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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying for second baby, 39...

57 replies

BeardyButton · 03/12/2020 22:15

Where to start...

I always wanted a big family. I thought three or four. But life got in the way. A lot of job insecurity and changes. A lot of moves. My first was not 'easy' - not well for the first year, but thankfully seems to have grown out of issues.

My head says its too late. We could afford another, but my job is a bit all over the place and my career would take a massive kick by having a maternity leave. I dont feel like I d have the energy.

But my heart cries out for another. Every time I see a baby, I physically ache to be pregnant again and bring another little person into our family. Everytime a friend announces a pregnancy or birth, while happy for them, I get really really upset (I hide it well though). Husband says our child is enough for him, but he will go ahead if it really means that much to me.

Our child is nearly five, so big age gap too.

So YABU - given age, career, age gap, unenthusiastic husband, etc, you are unreasonable to have another.

YANBU - follow your heart. You ll regret it bitterly in years to come if you dont. Husband wasnt amazingly enthusiastic about having first and now regularly says its the best thing that ever happened to him.

OP posts:
PetraRabbit · 04/12/2020 00:12

I can't really see a dilemma here. 5 years is not a huge age gap and at the age of 39 you wouldn't be a particularly older mother. It's really work versus baby and you're not emotional or physically aching over your career.

MayMiracle · 04/12/2020 08:05

I had my second a month shy of my 39th birthday. I haven't regretted it for a single second. I only wish I'd been a little younger and could have squeezed in a 3rd. But, I'm still extremely thankful for our 2.

I'm also happy being slighter older parents that my dc1 has a sibling (I know there's no guarantee they'll be best buds, but I'm hopeful they'll be supportive of one another)

If it was me, I'd listen to my heart, my intuition. But, whatever you do decide try and make peace with it.

Good luck 💐

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 04/12/2020 08:09

I’m currently pregnant with my 3rd. I’m 38 and my second is nearly 5.
I’d say definitely go for it!! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
BeardyButton · 04/12/2020 09:28

Thanks everyone. This has been so heartening. For those that are trying - I wish you all the luck in the world.

I am prepared for it to be hard work getting pregnant this time. Im prepared that it may end in tears...

As to husband. Its very hard to know with him. He finds change of any description really hard. He is a glass half empty sort. He says he would be happy with one, he worries how we d cope with two (emotionally and energy wise) but doesnt want me to regret not having another. I do know he was EXACTLY the same with our first (wasnt in any way excited, would have been happy to not have a child etc). But! He is the best most loving father I know. The moment our child arrived he fell in love. So it's hard for me to comment.... If I asked him he would list all the reasons we shouldnt and end with 'but I dont want you to be unhappy'. But he is like this with every large decision we have ever made. I am the optimist 'lets do it' type. He is the reigining in, tick the box and weigh the risks type.

I dont think he d regret having another. In fact, I m pretty positive that he d love seeing siblings interact, love the new baby etc. But he certainly isnt enthusiastic about it.

OP posts:
TweeBree · 04/12/2020 09:31

A lady I used to work with had her first at 43, second at 44 and is pregnant again at 45. We're all secretly hoping it's twins. Grin

wimhoffbreather · 04/12/2020 09:35

Mum had me at 39 and my brother 5 years later at 44 and this was in the 80s so everyone thought she was positively ancient!

It’s not a problem. If you can afford to and want to have another baby.

Simplyunacceptable · 04/12/2020 09:36

Just do it. Five years is not a large age gap by any means, there’s ten years between my eldest and youngest! You obviously yearn for another child so go for it.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 04/12/2020 09:41

Nope! You're too old! Pack up your uterus.

Joking. Of course you're not too old. Unless you've gone through the menopause, you're not too old to have a baby. The age gap is fine. I had a long road to concieve my second, so there are six years between mine. It's nice actually. They don't have the big sibling fights and the eldest was old enough to get excited about having a sibling.

I was more knackered with the second. But even people who have their kids young say that the jump to two kids is knackering.

Waveysnail · 04/12/2020 09:44

I think my issue would be if your husband isnt 100% on board. Would he be the type to leave you to all the raising and childcare

aintnothinbutagstring · 04/12/2020 09:45

My two have an almost three year age gap, so the ideal gap really but they're boy and girl who have completely different personalities and interests so they're not all that close. I wouldn't let an age gap concern you really. With siblings it's always a risk that they won't be absolute best buds but there's still lots of benefits to sibling relationships.

Original poster
BeardyButton · 04/12/2020 13:14

Waveysnail - my husband is not 100% up for any new endeavour. He spends much of his life worrying. Its rubbed off on me a bit too. But I like to think we balance each other out.
I will say he is 100% committed to me and our child. He is a fantastic husband and father. But he is a natural born worrier.

OP posts:
Emmacb82 · 04/12/2020 13:55

I’m 38 and had my second in April. I’m planning on squeezing a third in so will start trying this time next year. I’ll be 40 when baby born if we are lucky enough to conceive. Older than I would have wanted but that’s the way life goes! You’re only as old as you feel as they say!
The only thing that would worry me is that your husband said he will have one if you want one - will he be supportive and helpful once baby is here?

Emmacb82 · 04/12/2020 13:55

Ah cross post!

Phyzzy · 04/12/2020 14:22

@LokiOdinson I don't think that's true. I wasn't very close to my brother growing up (14 year age gap) but we're best friends now.

Actually that's exactly my point. It's great that you are friends as adults but the growing up phase is the one which most affects the parents.
Whether the children play together, have similar interests, enjoy the same outings and holidays, learn things around the same age makes family life easier. If your eldest is a few years older they will possibly entertain the little one but it's not the same.

Moo678 · 04/12/2020 18:59

I’m 39 and 13 wks pregnant with no.4. Older kids are 11,9 and 2 - big age gaps but I wouldn’t change it for the world. My experience is you don’t regret the kids you have. I bitterly regret not starting trying for numbers 3 and 4 earlier as it was not easy conceiving this time round.

notfromstepford · 04/12/2020 19:23

Had my first at 37 and my second at 41, so it's not too late if it's what you want to do.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 04/12/2020 19:29

I had my send at 39 with a 4 year age gap.... all planned for that age and gap. DH is 4 years older than me so he was 43 for DC2.

Yes we’re tired and lacking energy, but we can rest when we’re older..... I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Unsure33 · 04/12/2020 19:30

trust me when you get to 60 your main regret wont be you wish you had concentrated on your career more . Work is not everything . I regret not having 3 children - but after having two difficult births - premature we decided it was not meant to be. do I consider my business my greatest achievement ? no - its my children and grandchildren.

partofyoupoursoutofme · 04/12/2020 19:43

You're definitely not too old! I have a 4 year old and a 10 month old and I'm 40. I can't lie, it's been really really really hard. I thought I was prepared because my first was hard, but obviously didn't factor in covid etc which changed things a lot. I'm so tired, all the time. My dh is exhausted and we are doing our very best to keep it together until 10 month old starts sleeping better. However, she is utterly delightful, I love her beyond measure and I feel like my family is complete now.

There have been times this year when I have regretted having children at all, but on balance I wouldn't change a thing, they are a tonic.

Good luck with your decision, it won't necessarily be a long slog getting pregnant, I was pregnant within 2 months both times (I know that's extremely lucky, but it happens). Sounds like you will regret not going for it.

onlyreadingneverposting8 · 04/12/2020 19:47

I've just had my 9th (yes that's correct) 3 weeks ago at 44.10 and was being asked if I would have another and told I wasn't too old! 39 isn't too old at all!!

MaryShelley1818 · 04/12/2020 19:53

I had my first at 39.5 and am now expecting his little sister next month at 42.5. DH was the same as yours - he loves and idolises our son, he wasn't against another baby but would have been very happy just to stick with DS due to worrying about everything - he is a natural Eeyore. He's definitely getting more excited as time goes on and there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for us.
I say go for it!!! DS (3 next week) is beyond excited.

Ori3 · 04/12/2020 19:56

Follow your heart. It won’t lie to you.

Emeraldshamrock · 04/12/2020 19:57

I've just had my 9th (yes that's correct) 3 weeks ago at 44.10 Wow congratulations 👏

BikeRunSki · 04/12/2020 20:00

I had mine at 37 and 40

Imapotato · 04/12/2020 20:08

Plenty of people have babies over 40 these days. Is it the ideal age? Probably not, but it seems to be the norm now due to lots of factors.

5 years really isn’t a huge age gap, yes they they won’t be as good company for each other as they would if they were 2/3 years apart. But it’s not like you have a teenager and are considering starting again. The baby days aren’t that far behind you.

So if you want to, and you can afford it, then why not go for it. You may regret it if you don’t.

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