Aibu to carry on with Xmas plan

[Demitri]

Bit of backstory. I have come from a large, very close, family. It was tradition when we were younger to have a huge family Xmas and we’d take it in turns to get together at one of mum or dads siblings houses. As we got older and us cousins had partners/dc it just got too much as we wouldn’t all fit in one house. Over the years, we’ve all reminisced about how amazing it was and how much fun we had and vowed to make an effort to do it again one day.

One of my dads db’s had an affair in 2000, so 20 years ago. It was devastating all around, especially for my cousins who were 14 and 19 at the time. My younger cousin has never really gotten over it and refuses to have anything to do with the ow. They are still together and in 20 years, he has not made any effort with her at all.

4 months ago, my dads other brother passed away, very suddenly. It was a massive shock and my dad and his remaining brother are very upset about it. They were all very close. In light of this, both my dad and uncle have asked that we do the huge family Xmas this year, as it was always something their brother had wanted to do. We’ve looked into hiring the church hall (there’s 42 of us all together) and as it was working out to about $5 per family, this seemed like a much better option than spending more money on a restaurant. We are going to bring dishes between us.

My cousin has massively kicked off. He’s refusing to come if his step mum is going to be there. He’s sending really nasty messages to me and our other cousins on the group chat saying we’re a disgrace, how can we forget what she’s done, we’re all traitors etc. I don’t know what to do. His older brother isn’t exactly happy about it but was willing to make peace for the day for the sake of our parents. It’s now at the point where he said he’s disowning us if we let her come. He doesn’t speak much to his dad anyway but he is very close to my dad and actually lived with us for a few years when the affair came to light.

Aibu to tell him to grow up, it’s been 20 years or do you think we should just cancel the whole thing?

So he’d come if his dad came but not his step mum? Even though it was his dad who did the cheating? I’d tell him it’s his choice but you won’t be excluding anyone. He’s not a child and is old enough to understand that life is complex and to be able to put this aside for a day for the sake of other people

That is a tough one. As they are father and son, I'd be tempted to say to them both that the invitation is there for both and they can sort it out between themselves as there are 39 other people grieving and wanting to get together.

Ultimately he is 34 not 14 any more. Did the OW have any children with your uncle?

I feel sympathy for your cousin, but really it's been 20 years, he needs to let go of the anger. There are 40 other people going to be there so he doesn't have to talk to them or be anywhere near them.
I think he is acting very childishly, but I don't think there is any way for you to express that without getting shit from him. If it were me I'd encourage it to go ahead, and do whatever you can to minimize the fallout with your cousin, ultimately though if he wants to hold a grudge there isn't much you can do about it.

Thank you everyone for your response.

My uncle and ow did not go on to have any more children and she had no children coming into the relationship. Although I don’t agree with what happened, it’s been 20 years and she’s actually a nice person. I don’t know too much about what happened but I know he carried on an affair for almost a year and when he was caught out, he left my aunt for ow.

Tbh even my aunt, his first wife, is over it. She’s happily remarried and her and my uncle are actually pretty civil with each other. They have shared grandchildren and make an effort to get along for their sake. It’s literally only my cousin who has the issue.

To clarify, my cousin is saying that he will only come if ow isn’t there. Point blank refuses to even entertain coming of she’s there and is also saying he will cut us all off, including his brother, if we allow her to come.

I think I’ll ask my dad to have a word with him. I’ve avoided it until now because he’s still grieving and I didn’t really want to give him more things to worry about. But, my cousin only really listens to my parents so I might have to respond to that is nothing else works.

Yeah he needs to grow up and move on. It’s been 20 years and he’s an adult now, not a teenager. If he doesn’t want to come then whatever, sounds like it won’t be much loss anyway.

My MIL had an affair with FIL’s best friend of all people and she ended up leaving FIL for him in the end. DH was a teenager at the time and it greatly affected his relationship with her but he’s an adult now so he grins and bears it when she’s around and also when the ‘OM’ was around (he’s died now). Sometimes you just have to let things go, it’s better for everyone involved including yourself.

You can't dictate how your cousin should feel. If they don't want to come, they don't have to and pressure shouldn't be put on them. Especially not emotional blackmail about what their dead uncle would have wanted.

Won't this be more than 3 households in which case this proposal is breaking the covid rules?

Apart from anything did you hear there’s a pandemic going in? So no you shouldn’t be having any huge gathering 🤦‍♀️

Yeah your cousin is unreasonable. Majorly so. Can a family member he listens to have a chat about how ridiculous he is being?

Also where are you living that you can have a gathering that large at a village hall I’m jealous

From OP's use of $ we can assume she's not in the UK and perhaps in Australia where they have things more under control, covid-wise?

Would you life be that much different if your cousin did disown you. And if your cousin did not, threatening is not a nice thing to do.

Having seen update that cousins mum is happily remarried I dont see the point in this prolonged unpleasantness.

If that's what cousin wants, that's fine.

But everyone else should do what they want too.

Cousin doesn't get to punish dad and extended family indefinitely!

I honestly thought this was going to be a covid question lol!
I say go ahead with it and tell your cousin it is his choice whether or not he comes. It has been 20 years, they need to grow up and put annoyances aside for occasions like this..

Is covid non existent where you live?

Your cousin is being childish.

But you’re all BU for gathering 42 of you together for Christmas dinner in the middle of a pandemic! Just wait til next year.

For 1 it's his dad he should be mad at. His dad cheated on his mum, he cant blame the other woman.
For 2 it was bloody 20 years ago, his mum is remarried, he needs to grow up and stop acting like a petulant child.
Tell him he's welcome to come, he can sit at the other end of the table from them. But if he doesn't come then it's totally on him and he's only spiting himself.

Also, covid?

As one pp has pointed out, OP is probably in Aus. The British media would have us believe everywhere is handling Covid as badly as the U.K. but it’s just not the case!

@TeaChocKitKat

Won't this be more than 3 households in which case this proposal is breaking the covid rules?

Bingo!

You say he has nothing to do with OW - does he have anything to do with his dad? If so, as others have pointed out his dad was just as responsible (or more so), so cousin's argument falls apart pretty quickly. Have you pointed that out to him?

Your cousin needs to make his own decision.

If someone sent me nasty texts, they would be blocked.

He's the real disgrace.

His nasty texts would have settled the matter for me.

I would text him that it is going ahead with or without hime. His texts are unacceptable an you expect and apology for them, and not to contact you again without apologising.

Personally, i would think it would be better if it went ahead without him.

I appreciate he was hugely hurt at the time and may still be.

However, this does NOT give him the right to try and control what other's choose to do and abuse them for not following his wishes.

He doesn't sound very nice.

He looses any sympathy with sending abusive texts.

End of, in my view.

Instead of feeling bad for him, stand up for yourself and do not allow this bullying bratish behaviour to ruin Christmas.

What a tantrum. Does he think all the family has been ignoring the OW for the last 20 years and are now suddenly going to meet her for the first time (therefore betraying him in his weird estimation).

I am assuming that OW has been to family functions over the years and all be it if cousin has never attended one with her, other family members have. Cousin can decide what he wants to do, but he certainly cant dictate what others do and he needs to wind his neck in. Arguably he is behaving worse for ignoring his Dad and OW for 20 years than his Dad and OW having an affair.

how can we forget what she’s done, we’re all traitors etc

What "she's" done? He sounds like a massive misogynist to me. Not to mention highly selfish to be kicking up such a stink about this 20 years later with no ongoing drama, when he knows his family are grieving. I wouldn't indulge him too much.

To clarify, my cousin is saying that he will only come if ow isn’t there. Point blank refuses to even entertain coming of she’s there and is also saying he will cut us all off, including his brother, if we allow her to come

Let him. He'll be the one missing out.

He’s being childish. If he wants to cut his nose off to spite his face, fair enough.

Sorry guys, I’m not in the uk and my town is currently on alert level 1 so we have no restrictions on the number of people who can get together. We have also had no new COVID cases in our town in weeks. We are only advised to isolate if showing symptoms but, other than that, life is pretty much back to normal.