you back towards your ED and you must preserve your health. That means you must bin him off. Think of it this way: if he had permanent Covid (bear with me) then you'd never see him again because he could infect you. This is exactly the same. The way he behaves isn't healthy for you and so you need to end this and protect yourself.

Thank you all for echoing my gut feeling (even if some of you didn't think he was making veiled digs, you have helped me realise that it's not a healthy relationship in the first place if I don't feel able to assert boundaries)

I have a sizable about of trauma in my past and he knows about alot of it, so with that in mind he shouldn't be putting me in degrading positions to begin with.

The sex itself can be quite degrading but polarizing at the same time, I say that because when we're not in the bedroom he's keen to impress on me the fact that he really cares about me and how we're such good friends. It's like two different people if you know what I mean.

It makes for cognitive dissonance.

Please do follow your gut and cut ties with this man. He is facilitating a form of self harm - you are engaging in behaviour you know makes you feel powerless and upset, because you feel unable to say no due to feeling powerless and upset.

It's such an awful cycle to be stuck in and he is facilitating it, whether knowingly or not.

You need to cut ties with him and focus on yourself for a while - do things that make you happy, wear clothes that make you comfortable, don't have the pressure of pictures being taken etc.

He's bringing a lot of extra stress to the plate that you really don't need

There's a certain kind of man that likes exploiting vulnerabilities and previous trauma.

Honestly, you need to be very careful about sharing your past trauma with partners, and I would only do it in serious long-term relationships. A lot of people seem to think that it's good to let new partners know why you might have issues around certain things so they can tread more carefully, but it quite often backfires, especially when our boundaries are already off so we find ourselves more likely to end up with wrong uns.

He is facilitating a form of self harm - you are engaging in behaviour you know makes you feel powerless and upset, because you feel unable to say no due to feeling powerless and upset.

You have hit the nail on the head.

There was sexual abuse in a past relationship and some of the sex I have with this man triggers that trauma. I'm facilitating my own self harm. He has by no means ever forced himself onto me and everything has always been consensual, but I don't actually like being degraded and I don't actually like having photos taken of me.

I would post a photo of something he brought for me to wear but knowing MN as i do (long standing poster but I've name changed) I would probably have some come along and accuse me of trolling.

The more I admit to on here the more fucking bonkers I feel for even going along with any of it in the first place.

Counselling about this specific issue, around boundaries, sex and male/female dynamics could be life changing for you OP. I've had some similar issues and it's been life changing for me. I have healthy boundaries and absolutely no problem saying nope that's not for me thanks, in any situation. I never thought I'd get to that stage.

If trauma has played a part in your problems then I can't recommend trying EMDR enough. I was hugely sceptical and thought it sounded a bit bullshitty, but it has honestly taken the sting out of trauma memories to the point that when they are triggered I feel sad about what happened to me but I don't spiral from it. I can sit with it for a minute, experience that sadness for a minute and then move on without it ruining my day.

You sound absolutely lovely. And like me you actually sound painfully self aware which is a gift and a curse as you know you're hurting yourself and why, but it feels like you can't control it. A good counsellor will help you build a toolkit of strategies to control it.

Sending you so much love, you'll be so proud when you cut ties with this man. He (and any man who enjoys the dynamic you are in with him) is the equivalent of someone passing a cutter the razor. My counsellor said that about my ex and it stuck with me.

Thank you so much youvegotten, for your kind words and advice.

I'm a big believer in EMDR having had it myself around 18 months ago, unfortunately to my detriment I didn't disclose the full extent of my trauma and chose to only work on three particular things. I have CPTSD stemming from a lifetime of shit from various points in my life.

I'm going to make it my mission to revisit therapy with a view to focussing on my issues surrounding men/boundaries in particular. I would love to get to the stage that you're at and it's lovely to hear from somebody who gets it - and hear them say it's changeable.

I've decided I will definitely be cutting ties now and will concentrate on my healing. I've spent alot of time deep in thought today after posting as writing it all down and hearing from you all on here has forced me to see it for what it is, toxic and unhealthy.

I don't actually like being degraded and I don't actually like having photos taken of me.

So proud of you for being able to articulate this OP, I know it is really hard. You don't have to be degraded, you don't have to have photos taken of you, all you have to do is what's right for you.

I'm not familiar with the therapy you're talking about but may I suggest the freedom programme as a shorter-term thing you can do? It's online and it's only around a tenner. It will help with the boundaries which you need while you work on the deeper issues.

I did the freedom program a couple of years ago so my metaphorical shark cage should be water tight. I think it would be a good idea to re familiarise with it because I clearly didn't take it in enough.

Because my boundaries and self esteem are so skewed I'm malleable to men like this. I've allowed myself to be humiliated and degraded by telling myself "It's just sex, he doesn't really think those things when he's calling me a slut (etc) when we DTD, it's just bedroom talk"

Truth be told I hate it.

Further to that, any decent man wouldn't say those things in the first place would they? It's dehumanizing.

The confusing thing about all of this is as soon as it's over he's all "aww you're a wonderful person, such a lovely woman, such a great friend" and he turns into a gentleman.

I feel really proud of you OP, you've identified a problem (the self harm cycle) and likely root cause (previous trauma) - made a decision to cut off the trigger (that man) and a decision to work on fixing it. I'd say that's a pretty bloody impressive few hours work - well done you

I found the freedom programme useful in a sense but unfortunately the only thing that really got under the skin of my problem was difficult and hard going counselling. But it was absolutely worth it. Similar to you, I had a longish round of counselling that helped somewhat but didn't disclose the full details of my attack as I simply wasn't ready. It seems now you may be ready to, which is brilliant news.

And if you ever want to PM I'm here

I’ve had a FWB and the key was friendship in that it was clear he liked the conversation and company as much as the ‘benefits’. It was caring and respectful and with no pressure to do anything that felt uncomfortable. That’s how it should be: fun with a kind person who gets you and where there’s no pressure. It sounds as if your arrangement with this chap may have run its course. It must have been obvious that what you needed right then was a hug and reassurance that you’re great, not objectifying with his fantasies of how he wants to view you.

If you no longer have flashbacks or any other reason to repeat EMDR (and it’s quite possible to have it on-line) then some therapy with someone who understands relational trauma could be really helpful.

You sound brilliant and so does your body - which has made two whole human beings, pretty bloody amazing!

I think you are self conscious about your weight but I think you need to get rid of him. Anyone who pressurises you into something you dont want to do needs to go.

About your weight, at a size 12 I'm fairly sure you dont look fat at all. But ditch him

Yes, I think the comments about " ... I could "bike to work, use the gym after and then bike home" implying that it would be a good workout. I didn't ask for exercise advice." were digs and unkind.

That's not bedroom talk OP. That's someone who's been addled by porn and just wants something to wank into, not someone to enjoy mutually enjoyable sex with. Definitely get rid.

Just forgetting the ED for a minute, it isn't OK that you are in the kind of place where someone can make you do something intimate you feel uncomfortable with. I think you will be better off giving up the sex (and this "friend") and investing in zoom therapy so that you treat yourself better and never let alone coerce you again.

Oh you lot are very kind, thank you for giving me a place to sound this out today. I wasn't expecting such replies (being AIBU too!) and the kind words mean alot.

I'm definitely done with it as of today, no idea what I'm going to say to him but I won't be changing my mind.

I've been quite anxious today and I think that's because I've finally seen it for what it is (with the help from you guys) I've been suppressing my gut feeling months. I half didn't want to see him the other day but pushed on as I thought I'd change my mind after dinner and drinks and have a great evening. I should have listened to my gut then.

The priority for next week is seeking therapy