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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH day off

36 replies

BarbiesWorld · 04/12/2020 09:59

In September as a family we decided it would be best for me to retrain at Uni. Unfortunately we get no help with childcare and can only afford 2 days at nursery. I have 4 days of classes.

DH has had his hours at work changed so that he no gets Fridays off. The agreement was that he would do the school run on Friday and watch 10 month old DS for me while I have class.

Once again, he has left DS with me while I'm in class. This time it's to get a haircut.

WIBU to snap at him that the hairdresser will be open all day and I just need him to have the baby for a couple of hours? He's gone, leaving me with the baby, but is in a foul mood with me and stomped out like I was being the biggest bitch known to mankind.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 04/12/2020 10:05

If the baby is his, he's not watching the baby 'for you' he's looking after his child, which he should expect to have to do routinely as part of being a parent.

Surely he doesn't think having his haircut takes a higher priority than looking after his children?

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 04/12/2020 10:07

@BarbaraofSeville that's how he phrases it, he'll "watch the kids" for me. Both his. He very much sees the kids and house as being my jobs.

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 04/12/2020 10:09

This isn't going to work out unless he pulls his weight. When you say 'we' decided, does that mean 'he'? Or does he resent you going to university? Your study has to be treated as if it's a paid job otherwise you won't be able to do it.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/12/2020 10:12

Why can’t he take baby with him?

His attitude stinks but you already know that

Can you remind him that it was a family decision that you study and it’s in the families interest that you complete the course as quickly as possible so can’t afford to fail subjects. Point out you are doing your part and he needs to do his

And storming off in a sulk is extremely unsexy

HugeAckmansWife · 04/12/2020 10:13

Bloody hell. He needs telling pdq that he is not watching his child 'for you'. The clue is in the 'his child' bit. The day off is the day off paid employment to be part of a parenting team. I would be absolutely raging and telling him in no uncertain terms that either his mindset changes or he can have unfettered access to child 50% of every week.

PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 10:15

[quote BarbiesWorld]@BarbaraofSeville that's how he phrases it, he'll "watch the kids" for me. Both his. He very much sees the kids and house as being my jobs.[/quote]

Why did you decide to co-parent with a man who holds this attitude?

Complaining after the fact seems pointless.

TheDowagerDuchess · 04/12/2020 10:15

Agree with the pps saying it’s not “for you”

On Fridays, the baby is his job not yours. Your job that day is studying. That’s the way he has to look at it.

PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 10:15

And why is he going out for haircuts during Covid?

Soubriquet · 04/12/2020 10:21

Yanbu...looks like he’s using every excuse manageable so he doesn’t have to do it

HugeAckmansWife · 04/12/2020 10:23

Oh ffs Parveen, even in Tier 3 barbers are open. It's not the point.

Grobagsforever · 04/12/2020 10:30

Yeah he's being dick. Is he generally selfish or just lazy with childcare?

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 04/12/2020 10:59

@PerveenMistry

And why is he going out for haircuts during Covid?
i assume because hairdressers and barbers are open now and it's permitted to get a haircut.
greenspacesoverthere · 04/12/2020 11:07

Selfish self centred dick. But as PP said - you know this. How do you plan on getting things changed?

PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 11:18

@HugeAckmansWife

Oh ffs Parveen, even in Tier 3 barbers are open. It's not the point.
Just because they're open doesn't make it essential. Every point of contact increases risk of spread.

Look how well being "open" is working so far. Hmm

HugeAckmansWife · 04/12/2020 12:09

It's completely irrelevant to raise it in this thread, is the point. Feel free to start one about what we should or shouldn't be doing in Covid times, but that's not the point.

relievedlady · 04/12/2020 12:11

Far safer in a salon than wondering around a friggin supermarket chain store thoughHmm

relievedlady · 04/12/2020 12:12

He wouldn't be able to take the baby with him because of restrictions within barbers and salons right now.

Soubriquet · 04/12/2020 12:13

@relievedlady

He wouldn't be able to take the baby with him because of restrictions within barbers and salons right now.
But he could have gone later on instead of when the OP needed to do her lessons
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2020 12:18

He’s a dick and wants you to fail.

How was it going to work before his hours changed?

He seems to think Fridays are now for him to do what he wants not what’s best for the whole family.

It was always going to be risky taking on a degree when the other parent considers all of the housework and childcare your responsibility. Did you think he’d change and be less selfish?

waitingforadulthood · 04/12/2020 12:30

How long will you be studying op? As it's only been three months and this isn't working. Your husband is not willing to pull his weight, and something will eventually give if you're having to juggle it all.

Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 04/12/2020 12:31

@Annielovesgilbert I know it was risky but he was very much on board and agreed to take on his share of childcare when not at work so I could put my hours in. It hasn't worked like that unfortunately. I think in his head because I'm at home, I'm literally just at home sat on my arse and doing bits of housework..

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 04/12/2020 12:34

Thank you for all of your replies by the way everyone. I couldn't work out if I was overreacting or not.

I've had 2 tests so far and got 90% and 94% so I'm doing ok but am aware that I've got written assignments due and the first year is always easier.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbiesWorld · 04/12/2020 12:38

@waitingforadulthood it's three years with an optional year in industry. That's my worry to be honest - it's completely unsustainable and I've got so much longer ahead. I'm scared what will give. My marriage? Uni? My mental health?

Every time I approach it with him he's lovely for a couple of days, giving me lots of attention but no practical help. I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm saying.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 04/12/2020 12:43

Those 4 days of classes need to be treated as if you were working. So the kids are in childcare for 2 days/wk, and you both together need to work out how the two of you cover the other 2 days of childcare.

Out of interest, what happens on the other day of the week that you're studying and don't have childcare? Do you look after the kids as well? That might be the problem - he figures since you do it 1 day/wk, there's no problem doing it on Fridays too.

relievedlady · 04/12/2020 12:46

Totally agree with the poster saying why could t he wait till later or the weekend to get his hair cut.

Wasn't defending him when I said he wouldn't be able to take the baby with him due to restrictions at all.

For what it's worth I also think he's being a dick.

I'd be rocking up at his work when he's in next and dropping the baby off while you go for a hair cut op.

If that doesn't make him realise he's being a dick and saying what your doing isn't as important as his work or his needs that's your answer