16yr old refusing to come home

[L3cy]

Hi I’m new to mumsnet and just looking for advice recently my 16yr old DD got into her first serious relationship since she got with him a few months ago she has stopped taking care of herself,stopped wearing makeup doing her hair or wearing her nice clothes she has cut off all her friends and has started falling behind with her college work most of her classes are online due to the pandemic and whenever she has a class he constantly spams her phone with calls then she gets frustrated because she can’t concentrate.she spends all of her time down at his where they just lay in bed all day when she’s not with him ( which is rarely) he has to be on FaceTime to her she even has to sleep on FaceTime to him because he says he can’t get to sleep otherwise she has to prove she isn’t talking to other boys she has to screenshot her Snapchat and messenger to him and he even has the the password to her phone and checks it when he wants she’s come home from his twice sobbing her heart out but won’t tell me what’s happened I’m really worried that he’s controlling her or even worse hurting her. A couple of people now have pulled me up and told me that they’ve seen him shouting at her in the street also a mutual friend of his and my sons told my son that he had been putting her hands down his pants in front of everyone and trying to make her “do stuff “ to him .I don’t want to be that overprotective mum because I don’t want to push her away i’ve tried to be supportive I invite him round to our house for tea and movie nights etc but he refuses he just wants her down at his where there’s no one to keep an eye on them as his mums always out and when she is there she just lets him do what he wants. It all came to a head two weeks ago when I tried to set some boundaries i told her she’s not allowed on the phone to him while she has her online classes or when she’s doing her assignments and she can go down to his a couple of times a week and the rest of the week he can come round here so I know she’s ok and can keep an eye on her she’s down right refused and phoned her grandad to pick her up she has now been staying at her grandparents for two weeks who live 20 miles away.When she first went although I was upset and missed her I thought well at least she’s safe and it might do her good to have a little breathing space from him only for me to find out that he’s been getting one of his relatives to give him a lift over to her grandparents house nearly every day and her grandparents have been letting him stay at their house during the day while their at work and bringing her over here to his and letting her sleep over at his house without even telling me and after I’ve discussed my concerns with them . I keep trying to speak to her but she’s been so cold and standoffish almost disconnected it’s just not like her at all we’ve always been so close and she’s always been such a happy lovely girl I feel like she’s been brainwashed she keeps saying she’s happy with him and she loves him but she’s gone so far downhill in just a few months i don’t feel like her grandparents are encouraging her to come home and her boyfriend definitely isn’t she says she’s not coming home because she thinks I’m trying to “split” her and her boyfriend up but I’m not and haven’t even asked her to split up with him I’m just worried about her and want to make sure she’s ok.she says she wants to come home but only if I back off and let her make her own decisions? So would should I do ?

It sounds like she's in a seriously abusive relationship- she's 16, she needs to be with you and away from him😢 I hope you can help her

What do his parents say, how old is he?

Hi thanks for replying that’s exactly what I think i don’t think she’s ok at all . He’s mum and stepdad are in an abusive relationship they are always fighting and the police out to the house all the time I don’t speak to them. He’s 15 .

Hi OP. Your daughter is in her first serious relationship and as such may be confusing his controlling and coercive behaviour with love.

From what you have described I would be extremely worried though.
How old is her bf? Does he go to college or work?
Do the grandparents know how worried you are and why? If so I'd be expecting a lot more support from them.

Could you contact her friends or college tutors to see if they can speak to her? It's so difficult with teens I've been there with my son, it's not easy at all.

Keep all channels of communication open try to get her home with you. Tell her your worries and how a normal relationship should be let her know this is not normal before anything more serious happens.
Goodluck I really hope you can make her see this is not right

Sorry just seen your update. He is 15 with abusive parents. This is not healthy for your daughter and you must have a really honest conversation with her why.

You protect her, in the only way you can. Call childrens services, she's 16 he is 15. They are in a high risk abusive relationship, your daughter is at immediate risk of harm.

His behaviour is very concerning, as is the parenting you describe.

You either watch her sink further into harm, god forbid she gets seriously hurt or worse. You need help and so does she.

Be careful about shutting down the grandparents. At present, at least they see her and she isn't isolated with him.

Good luck 💐

Sorry op, that read back quite blunt. My intent was to convey that although it may damage your relationship to call children's services, in the longer term the help to leave this boy and recover from it will hopefully mend that. The outcome is that she will be safe.

OP, maybe ask to have this moved over to the relationship board. It sounds like your daughter is in a severely abusive relationship and you will probably be her way out BUT it might be a really tough journey to help her leave. You’ve got a double whammy of someone trapped in an adusive relationship and not seeing it as abuse, plus a teenager who will think he knows best. I think your best bet is to find out as much as you can about abuse...how it effects the victim and how they view their abuser, how they’re likely to react to being confronted with the knowledge they’re being abused, how abusers operate etc, etc. Maybe contact NSPPC and Woman’s Aid for help too. She is very young and her BF sounds like he is severly damaged. If she doesn’t manage to break up with him then it may affect her for a long time to come. Your problem is going to be how to help her without alienating her. Don’t lay down the law or tell her what she can and can’t do. Start talking and giving her the space to open up to you. She probably won’t want to as it will be like admitting she’s wrong which teenagers aren’t great at doing. You could maybe start by pointing out what “normal” relationships are like and asking her how she feels when he treats her how he does. Does she feel happy? Safe? Cared for? If she can understand what a relationship should be like (especially at her age) then that may help her see this is not healthy. She may also need help to actually finish with him so try and come up with a plan together so she doesn’t fell like she has to deal with a violent, manipulative abuser on her own. Really though thing for you to deal with. All the best.

Some great advice already. Sending hugs to you and daughter

I would ha e her back and give her space to work things out for herself. Send her links to the freedom course after a couple of weeks. Tell her closest friend you are worried about dd. Talk to the pastoral team at college

I'm afraid I'd be getting any male I knew to frighten the shit out of both him and his parents.

That's what my BIL did when I was in an abusive relationship aged 17. He told the man that if he set foot in our town again, he'd put him in hospital.

This is all that works. Police won't do a thing. Neither will social services.

Hi everyone Thankyou so much for all your advice and kind words I’m in tears it’s comforting to know I’m not the only parent to go through this I’ve so alone and lost the past two weeks. I’m going to ring social services this morning for advice and contact her college tutor there is only one girl that she speaks to someone who’s in her form at college I’m just going to ask her if my DD has said anything worrying about her bf thanks again for all your advice ❤️

@L3cy your OP reminds me of what happened with my DC a very long time ago. Abusive controlling relationships seem to be all that there ever was for my DC.

I remained (and I still am) polite and well mannered at all times. Looking back at what I know now I wish I had been a lot more forceful and insistent. Even if that meant a few swear words or worse/more.
My advice would be don't go easy on this situation. If your DC is 16 and the bf 15 and they are staying over in the same house, it is very likely that they are having a sexual relationship, she is of age to have sex if she wants but he is still considered underage. She could be in trouble having sexual knowledge of a minor.
I think you need to insist that the grandparents (your parents? or the In Laws?) are not facilitating this situation as they could also be in trouble for assisting. The grandparents need to be on your side and be realistic in what they allow your DC to do at their house.
Alternatively you could give up trying to correct your DC's course in life and allow her to go her own way. Whether you pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong or not will be your decision.
Sorry if this seems harsh, I am speaking from decades of experience.

I’m sorry to tell you that at 16 a child can leave home without your permission. It sounds like an abusive relationship but I suspect there is little you can do save make sure she has a safe place to go and that the lines of communication are open. I’d direct her to Women’s Aid and to Childline where there is advice about healthy relationships and what abuse looks like.

Whatever you say at the moment, by the sounds of it, she isn’t listening and that is so hard and frustrating for you so I think try to be clear about what you see happening and encourage her to talk to others as above. Because for whatever reason she’s not hearing you, try to get her to hear it from someone else to whom she just might listen.
I think her college tutor is a good idea and if it seems like it’s just come from the tutor (ie DD doesn’t know you’ve set her up) all the better. Good luck!

I know this sounds a bit harsh, but you need to go and get her. Whether she wants to come or not. No one is going to magically come and rescue her unless you do it yourself. My sister was very young and in an abusive relationship, her partner hit her once, my brother saw and went straight to his house and broke his leg in front of his entire family at dinner time. My mum then shut my sister in her room until she came to her senses. Sounds harsh but now she is a happily married mother.

Remember every time you come down heavy handed it will get fed to the bf who will be telling her that you don't understand their relationship and want to split them up etc. I think you need to try and make sure you keep the lines of communication open with her whatever it takes even if you have to let him come to your house etc. Try and build up her confidence and self esteem. Instead of telking her he is abusive, ask her questions, does she think it's ok to treat someone like that, how does she feel about it, would she treat anyone else like that, etc.

Direct her towards things like this www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/sex-relationships/healthy-unhealthy-relationships/ just to make sure that she is happy with everything that's happening in her relationship and tell her you will be there for her whatever happens in her relationship. I think it's a good idea to get her college tutor and any friends or other adults she trusts involved. Just make sure that she doesnt get so isolated that when she wants out of the relationship and needs some help that she doesnt feel she can ask for it. It might be tempting to break his legs but I think that could backfire pretty badly unless she already wants out

Absolutely feel for both of you. This 100% is controlling and abuse.
I have been the one in an abusive relationship, both wanting my mum's support but afraid to be open about the relationship to her. Though deep down she knows his behaviour is wrong, he will be saying everything he does is because he loves her and she will be very confused and probably be blaming herself too.
Glad to hear you are getting advice and maybe someone at college will be able to get her to open up. Keep telling her you love her, that she's a good person, that there's nothing you wouldn't do for her.

I was in exactly the same position at 16.

Things to consider, the more you push her to leave the harder she will cling on to him, she is probably in a co-dependent relationship, she will not be able to imagine a life without him. This is going to be very hard for her, but she can do it. The worst thing now is to make an enemy of her as she will then be truly isolated, but you can be forceful in every other way apart from anything directed at her, she needs kid gloves, so still sees you as her safe harbour.

If it were my dd, knowing what I do from my own experience.I would be enlisting support from everywhere, uncovering the abuse nature of their relationship and the danger to your child is the most important thing, to absolutely everyone, you can't do this alone.

Do you have other family members that can step in and talk to her? It is better coming from trusted others, than you - she may well listen

Inform the college, and ask them to get involved - do they offer counselling or support? Can a teachers talk to her about how concerned they are about her work and wellbeing?

Call Childrens services and ask for help. Social services will be able to advise.

Contact the local police station and ask them how to proceed, can they come over and speak to your dd. Is it is a criminal matter - coercive control is now an offence?

Contact the boy's parents and tell the steps you are taking, would they agree to her staying in her own home from now on, and not theirs. I would make it clear you intend to escalate this. No need to blame their son, I think I would say you feel they are too young to be so involed, college work is falling behind etc. This is not about placing blame, but getting as much help as you can to get her out of there.

Inform her friend's parents what has happened to your dd, and ask that they continue communication with her.

I know it is easy to feel embarrassed or shame about this kind of situation, but the more you can expose what is happening the better you be placed to get her back. You do all of these things, whilst constantly telling her you love her, you are worried for her and will be there for her for as long as it takes.

You are going to war to get your child back - but you do it smartly and with minimum fuss towards her mobilising every support network you have. I nearly died (due to the level of violence inflicted on me in the end) as a result of my mother leaving me to it and hoping I would work it out, I did not work it out I was too young to know where to turn - don't run the risk with your dd.

And whatever you do, please don't blame your dd for this. She will not have seen it coming, she will have fallen in love and not seen the gradual changes as they happened. The control becoming more intense and tightening over time, but then she will have lost all sense of herself.

I am happily marriage in a healthy marriage (of 20 years) with two children, and a wonderful life behind and ahead of me, she can move on from this, but she will need you to be there for her when she is ready to go with love, support and no judgement whatsoever. She is a child, and she is out of her depth. Carefully make a plan, and execute it all quietly.

She will thank you one day, no matter what she says now. She will come to realise everything you are doing is for her - and only her. Good luck op.

I would call Childrens Services and see if they have any advice at all.As your DD is 16 ,I dont know if the police can take any action regarding her leaving home or not .Hopefully they may be able to act, if she has people that are witnesses to abusive behaviour outside in the Street.It a difficult one really,if you come down too hard on her, she will probably rebel even further .I would try and reach out to her ,let her know you are there for her.She may be scared and afraid .

@Friendsoftheearth great posts and so sorry you had to go through all of that.

Hi everyone just an update I’ve phoned child services this morning and told them everything they said I’m absolutely right to have contacted them and that they will do everything they can to help and to make sure DD is safe I’m am just waiting for a call this afternoon from them I’ve also phoned college and requested a callback from her tutor and children’s services said it might be the case that police get involved. Forgot to mention her boyfriend has already been kicked out of school and already has a criminal record. Also going to keep in touch with her instead of having a go at her ( which is so tempting at the moment ) I’m just going to keep telling her I love her which I do anyway but also that I’m here for her if she needs me . I think that’s good advice to contact his mum and just let her know what’s going on with child services and college but without blaming it all on her son because I’m 99% sure it will just make things worse I’ll just use the approach of I think they are too young to be so involved and shouldn’t be spending time alone in bed especially when he’s only 15 etc I’m so sorry to hear that some of you have been through similar situations at such a young age but I’m so glad to hear that you’ve come through the other end of it and are happy now it gives so much hope for my DD hopefully this is just a little blip and she has a beautiful happy future ahead of her she’s such a beautiful kind caring girl and deserves nothing less . Thanks again for everyone who’s shared their own experiences and kind words of advice it means more than you know ❤️

It’s so difficult to reach middle ground with this. Go in too hard and she will definitely withdraw from you - 16 is a very difficult age. Leaving her to it will give her bf too much control. My initial thoughts would be wanting to confront him and tell him to stay away and impose rules for your dd at home, but I know that would probably be the worst thing to do. And I think involving social services might also make matters worse. You need to try and get her onside. If it wasn’t covid, I would suggest booking a week away just you and her, for a holiday/break. If you could get her sole attention for a period of time you can slowly chip away at her, talk to her and discuss your worries. I think if she feels she can confide in you it will be easier. It will be hard because motherly instinct will want you to try and deal with it firmly, but from my experience of raising a teen daughter, that just doesn’t work.

Are you a single mum? If so, is her dad involved in her life at all? I think boys like that much prefer to get involved with someone who doesn't have a man there who's willing to stand up to him.

You've done the right thing alerting everyone to this. It sounds as though she wants to be out of the situation but doesn't know how. He's incredibly controlling - it took my breath away that he's making her FaceTime even as she sleeps.

I’ll just use the approach of I think they are too young to be so involved and shouldn’t be spending time alone in bed especially when he’s only 15 etc You could remind her that legally she's not allowed to have sex with him till he's 16 - he's under the age of consent.