How would you deal with this?

[AndNowItsHappeningInMine]

I'm a bit fed up of being told to 'stop shouting " when we're having a discussion about something (eg politics).
I do raise my voice when I'm getting passionate about a subject, and so does he.
I'm not shouting AT him, I'm just getting animated (honest).
Tonight I really had enough, because he told me to stop talking over him. He'd just asked me "do you really think x, y, z" and I responded.
Apparently, that was rude. I told him I was answering his question, but he said I had to wait til he'd finished his broader point.
He then did this gesture to allow me to speak.
It was so fucking condescending.
I daresay you'll think this is trivial and I'll get told we should both grow up, but really, I just need something, to help me cope when he does this.
He's ALWAYS telling me to "stop swearing!" when I'm talking. Yes, I swear. No, not in mixed company, and I really fucking don't like my language being policed.
I know tempers are frayed atm and I don't want to make a tense situation worse, but I have NOTHING to say in my own defence, and I'm fed up of putting up and shutting up and being told what I am allowed to say, and what volume I'm allowed to say it at, and what expression I'm allowed on my face when I say it.

My husband says stop shouting in a discussion if he's wrong and I'm right.

5575 yes, it feels like he does it to shut me up if I have a stronger argument than him.
It's certainly not because I'm shouting - I'm honestly not.
Tiddy, I think that's it.

DH and I had similar issues in that discussions would get heated and we’d interrupt each other. However, it never resorted to name calling but a lot of frustration and snapping at each other.
As ridiculous as it sounds, we came up with putting your hand on your head when you’d finished speaking (sometimes a pause for breath was enough for the other to jump into the discussion 🙄 - both of us equally to blame) and until that point the other kept quiet. But like a talking stick!
Over time it’s become unnecessary except rare circumstances. Usually when emotions are high or the topic is one that we’re particularly passionate about. But it helped get us over the hurdle and reclaim the mutual respect.

I have the same issue with my DH, I now refuse to have any debates with him because its exhausting, and I don't want it to ruin our relationship.

You have my sympathy OP

You both sound loud and tiresome.

I voted YABU because it sounds like you both don’t have healthy arguing tactics at all if you can’t disagree about something without going through this whole rigmarole. Go to couples counseling to learn some coping mechanisms and healthy ways to disagree, because this isn’t it from either side. If counseling isn’t an option maybe consider a copy of “Stop Arguing, Start Talking,” by Relate. I think it’s on Amazon or maybe available cheaper directly from Relate.

From your subsequent posts it sounds as if he is doing it to change the subject because you are right and he can't counter argue.

I would talk about it when you are both calm.
Talk about how you feel during these discusions. Do the listening thing where the other person has (up to) 5 minutes to say what they feel and you are not allowed to interrupt. Then you have to reflect back what they said without comment, just to show that you have understood. Then swap.

It will help you both to understand what is underlying this, and then you can make a plan.

I do find it sad that so many posters have stopped having interesting discussions with their dh/dp. I think something is lost between you if you can't debate/talk about the issues of the day. So definitely worth finding a way through

Thanks steppemum, like you, I think it's good to have debate, and to be able to discuss things with your favourite person.
I hope it doesn't come to that with us, phat phanny, but I definitely can't let it keep happening the way it does atm.

@AndNowItsHappeningInMine

The swearing wasn't tonight, it's something he's said a few other times. I swear, as does he. Then he'll tell me to stop swearing.

"Mixed company" I mean anyone else really - not in front of kids/elderly relatives.
It's just the two of us.

Ohhh but you're a lady........... ugh YANBU

Ugh I hate when people shout and don't let you finish what you're saying during discussions. Its rude and arrogant. I would definitely tell you to stop shouting ir just stop talking to you.

But do you talk over him?

My husband used to talk over me all the time and it was so tiring and frustrating. It isn't a nice feeling when you feel like you're not being listened to because the other person is already forming their next sentence instead of just listening to what you have to say first.

I say he used to do it because I started challenging him every single time he did it. Now most of the time he catches himself when he starts to do it, or he apologises as soon as he gets the glare.

I must admit I can get quite animated too, but when I'm animated I tend to be more on the realms of ranting rather than discussing.

@Wales34

Apologies for the bluntness, but you asked for opinions . Your post was hard to read , perhaps you need to try and be more focused on the point you are making . Also , why don't you try and lower your voice

I disagree with you @wales34 and agree with OP.

It’s a tactic to make you back down and admit they’re right.

PS - OP has said repeatedly she was not shouting. In the absence of a recording I think we should take her at her word on this.

DH and I can be like this except I'm your DH in this scenario. I loathe it when he keeps talking and not listening. It makes me disengage and get hugely stressed. It's not because I want to silence him, I just want to get a word in edgewise and have it listened to.

The thing is we don't row at all really about anything else. It's just political discussions where we clash (let's have a heated debate for any Mrs Merton fans).

What's funny is that when we're both calm and we talk about it together, he genuinely thinks shouting over people is how you get your point across as he grew up in a big loud family and that's how you got heard. He doesn't realise how stressful I find it. We're not trying to silence each other we just have different styles and different points of view.

Thanks Mustard MITT.
For all of you saying I need to stop shouting and talking over him etc etc, yes you only have my word for it that I'm not shouting or talking over him.

And you also only have my word for it that if I DID shout and talk over my partner, I wouldn't come to mumsnet moaning that he's complained about it, so trot off with your projecting and inventing. Ta.

Thanks to all who gave me the time to offer constructive advice and support.

Late back to this - but in that case, if it feels like it's to shut you up as you're 'winning' and he doesn't like it - I'd puncture his tactic. So as soon as he says it, I'd make a clear point of going super super gentle, really careful, but continuing to make the same point. So he can't effectively silence me by accusing me of shouting. Because it sounds like at the moment, it is working, which would infuriate me. I'd ask him, gently, if he wants to stop talking about it, maybe the topic is upsetting, maybe he's not sure what he thinks right now and we can come back to it later, whatever - but not being silenced.

Omg thought it was just my husband, that moaned about this subject!!!!