Aibu to carry on with Xmas plan

[Demitri]

Bit of backstory. I have come from a large, very close, family. It was tradition when we were younger to have a huge family Xmas and we’d take it in turns to get together at one of mum or dads siblings houses. As we got older and us cousins had partners/dc it just got too much as we wouldn’t all fit in one house. Over the years, we’ve all reminisced about how amazing it was and how much fun we had and vowed to make an effort to do it again one day.

One of my dads db’s had an affair in 2000, so 20 years ago. It was devastating all around, especially for my cousins who were 14 and 19 at the time. My younger cousin has never really gotten over it and refuses to have anything to do with the ow. They are still together and in 20 years, he has not made any effort with her at all.

4 months ago, my dads other brother passed away, very suddenly. It was a massive shock and my dad and his remaining brother are very upset about it. They were all very close. In light of this, both my dad and uncle have asked that we do the huge family Xmas this year, as it was always something their brother had wanted to do. We’ve looked into hiring the church hall (there’s 42 of us all together) and as it was working out to about $5 per family, this seemed like a much better option than spending more money on a restaurant. We are going to bring dishes between us.

My cousin has massively kicked off. He’s refusing to come if his step mum is going to be there. He’s sending really nasty messages to me and our other cousins on the group chat saying we’re a disgrace, how can we forget what she’s done, we’re all traitors etc. I don’t know what to do. His older brother isn’t exactly happy about it but was willing to make peace for the day for the sake of our parents. It’s now at the point where he said he’s disowning us if we let her come. He doesn’t speak much to his dad anyway but he is very close to my dad and actually lived with us for a few years when the affair came to light.

Aibu to tell him to grow up, it’s been 20 years or do you think we should just cancel the whole thing?

I wondered which hard-of-reading poster would ignore the dollar sign first...

I only asked if there were more children as wondered if they had similar opinions about your uncle! All I can suggest is letting your dad talk to him then. I don't think OW can be expected to bow out after 20 years, especially if aunt and uncle get on ok.

Your cousin ibu. If he chooses not to attend then that is his choice, but blackmailing the rest of you loses him any moral high ground.
That level of bitterness is not normal after two decades, especially when his mother has moved on.

@SadderThanEeyore

Your cousin ibu. If he chooses not to attend then that is his choice, but blackmailing the rest of you loses him any moral high ground. That level of bitterness is not normal after two decades, especially when his mother has moved on.

Yes I think this is best option. I’m at the point now where I think my dad is the one one who will get through to him. He does have a lot of hate in his heart for her, even after all these years. He blames her for everything that’s gone wrong in his life since his parents divorce. He was nc with his dad for quite a few years but is now, sort of, on speaking terms with him. I’ve been telling him for years he needs therapy but he won’t hear of it.

@hammeringinmyhead

I wondered which hard-of-reading poster would ignore the dollar sign first...

I only asked if there were more children as wondered if they had similar opinions about your uncle! All I can suggest is letting your dad talk to him then. I don't think OW can be expected to bow out after 20 years, especially if aunt and uncle get on ok.

Thank you, I think my dad is the best option. Non of the other cousins want to get involved, they have very little to do with him as it is. His Oder brother has tried but has given up and has a small baby he needs to focus on. We were always very close as he lived with us for several years, on and off, during the divorce. I do try and help him but he just won’t let anything go. There’s only so much I can do.