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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asked to come in to see teacher and SEN- so worried...

30 replies

Fruitbatdancer · 04/12/2020 23:45

Can someone talk me back from the ledge?
DS 6, history of glue ear (now resolved) and sight issues (now has glasses- how did we not know till school check he was practically blind??) this led to language delay, and he’s summer born, he’s behind at school, we knew this. We struggle to get his attention for homework, so hired a tutor on a Saturday morning ($$$) and he just sits and works with her perfectly and he loves it. Writes sentences with guidance but handwriting pretty poor and not cursive.
He’s quite quite and shy, but we’ll behaved, I think he’s daunted by school, was never ready for reception, and isn’t as confident there (he’s super confident at home, for example well go out for meal he’ll hold court at table telling stories, making us laugh, great sense of humour)
Anyway,.. it was their phonics test last week (late coz you know, covid) and we knew he might not pass, despite extra help with phonics, and his reading coming on but only just on yellow books...
Anyhow email from school, teacher asked us to come in Monday? To see him and SEN (was previously under Sen for language delay). How worried should I be? What will they say? I feel immediately defensive and terrified, have I let him down? Will they throw him out of school? Will they say He’ll never catch up? I’m now thinking I never should have gone back to work, and covid is awful I’m a key worker, so terrible as no time to home school and DH is shit at it. I just feel like I’ve let him down, I’m so worried what they’ll say? What happens if you fail phonics SAT?
Email said ‘he’s significantly behind, they want to discuss progress and attainment, and make sure we’re on same page”
Help! I’m tired and emotional after a long week, anyone had something similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 04/12/2020 23:46

To add I think I’m also freaked out they’ve asked us in during covid? And not on phone or zoom (how parents evening was?) it must be bad mushy it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 04/12/2020 23:47

Also, should I ask them what they are doing? I feel like we’re doing lots at home but don’t see what they are doing?

OP posts:
Mycircusmymonkey · 04/12/2020 23:52

Try not to go in feeling defensive it’s not a personal attack against your parenting or your child. It’s actually really positive that they are looking more closely at what’s going on. They’re not going to kick him out of school!
Ask them how they are supporting him currently and ask what else they plan to put in place.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 04/12/2020 23:54

I know it’s easy to say but please don’t worry.
Look at it positively, you know there were some concerns and school seems to recognise this. If they are inviting you in it shows they are taking things seriously and parents of children with Sen on here will know that that is a good start.
If he does get a diagnosis he will get extra help which may well carry on in some form through his schooling and can help him get extra time in exams etc.

QueenOfTheDoubleWide · 04/12/2020 23:55

Could you ask for an assessment by an educational psychologist. That would give you an impartial assessment to work from

Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 04/12/2020 23:55

@Mycircusmymonkey thank you, I know you are right, I just feel like I’m a terrible mother. And the SEN teacher was his reception teacher who I didn’t really gel with, she told me she thought it was odd he didn’t stop and take his jumper off when hot and kept playing, I was like he’s 4!! But then I don’t know if I look for excuses...

OP posts:
Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 04/12/2020 23:57

What do educational psychologists look for?

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HPD76 · 04/12/2020 23:59

I didn’t want to read and run. My son is now 10 and has a very similar sounding story to you. I wanted to reassure you that he’s not going to be kicked out, you can’t fail a SAT, you can only do not very well, and it’s more an assessment if the school and their teaching than the child. I try and ignore the results of these things and I’ve given up taking part in any comparing of kids in his class. Also he’s six and he has a lot of time to catch up.

Since nursery there have been concerns about my boy. He now has an EHCP and approx 20 hours a week of extra support, we did the private tutor thing too, which helped a bit. They probably just want to discuss where things are with him and probably will start talking to you about getting an EHCP for him, it took around two years for us to get one sorted, it’s a long process but the sooner it’s in place, the sooner your lad can start getting the tailored support he needs.

Good luck and please try not to stress too much, my son has significant difficulties, but he is happy and healthy and will eventually find his way in life, as will your boy xx

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/12/2020 00:01

It is scary so Flowers for you. But actually it sounds as if the teacher has picked up on what you already know - that he's a bit behind with some of his learning. He didn't pass the phonics which you expected though he's had extra help at home from his tutor, and now the teacher has the test result as evidence maybe she wants to get him some extra help in school too. She might be thinking about putting some longer term support in place for him, and she might want to arrange for some more assessments to get a better picture of what would help him most.

Do tell the teacher what you've been doing at home, and yes ask what they are doing with him in school though they may not have much in place yet. Maybe she will offer to put him on the list to see the educational psychologist, time with the ed psych is usually very much in demand so if he gets a chance then take it up.

It sounds as if the teacher is on the ball and despite Covid is keen to do the right thing for your DS. Anyway he's got you in his corner, you are there for him and making sure he gets the help he needs.

Stellaroses · 05/12/2020 00:03

They want to work with you to support him. It sounds like you are a caring parent who has already noticed some of the things he needs extra help with, so you have nothing to worry about. Go in prepared to hear their perspective, work with them and try not to be defensive.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 05/12/2020 00:03

He is who he is and you love him. School are doing the right thing here. If he is behind or not coping then they're picking it up and coming to you to work out what to do next.
Getting the right support in place early is so important. They aren't (and can't) throwing him out.

Claireshh · 05/12/2020 00:03

My son had glue ear, was having real trouble with his writing and lost a grandparent at 6. He was struggling, school didn’t have the time to help him. We moved him to a private school in the middle of Yr 3. He is now yr 5. His reading/ comprehension is great. His writing is so much better, loves maths and his written work is good. He was born at the end of May so also young for the year.

My advice would be to ask what they are going to do to help. Specific things for improving phonics gaps, writing exercises, keep up with the tutor. Make sure maths building blocks are solid (number bonds). We were advised that the piano/harp or guitar would help with his finger strength. This really did help. Read his school book with him every night. Don’t worry, he can absolutely catch up. Xxx

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 05/12/2020 00:07

Phonics check often means they need to do extra work with the child, that's all.
Ed Psych was great with dd who has autism. Really got to grips with her, listened to her and then me and told the SENCO what to do.

Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 05/12/2020 00:07

Thank you. I am 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Hohomerryxmas · 05/12/2020 00:15

Both my DC have SEN and been under SALT for speech delay, DS2 still requires one to one care. I have regular meetings at the school for DS2, usually consist of me, somenone from SALT, his class teacher, his 121 teacher, an educational psychologist and the SENCO. They've asked you to come in so they can discuss how best to help your DC. They're not gonna make any decisions without your consent and they value your opinion. I know how upsetting it can be but try not to worry

user1473878824 · 05/12/2020 00:16

I have no experience or advice, sorry, I just wanted to say your son sounds lovely!

winetime89 · 05/12/2020 00:19

I'd see it as a positive. my son is 7 and in year 3 (summer born) and he is very behind, he has all the traits of dyslexia, unfortunately school don't seem to care. I'm lucky if he brings a reading book home each week never mind there meant to read at least three times a week. I've mentioned dyslexia in every parents evening since year one and it just draws blank faces. It's meant to be a good school too.
Definitely work with them on what they have to offer to help they sound like good teachers and your son sounds like a lovely little boy.

KatherineOfGaunt · 05/12/2020 00:20

I just want to say that nothing bad will happen if he had failed the phonics screening. It's to measure how well schools are doing. It will just mean he will continue to have phonics in a small group, probably, with others, until he has caught up. But very normal, so don't worry!

The school have a duty to tell you what they're putting in place to help your son. That's what the meeting with the SENCo will be about. They will want to reassure you they're doing everything they can for him.

Please don't worry, these meetings are very common in schools for those children who need additional support.

Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 05/12/2020 00:25

Thank you @winetime89 I needed to hear that! Your right of course, I’d probably be pushing if they weren’t, it’s good that they want to talk, I do feel they push for ‘what more can you do at home’ a bit too much. I also think my head is stuck how it was for me at school! 30 kids one teacher , no teaching assistants/ extra help SEN like now, so seems alien and scary. I think I have severe mum guilt too, my husband is quite a bit older and blames his swimmers being aged which doesn’t help with guilt! (And I know is likely nothing to do with it!)
I also wonder wether we should try to get money for private school, but then worry they’d pick on him there for not being as able. If he could only read the question sheets, it’s like the smarts are in his head but he can’t put it on paper.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 05/12/2020 00:34

If I tell you my son didn't learn to read until he was 9 and has never mastered cursive but is in full employment... does that help any?

My DS2 had significant delays in all areas.. had an EHCP and went to special school. Picked up early.. as your son is being is GREAT ..it means he's not going under the radar and is much more likely to have support. My other children were academically able and we did nothing different... he just had different needs.
But with support he made amazing progress and has a full time job now. Nope he never got gcses and writes like a 6 year old.. but it's readable, he can read anything, his maths is adequate for daily life...

What I'm saying is.. be positive, be pleased they are looking at how they can help, and 'catching up' is relative.. my eldest is a doctor now, very bright but has had huge MH problems.. whereas my 'learning disabled' son is happy, works, enjoys life....

Itmaybeus · 05/12/2020 00:36

I would see this a positive as the school are asking to see you they want to help. I have a child with asd and dyslexia, dc was failing at everything at 6. With lots of interventions from school and home he's exceeded all expectations and passed all his gcses and has gone on to study level 3 at college.
You need to ask what they are doing, how you can work with him at home and what outside help/assessments the school provides.
Remember that he can learn in other ways too (not just sat at a desk) my dc is a visual learner, reading puts him off however he can pick up lots from pictures /films. He learnt his gcse English texts by reading comic strips of the stories and watching the films and also making songs up. Worth working out how he best learns.

Original poster
Fruitbatdancer · 08/12/2020 19:32

I hate when people don’t come back! So here it is, general jist is that yes he’s behind, and about 12-18 months behind. They want to do an Ed psych assessment, suspect dyslexia from some informal tests they’ve done, (he’s on target for most thing on COP test) and the message is the school have no funds so they want us to pay for it... they have budget for 5 assessments a year, and he’s not in bottom 5 so won’t get it, but they think will benefit, and if we need an EHCP will support that, so basically didn’t want to ask us for £££ over zoom.
Not sure how I feel. I’d give a kidney right so we’ll find the money. But should we have to? I guess that a whole other topic....

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Mycircusmymonkey · 08/12/2020 20:23

I’m a bit shocked that school have outright asked you to pay. I’d seek some further advice before agreeing. Google IPSEA and go from there.

winetime89 · 08/12/2020 20:49

same with my son I have to pay for the dyslexia test it's so unfair that we have to do this. a dyslexia test is around 500 pound. If you get in touch to a local one to you I found they are very helpful and give a lot of advice over the phone with ideas how to help before you've even booked a test. not sure where your from but I plan to use White Rose Dyslexia which is in Yorkshire.
school have never said but I think my son is probably around 18 months behind too, he has spellings meant for year one which we practise 4 times a week but he still struggles a lot with these.
if you have Facebook search dyslexia and there are lots of groups to join that are helpful. also one of the biggest issues with being dyslexic is losing confidence in themselves, in school they will notice they are not understanding work that other children understand, they pick this up more if they can see how anxious we are about it ( something I am guilty of), so get him involved in lots of activities outside school where he can excel.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/12/2020 23:12

Where my friend lives you have to go private to get a dyslexia assessment. Schools don't do it at all. So this sounds like a middle ground.