Presents for nieces ££

[Sarapq2]

Hi
Asked sis in law what kids might want for Christmas , just ideas what they into now , she suggested that a £50 voucher each as then they can get what they want ?
Me and o/h discussed it and to me it's to much.
It's over a day's pay and money is going to be tight for a couple of months .
Yes we both work but this last few month had to rely on food pantry every few weeks, and a charity voucher to have cat neutered .
Am I being unreasonable about this ?

That's v cheeky. I spend about that on my nephew and neice but I've only got 2 and can afford it, if they asked for cash / gift card if would be less.
You've had to use a food pantry, give them selection boxes or maybe a game between them, don't feel guilty.

How rude and grabby of your sil dictating what you should spend on your neices.

Only spend what you can afford and do not feel pressured into spending any more.

In your shoes. I would something tangible rather than money, as that way you know the gift wil go directly to your nieces.

In my family we stop buying neices and nephews once they are 18. The u 18s neices and nephews have a gift limit of £30 each.

We spend just over a tenner on each of them. My side have a million presents and theres really no point in buying them anything else and theres nothing left to actually buy them.
DHs side aren't materialistic and dont give any ideas except money towards things, but they have plenty of money so we don't really like just handing money over, it's a bit meaningless.

I spent more in the past but it's just a waste of money.

I wouldn't be giving gift cards if you dont trust her with money, she could just use that to buy gifts "from her".

Why would you even ask someone so awful a question like that?

Selection box each and block her.

If she just said "they'd love a voucher" I couldn't see anything wrong with that. But £50? Each? And they never buy you ANYTHING? Cf.

I'd go for the pile of poo gift card.

Or don't bother with the gift card and just send her a pile of poo....

This reminds me of the very similar recent thread with the OP whose brother demands precise, expensive gifts for himself from her for every birthday and Christmas but never even gives her a card. For reference, the brother has autism, but as a lot of people pointed out, it's the fact that he has selfish-arseholery that actually causes this behaviour and not the autism.

I don't want to be harsh, but if she would pocket cash and spend it on booze, she could just as easily steal the gift vouchers, use them for her own regular shopping and then spend the shopping money she's saved on booze. Otherwise, she could just sell the vouchers. I don't know her personally, but I do know there are people out there who would be mentally calculating that they could flog a £50 voucher for £35-£40, so that would be its 'booze value' to them - like when drug addicts will often steal to pay for their habit: they couldn't care less that you paid £800 for the laptop, because it can get them £50 down the pub. Absolutely anything can be sold by an addict, and there will invariably be a very high percentage of 'wastage' in the value between that paid by the owner/giver and the amount realised from selling it.

By the sounds of it, pretty much anything you give is liable to be stolen/re-appropriated by her to free up money for booze. If the girls do get the presents from you, are you certain that she tells them that they're gifts with love to them from kind Auntie & Uncle, or might she pretend they're from her and then not buy anything for them herself?

To be frank, if you're currently needing to rely on charity for your own basic expenses (no condemnation whatsoever), you are not in a position to be spending a lot on Christmas presents. I would have thought that a £5 gift each would be more than reasonable under the circumstances, or even a Poundland selection box if you can't run to £5.

If whatever you give is likely to be 'translated' to booze one way or another, stop and think whether you want to show your love for your nieces by buying their mum £5-worth of booze or £100-worth of booze whilst they get nothing either way. That might help to put it more into context.

Tell her to piss off and too bad if it causes friction. It’s none of her bloody business about you financial situation.

Give what you can afford, if that’s only £5 each then that’s what you give them. If she says anything tell her it’s her job as their mother to provide for them not you. If extended family give any gifts it’s a bonus not a given.

It will cause friction but I think we need to stand our ground

Why will it cause "friction" when this is a gift?
It was nice of you to ask for suggestions and I get what you've said about her general attitude, but perhaps it's time for a reminder that a gift is just that and you're not actually obliged to give anything?

Buy clothes

My sil always asks for ideas, she is fairly well off but I never like to assume, I normally tell her what they are into and suggests a couple of options ranging from around £10-£40 or tell her they will love an Amazon voucher if she is busy, but I would never suggest the amount the voucher should be.

Exactly. Also, there's also the old "they're wanting/saving for so they'd be very grateful for some money towards that". That way, it lets them know that any amount is really appreciated, no minimum amount is expected, and it also subtly leaves in the air that, if the giver wants to (and can afford to), they could give them all the money for the big item, or the item itself; but no expectation is ever made or implied at all and if they do buy them the big item outright, it will be their own kind idea and not one that you've fed to them.

@JocastaElastic

My aunt in New Zealand has sent me a £5 note every year on my birthday, and phoned me every Christmas on Boxing Day for the last fifty years, and even though £5 won't buy me much, that £5 is worth a fortune.

This is so lovely

Why will it cause "friction" when this is a gift?
It was nice of you to ask for suggestions and I get what you've said about her general attitude, but perhaps it's time for a reminder that a gift is just that and you're not actually obliged to give anything?

Yes - hoping for a gift is not the same as demanding money with menaces. Every single CF uses this same MO: make outrageously unreasonable demands and then put the blame on to you for your supposed unreasonableness if you don't give in to them.

There already is friction - deliberately caused by her, but currently being absorbed by you, to save her from experiencing the friction that she has single-handedly created.

Let your DH directly tell his sister that he isn’t gifting cash and that your budget is x per child.

We only have 3 nephews to buy for this year and suggested gifts are mostly

He texted her this am about vouchers but she hasn't answered !
There is friction anyway as she bullied me a few years ago ( me n o/h had split briefly) and she seems to think it's all ok between us.
I had an apology but it was like a child saying sorry !

I'm getting £10 voucher each . And tough if she doesn't like it !

dontgobaconmyheart

Hi
Yes she has issues with alcohol but won't admit it .
Vouchers ordered now so if she moans etc on Christmas day it be here spoil It.

I don’t know where you are but how about getting them a voucher for a local attraction? You will then be supporting local employment and well as getting something they can enjoy.

Just seen your update - sounds more than reasonable in the circumstances.

I'm getting £10 voucher each . And tough if she doesn't like it!

Very wise - and the fact she's kicked off before is her problem but shouldn't be yours

Very rude of her to give you a specific amount. Just give the amount you want to give. It sounds like there is friction already anyway.

Sorry, just read your updates. Looks like a good plan.

Thanks for the input , I don't feel so mean now . Sil seems to think we are well off due to area we live in , but looks deceptive !
Vouchers ordered , spoken to my family who have said babysit for us one night be a great present!
I'm not going to let it get to me anymore .x

Wow £50 is a lot. I spend about £25 each on my nieces and nephews. Sometimes a little less.

I would get the £10 vouchers for some place she can't spend the vouchers on herself, like Smyths toy shop.

We spend £10 each on siblings' kids too.

Sil seems to think we are well off due to area we live in , but looks deceptive !

Even if you were truly minted, she still has no right to expect you to spend a load on her booze family. The expectation would only really be justified if she spent loads on your family and she expected the same amount back (still a cold way of viewing it), but that clearly isn't the case here. She sounds like she paints herself as one of life's victims and deserving of everybody else's support by right.

I would get the £10 vouchers for some place she can't spend the vouchers on herself, like Smyths toy shop.

If she were so inclined, she could still sell a £10 voucher to somebody else for £7 - or use it/give it to her DDs as her own present to them and save the money she might otherwise have spent on them.