DH day off

[BarbiesWorld]

In September as a family we decided it would be best for me to retrain at Uni. Unfortunately we get no help with childcare and can only afford 2 days at nursery. I have 4 days of classes.

DH has had his hours at work changed so that he no gets Fridays off. The agreement was that he would do the school run on Friday and watch 10 month old DS for me while I have class.

Once again, he has left DS with me while I'm in class. This time it's to get a haircut.

WIBU to snap at him that the hairdresser will be open all day and I just need him to have the baby for a couple of hours? He's gone, leaving me with the baby, but is in a foul mood with me and stomped out like I was being the biggest bitch known to mankind.

I think in his head because I'm at home, I'm literally just at home sat on my arse and doing bits of housework.

IME this is such a common misconception. Also that 'studying isn't really working' (it bloody is).

Have you had a chat to your supervisors about the number of hours you should be working? Obviously it's a guide, but maybe take that number to him and point out you won't get the degree if you can't study for the appropriate amount of time.

It might also be helpful to find other student parents/academics with children to talk to, so they can help you strategise this. I don't mean you should work around his problems, but you might find talking to other people in the same boat gives you ways to explain to him what the demands on your time are.

I teach at university and this situation would be really ringing alarm bells for me.

In the short term, can you talk to him very directly about his perspective? If he uses that phrase 'watch the kids for you,' can you ask him how he would feel if you automatically saw your work time as protected time, and expected him to have to come and ask you to 'watch the kids for him'?

He does understand what you are saying to him when you ask him to pull his weight and parent his own children, he’s just choosing not to do it because he doesn’t want to.

[quote BarbiesWorld]@waitingforadulthood it's three years with an optional year in industry. That's my worry to be honest - it's completely unsustainable and I've got so much longer ahead. I'm scared what will give. My marriage? Uni? My mental health?

Every time I approach it with him he's lovely for a couple of days, giving me lots of attention but no practical help. I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm saying.[/quote]
If your marriage suffers it wil be you DHs fault for not pulling his weight, not yours. After reading your posts I think it's extra important for you to get your degree

@SarahAndQuack

I think in his head because I'm at home, I'm literally just at home sat on my arse and doing bits of housework.

IME this is such a common misconception. Also that 'studying isn't really working' (it bloody is).

Have you had a chat to your supervisors about the number of hours you should be working? Obviously it's a guide, but maybe take that number to him and point out you won't get the degree if you can't study for the appropriate amount of time.

It might also be helpful to find other student parents/academics with children to talk to, so they can help you strategise this. I don't mean you should work around his problems, but you might find talking to other people in the same boat gives you ways to explain to him what the demands on your time are.

I teach at university and this situation would be really ringing alarm bells for me.

In the short term, can you talk to him very directly about his perspective? If he uses that phrase 'watch the kids for you,' can you ask him how he would feel if you automatically saw your work time as protected time, and expected him to have to come and ask you to 'watch the kids for him'?

Thank you. I've spoken to them and they've been amazing in terms of understanding I'll have the baby online with me and offering advice. I'm expected to put in around 35 hours per week. I'm getting maximum 20 at the moment with having to juggle all drop offs, pick ups and general patenting.

What exactly would be ringing alarm bells if you don't mind me asking?

Me dropping them with him would be a big no go. I can't even go out for a run on an evening because the baby is such a poor sleeper and he won't deal with him. I've tried. It ended in tears for everyone.

What would be ringing alarm bells is that we know (straight) women with children are more affected by the social fallout from the pandemic than other groups. Student mums whose partners aren't bothering to step up are quite common. It's not a good situation.

What would worry me here is that you're in a situation where your time is already so tight (I have so much respect for you managing this on the time you have, even if you got a proper full work day on Fridays). If he's not doing what he said, you are going to sink.

I just cannot see how someone can get a degree and stay sane on two days a week. It's not fair on you.

I do really sympathise with the issue if it's awful when you do leave the baby with him - I've not been in your situation but do have experience of feeling I couldn't leave my baby with my partner because it just wasn't working. But ... how do you see things progressing? Is there any hope he'll get better at caring for a baby, is there any chance of him wanting or trying to improve?

Honestly, I doubt it. He's not too bad with 4 year old DD because he can basically fob her off with the iPad. But he's just a bit shit with them both.

I knew he wasn't the best dad in the world before DS came along but didn't stupidly didn't pay too much attention because I was working full time and just so busy it never crossed my radar. It's now that I really need the help I'm struggling with it all.

You need to be able to completely shut yourself away when he is supposed to be doing childcare. Difficult with COVID, as I imagine the library isn't an option. Can you shut yourself in a room and put headphones on? Easier said than done, I know, especially if you can hear the poor kid crying.

As for going out for a run - you need to make a routine and stick to it. Keep going at the same time on the same days each week. It will be hellish the first few times but once he gets used to it there will be less drama.

Ultimately, those are only tactics that don't deal with the underlying issue - that his attitude stinks. That I am not sure what to say about, other than a massive boot up the arse being required.

In your shoes, I would drop the rope on ALL domestic activities you currently perform that benefit him. Stop cooking for him, just sort yourself and the kids out if he won't step up and make a meal for the family. Stop doing his laundry. Does he care about mess, washing up, a clean floor? Quit doing those things too.

I think you were being unrealistic having 4 days of classes and only able to pay for childcare for 2 days.

@Waveysnail

I think you were being unrealistic having 4 days of classes and only able to pay for childcare for 2 days.

We were meant to have 3 days of both but my timetable got changed after arrangements had been made and added an extra day and then his work gave everyone a pay cut due to covid. We're lucky he kept his job tbh.

I can't even go out for a run on an evening because the baby is such a poor sleeper and he won't deal with him. I've tried. It ended in tears for everyone.

You need to persevere with this. Start with a short run - 20 mins or so? And build up.

LO needs to get comfortable with you being out of the house for a short while, and DH needs to learn how to deal with the baby.

Have you approached uni for help? They usually have a hardship fund you can access for things that would help you stay on your course. You could ask if they could fund an extra day of childcare as you are struggling. I'd not book that for DH's day but in addition. Your DH needs to step up and do his share. Future years may be a bit easier as baby grows older.