How would you deal with this?

[AndNowItsHappeningInMine]

I'm a bit fed up of being told to 'stop shouting " when we're having a discussion about something (eg politics).
I do raise my voice when I'm getting passionate about a subject, and so does he.
I'm not shouting AT him, I'm just getting animated (honest).
Tonight I really had enough, because he told me to stop talking over him. He'd just asked me "do you really think x, y, z" and I responded.
Apparently, that was rude. I told him I was answering his question, but he said I had to wait til he'd finished his broader point.
He then did this gesture to allow me to speak.
It was so fucking condescending.
I daresay you'll think this is trivial and I'll get told we should both grow up, but really, I just need something, to help me cope when he does this.
He's ALWAYS telling me to "stop swearing!" when I'm talking. Yes, I swear. No, not in mixed company, and I really fucking don't like my language being policed.
I know tempers are frayed atm and I don't want to make a tense situation worse, but I have NOTHING to say in my own defence, and I'm fed up of putting up and shutting up and being told what I am allowed to say, and what volume I'm allowed to say it at, and what expression I'm allowed on my face when I say it.

I've a headache reading that never mind hearing it. God of almighty the two of you need to take a step back.
Raising your voice and swearing is going to irk the person you're debating with. Likewise with him.
Maybe the two of you should not debate for a while

If whoever I was talking to was shouting and swearing, I would tell them to tone it down too.

Sympathy on the volume = animation thing. My husband once told me to “calm down”... I don’t even remember what the subject was, but it was something big - domestic violence I think. I asked him - where is your fucking passion? And advised him that “calm down” was never going to go down well with me. No answer for you - just sympathy.

so I voted YABU, but actually I am on the fence.

As we don;t know either of you, it is hard to tell, but it could be
either
he is being a bit controlling, and patronising, and this is part of a broader issue about your voice being heard within your relationship. Being told to calm down or be quiet is really annoying and is not going to go down well.
or
you need to grow up. Dh and I argue, of course as do most people. We also have animated discussions about stuff, but we respect each other. That means not swearing much, not talking over and yes, calming down. If you are too loud and too 'in your face' then it is no longer a discussion, it is you having a rant.

I re-read that a few times to check it wasn’t my other half (who knows well that I mumsnet) writing it! We have just this second fallen out over the same thing.

He cannot have a calm conversation about controversial topics/any sort of debate. He speaks over me, starts to ‘shout’, or at least his volume significantly increases, his brows go down, his body language becomes increasingly aggressive. I HATE it, its a huge source of conflict for us, in part because I always call him out on it. He replies with much of what you’ve said above.

I love silly hypothetical conversations and debates and it makes me so sad that someone I’m going to be with for the rest of my life can’t take part without getting angry and unpleasant. Never mind a real argument where one or both of us has skin in the game.

Take it from the other side, it’s really really shitty to have someone go on like this at you. I suspect the answer at least for me, is have meaningful conversations or lively debate elsewhere. Not ideal though 😞

But to deal with it, you need ot have a conversation when you are both calm about how you speak to eahc other. If you care about someone then yes, you do try and tone it down if they find it annoying,.

He sounds like a patronising tosser.

I’ve given up bothering to discuss stuff with my DH.

Depends where you are when you are swearing. At home, no worry. Our and about could be inappropriate.

'I am not shouting, I am being assertive'. Most men talk over women because they think they are more important - I had this happen to me at a training session about the very same subject.

I would experience shouty, sweary argument as a lack of respect and wouldn’t have it in my home.

I disagree with some PPs about swearing. I think it’s less about situation (out and about or indoors) or whether it’s normal for the person, and much more about context- for me at least.

My DH swears a lot in normal conversation. I don’t think anything of it. I find it really unpleasant when it’s in the middle of a heated conversation and accompanied by speaking increasingly loudly over the top of me and gesticulating madly. It totally changes the feel of an otherwise innocent ‘fuck’!!

And presuming that you are female, surely this does count as “mixed company”

Thanks for your replies. It does feel like he's dominating me, and controlling the conversation when it gets like this. It's usually pretty good natured discourse, whether we agree or not.
These aren't arguments, they are matters of, and differences of opinion.
He says things I know he doesn't believe, sometimes, just to put himself in opposition to me. I should be better than walking straight into it.

The swearing wasn't tonight, it's something he's said a few other times. I swear, as does he.
Then he'll tell me to stop swearing.

"Mixed company" I mean anyone else really - not in front of kids/elderly relatives.
It's just the two of us.

"Mixed company" I mean anyone else really - not in front of kids/elderly relatives.

Ah, that makes sense, (“mixed company” refers to mixed sexes).

So it’s not that he complains about you shouting and swearing, so much as he’s hypocritical about it?

Apologies for the bluntness, but you asked for opinions . Your post was hard to read , perhaps you need to try and be more focused on the point you are making . Also , why don't you try and lower your voice

Yes that's it.
We're both discussing things and getting equally passionate about it (no shouting and swearing at each other, no aggression, nothing disrespectful or unfriendly) then he'll suddenly STOP and say very quietly "stop shouting".
And I'll instantly be on the back foot, and say "I'm NOT shouting, we're both animated", but I just feel so SHIT, because it WAS an equal discussion that he's brought to an instant termination and made it something else.

Ah, I dunno.

Does he talk over you? Does he also shout? If he does one/both of these then the two of you need to work on those points. If it’s only you doing the shouting and interrupting then yeah, maybe you need to reassess how you try to get your point across to other people. He does sound annoying though. Maybe change the subject if he tries to start a debate. He’ll soon get bored.

Sorry just read your last post. Can you jump in first next time and tell him to stop shouting or to calm down? Or, state very calmly that you’re not going to argue about it so you’ll both just have to agree to disagree.

But in your op you said you do shout.

It's hard to say. From reading your OP I kinda formed the impression, perhaps mistakenly, that you both treat the relationship like an episode of University Challenge. He does sound like a bit of a dick though.

Could you not park inflammatory/controversial/polarising topics for a while and talk about boring shit like the weather instead?

Laid back life
I think that may be worth trying. It's like the first person to accuse the other of shouting (it's not shouting at each other WWCJD, I explained it's raised voices talking passionately, just not a regular conversation voice) is automatically the one onot shouting!

BRF I think that's going to be the winning solution. I do enjoy a good discussion, and I like to talk with HIM about things that matter to me, but yes, I think I need to be on top of parking certain topics I can see goibg down the same path.
Thanks. ☺

Why does he do it, do you think? Is it about him thinking he's losing an argument, so it's to shut you up? Does he suddenly experience you as aggressive?

When you say you find him silencing, does he acknowledge that must be hard for you, or does he not care?

Personally, I think you should lay off the caps lock. You’re shouting in my head.

Has this always been an issue since you’ve been together?