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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying for second baby, 39...

57 replies

BeardyButton · 03/12/2020 22:15

Where to start...

I always wanted a big family. I thought three or four. But life got in the way. A lot of job insecurity and changes. A lot of moves. My first was not 'easy' - not well for the first year, but thankfully seems to have grown out of issues.

My head says its too late. We could afford another, but my job is a bit all over the place and my career would take a massive kick by having a maternity leave. I dont feel like I d have the energy.

But my heart cries out for another. Every time I see a baby, I physically ache to be pregnant again and bring another little person into our family. Everytime a friend announces a pregnancy or birth, while happy for them, I get really really upset (I hide it well though). Husband says our child is enough for him, but he will go ahead if it really means that much to me.

Our child is nearly five, so big age gap too.

So YABU - given age, career, age gap, unenthusiastic husband, etc, you are unreasonable to have another.

YANBU - follow your heart. You ll regret it bitterly in years to come if you dont. Husband wasnt amazingly enthusiastic about having first and now regularly says its the best thing that ever happened to him.

OP posts:
Dothingsright · 03/12/2020 22:19

I had my second at 39 and don’t regret it at all.

betsybo · 03/12/2020 22:20

It's not too late go for it! We had a third when my eldest was 7 and middle one 5. The relationship they have with the youngest is so adorable and it gives them something totally different to the close competition of siblings closer in age. A baby is tiring but it's temporary. I'm 39 and considering a 4th! Eeek.

Pinkroses87 · 03/12/2020 22:21

My second is due when I will be 39. Now I’m through first trimester hell, I have plenty of energy. Smaller gap to my first baby than you would have, but v v happy.

Ohhgreat · 03/12/2020 22:22

Five years is not a big age gap! Twenty yes, but not 5!

OwlinaTree · 03/12/2020 22:23

I had number two at 38, a month off 39. I was shattered being Pg with a toddler and working full time, but it was fine really. Go for it. Your first will be that bit more independent and going to school too, so you will get some time one to one with the baby. I was at home with a 2.5 y old as well as the baby, so it was lovely but tiring!

Ponoka7 · 03/12/2020 22:26

I had a 10 year age gap because of losses. They are in their 20's and 30's and are still very close. It was my elder one that took the younger one to their first festival/holidays. Five years is nothing.

LokiOdinson · 03/12/2020 22:26

I'd say YABU to do it if your husband doesn't want to. If he does, then of course, go for it!

Phyzzy · 03/12/2020 22:27

I had my second at 39. The main concern I would have is a 5 year age gap. It's essentially like a second family, children will never be close enough in age to do the same things at the same level.

LokiOdinson · 03/12/2020 22:29

@Phyzzy

I had my second at 39. The main concern I would have is a 5 year age gap. It's essentially like a second family, children will never be close enough in age to do the same things at the same level.
I don't think that's true. I wasn't very close to my brother growing up (14 year age gap) but we're best friends now.
HollyBen · 03/12/2020 22:30

I had my fist aged 36 and no 2 aged 40. My second was harder work than no1 and didn't sleep through the night until he was 3! I would have loved another but dh was set against it and I let head rule over heart.

Jarline · 03/12/2020 22:30

I have almost 6 years between mine, with my second born when I was 39. They adore each other, and its amazing watching my older one teach the little one things. Wasn't how I ever imagined it - like you, life, fertility challenges and loss got in the way - but we got there.

Do it. If your husband is on board, of course.

lilythesheep · 03/12/2020 22:31

I had my second at 39. We have a 4 year age gap, which I thought might feel big, but actually bigger age gaps have big benefits and it helped me really enjoy and treasure my maternity leave and time with my newborn. The children play together amazingly well, the younger one idolises her sister, the older one enjoys the status and attention and is not jealous because they aren't competing for the same things. Every age gap has its pros and cons, hit I really wouldn't worry about it too much- if you want another baby, go for it.

Tiletiletile1 · 03/12/2020 22:33

I have been trying for another for almost 2 years and I have just turned 40. 39 is absolutely not too old! Do it!

RedRec · 03/12/2020 22:34

You are most definitely not being unreasonable, OP. I feel as though I could have written your post. We decided to go for it and I had my second child at the age of 41. Best decision I ever made.

mistermagpie · 03/12/2020 22:37

I had my third at 39 and I didn't feel it was too old at all. My first was 4 and that doesn't seem like a big gap at all.

I would go for it, t only if your husband wants to.

Jamjar77 · 03/12/2020 22:45

Had our second at 40 with a 6 year age gap - gap was bigger then we’d have liked due to losses and fertility problems. No regrets whatsoever!

Tiletiletile1 · 03/12/2020 22:52

RedRec that you had another at 41 gives me so much hope!!!

Elouera · 03/12/2020 22:56

I'm still TTC number 1 and I'm 42!!! TTC 10yrs, 3 losses and started 2nd round of IVF yesterday! 39 is not to old at all!

My brother and I have an almost 5yrs gap. We got on incredibly well. Never bickered like cousins who were 2yrs apart. Mum said that that gap was great, because the older child is at school whilst the baby gets 1:2:1 attention, so similar to your 1st. best of luck x

Kettlingur · 03/12/2020 22:59

I had my first at 41 and my second at 43, so 39 to me is young. Both kids are healthy, and I am too.

Emeraldshamrock · 03/12/2020 23:00

Go for it you're in a good place.

Nicknamegoeshere · 03/12/2020 23:00

I had my third in May, I turned 40 a few weeks back. First (and last!) for my fiancé. My other two (with my ex-husband) are 10 and 13 so it's definitely a case of starting all over again!
So much better this time as I have a supportive and involved partner who doesn't take his daughter forgranted for one second and who cares about us all Smile

Kokeshi123 · 03/12/2020 23:02

I had my second at 39 after a bigger age gap!

I would go for it BUT also make sure you are mentally prepared for it not to work out. The average age at which women become no longer capable of getting pregnant naturally is 41, but there is a big bell curve and quite a lot of women are no longer able to get pregnant by their late 30s (and others can get pregnant naturally well into their 40s!). So give it a go but make you have made your peace with being a one-child family as well, if necessary.

My pregnancy and baby were all very easy and uncomplicated, but I recommend looking into the Harmony etc test regardless of your views on termination, because even if you would continue a pregnancy with a trisomy it is better to be prepared in advance.

I like having a larger age gap, by the way. There is less jealousy and you have more time to devote to each one when they are little.

formerbabe · 03/12/2020 23:03

Five years between my sister and me...it never felt like a big gap. We always had loads in common and did loads of stuff together.

Noti23 · 03/12/2020 23:06

You’re obviously pining for another! Don’t put obstacles in your own way. Do it!

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 03/12/2020 23:29

I had my youngest at 40, her brothers were 2.5 and 4.5, now they are teens she is closest to the eldest one.

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