Made to feel bad about my weight, was it deliberate or is it just my issue?

[EllyB157]

I have a FWB who I see every couple of weeks (lockdown permitting) and he's an amateur photographer. He likes to photograph everything and everyone, including me.

I usually humour it but I'm not feeling very comfortable with my weight at the minute and he insisted on still taking photos aswell as me wearing things that aren't flattering for my current body type.

After taking one or two he said "erm yeah that's enough of those" which is unusual as he usually takes plenty.

I'm aware that I've put on some weight, I couldn't say how much as I don't own scales (I used to have an E.D so I avoid weighing myself for the sake of my mental health)

I'm a size 12 now after recovering from a gaunt size 4 a few years ago but as I'm fairly short at 5'3 so I do have some wobbly bits and cellulite (don't most of us?)

I sometimes cycle to work and be remarked that I could "bike to work, use the gym after and then bike home" implying that it would be a good workout. I didn't ask for exercise advice.

After he left he sent me the photos he took of me through WhatsApp and I hate them, they're not flattering at all and I just look fat. I don't know why anybody would think it a good idea to send somebody deliberately unflattering photos of themselves. If I took a terrible photo of him I certainly wouldn't think it a good idea to send to him

That coupled with the other comments has made me wonder whether he was making thinly veiled digs about how I should lose weight.

Do you think that's the case or is it all just my issue?

I'm planning on asking him to delete the photos as it has got my back up and has triggered my E.D

I agree with everyone completely - he's not good for you, and pressuring you into photos was awful.

However, I also think you're back in your ED as you say and you're seeing "fat" where other people probably wouldn't. No judgement at all, and not a defence of him and his pressuring ways, but you possibly aren't seeing the photos the way someone else would. Did you have support getting through the last wave, and can you get in touch again?

It's entirely possible I'm reading too much into it, I did consider that with posting.

What I have taken from this though is whilst he may not have intended to cause any offence at all, the situation is triggering for my MH so is probably not a healthy arrangement to have.

I'm a mother of young children and pregnancy does take it's toll on a woman's body.
please please can we stop with these ridiculous statements determined to put women down!

It's ok to accept your body and ok to be fine with change. That's not the point. It's ok to chose your priorities.

Let's stop pretending that women are victims and that child bearing is a curse that must wreck our bodies!

And before some idiot jump on me, that ALSO refer to vaginal tear and other complication. NO, they are not something we have to "put up with".

I have plenty of RL support yes, I will tap into that if I feel myself spiralling.

If I was able to post the photos here then I'm confident that people would see where I'm coming from, the angles were unflattering / cellulite on show / double chin.

I also never, ever wear short skirts - anywhere. I know they aren't flattering for me so I don't wear them. Period.

That is what he wanted to photograph me in so I was uncomfortable from the get go. I could have (and should have) said no but I knew he'd insist I look lovely and have no need to be insecure etc. I didn't want to get into it with him so I just went along with it.

I usually humour it but I'm not feeling very comfortable with my weight at the minute and he insisted on still taking photos aswell as me wearing things that aren't flattering for my current body type.

This alone op. You didnt want to feel vulnerable. He insisted. Who is actually benefitting?

Let's stop pretending that women are victims and that child bearing is a curse that must wreck our bodies!

Not to be obtuse (because I do see your POV) but having children has wrecked my body - personally. I have stretch marks galore, separated stomach muscles, loose skin that I can't get rid of and a prolapse that restricts my ability to do certain exercises that would help the other stuff.

I don't feel like an attractive young woman in her mid 20's, two pregnancies in two years has ravaged me

I'd get rid of him.

1. You're posing for pictures but not really happy about it,
2. you're dressing up for him but not enjoying it,
3. he's making you feel bad about yourself, accidentally or not
4. and he has (possibly deliberately) triggered your ED.

All these things add up to something that is not adding to your life, but is making it worse.

Costs v benefits says he should go.

Love, He is not your friend and there are no benefits to you, in continueing seeing him and letting him erode your self confidence.
Run away from him as fast as your legs will carry you.

"Negging" was the word that sprang to mind for me too (as a previous poster said). It does give the impression that he might be deliberately attacking your confidence, as well as being rather controlling (insisting you posed in clothing you didn't want to). I would think very hard if there have been any other instances of controlling or put-down behaviour, and whether this is really a good relationship.

I think there is a power imbalance, whether recognised on his part or not.

My issue with boundaries is a problem and compounds anything else because I should have just said "no I don't want to wear that and i don't want you to take photographs"

I'm not familiar with the term negging but I'll look it up.

Easy way of getting rid of pointless extra ballast is to bin the bastard.

This isn’t good for you. Even if he met nothing by the weight comments and you’ve read into them because you’re self conscious. Even if he loves those photos and generally doesn’t see what you see when you look at them.

You’re letting him walk all over your boundaries and that’s not a healthy place to be, so this stops now. It has to.

@NoPainNoTartine

I'm a mother of young children and pregnancy does take it's toll on a woman's body. please please can we stop with these ridiculous statements determined to put women down!

It's ok to accept your body and ok to be fine with change. That's not the point. It's ok to chose your priorities.

Let's stop pretending that women are victims and that child bearing is a curse that must wreck our bodies!

And before some idiot jump on me, that ALSO refer to vaginal tear and other complication. NO, they are not something we have to "put up with".

If your point is that pregnancy doesn't have to change a woman's body then you are wrong. And to jump on what the OP said about her own body and dispute her own judgement shows that you are the idiot. Child bearing does change things and to insist that everyone just accept it is invalidating tbh.

Or are you saying that we look to fix those problems and get back to good as new? Are you a man? What are you saying exactly?

If I were able to assert myself and put down boundaries when I'm uncomfortable then I wouldn't find myself in situations such as this.

I knew I didn't like the way I looked when I was getting changed in the bathroom and knew I didn't want him to take pictures, but I didn't say anything because i didn't want to deal with him being visibly disappointed and nor did I want to get into the "why" I didn't want to do it either.

I think I need to do alot of work on boundaries regardless

I have no chance of restoring my body back to pre birth condition, i don't have the money and money is the only thing the thing that'll do that

@EllyB157

If I were able to assert myself and put down boundaries when I'm uncomfortable then I wouldn't find myself in situations such as this.

I knew I didn't like the way I looked when I was getting changed in the bathroom and knew I didn't want him to take pictures, but I didn't say anything because i didn't want to deal with him being visibly disappointed and nor did I want to get into the "why" I didn't want to do it either.

I think I need to do alot of work on boundaries regardless

Yes, you do.

Your best bet is to end things with him and start working on your boundaries and self-esteem before you date or start any sort of relationship again. It's really hard to reset boundaries within a relationship where there's already an imbalanced dynamic, better to get yourself match-fit before you date again.

He's not your friend...
And i certainly wouldn't be having sex with the creepy little bastard.

Yeah I need to can this one, it isn't healthy for me. I think I knew that already but needed somebody to validate my gut feeling. I don't tend to discuss these things with my friends and family. Thank you mumsnet.

@HopeAndDriftWood

This isn’t good for you. Even if he met nothing by the weight comments and you’ve read into them because you’re self conscious. Even if he loves those photos and generally doesn’t see what you see when you look at them.

You’re letting him walk all over your boundaries and that’s not a healthy place to be, so this stops now. It has to.

^ Totally this X 1000!

And I'm probably going too far saying this, but I think just from my own observation of people I know in rl, that women have to be quite careful entering FWB relationships imho, as apart from a few exceptions, they quite often in reality end up solely benefiting the bloke! At the very least, I think you need to be capable of asserting yourself quite strongly and laying down firm boundaries before entering in to one.

I think your sensitivities around weight are blurring the issue here and have made you more susceptible to poor treatment. No one would be "insisting" on taking pictures of me, whatever I was wearing, if I was skinny as a rake or the size of a galleon, if I wasn't fully on board with it. I don't know if this bloke is a proper photographer or not, but it sounds to me like he is using his camera to humiliate and control. Don't give him that power op. You deserve so much better

I think you should make unveiled digs about him fucking off somewhere else.

He has no right to make uninvited comments about your body. That's where the conversation ends.

He's not a friend and the benefits of having anything to do with him seem weak.

Ditch him

@EllyB157

I have no chance of restoring my body back to pre birth condition, i don't have the money and money is the only thing the thing that'll do that

Op have you seen the results when Hollywood actors who have all the resources in the world go down this route? They end up looking wierd and freaky.

Your body has done marvellous things producing DC, and just to have a healthy functioning body is an amazing thing. You body sounds great and as you say, all of us have wobbly bits! Please try and feel happy about it!

First, our internal character and our actions are far more important than our external looks, and second, there will come a day in the future when you are much older, and you will look back at photos of yourself and say "crikey I was quite attractive then, I wish I had enjoyed myself more and not worried about my looks so much". Honestly, seize the day. It's a cliché but you only get one chance at life and it goes in a flash. Try to give yourself the best shot by embracing yourself flaws and all!

I think I would message back that I think this reflects more on the photographer as isn't it their job to find the more flattering shots. A 12 at 5 ft 3 - same as me and I am a 20/22 so yes v overweight but even I would tell him to fuck off I don't need it ramming into my line of sight by those I love or supposedly love me. Happy peple loose weight not unhappy and vice versa. Size 12 is healthy.

So many red flags but I think you need to work on yourself first.
You knew you were feeling uncomfortable yet why did you go ahead? He insisted you take the photos, but then so what he can insist but then you should have said no.
He sounds like he was definitely making some digs, so you again have the choice here about what to do. Dump him and take the time to figure out what your boundaries are.