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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What race should the donor be?

81 replies

alisha556655 · 03/12/2020 10:52

Our ethnic combination is Pakistani (me) and white irish (her). I’ll be carrying one and she’ll be carrying the other
She’s not bothered either way so ultimately it’s up to me, we both want them to be half siblings so they’d need to have the same donor but I’m torn for several reasons:

Pros of a white donor:
More variety of white donors. The children sharing her white background, easier for life in britain if they’re paler skinned and won’t be affected much by racism

Cons of a white donor:
Her biological child will be fully white and I wouldn’t want my child to feel excluded from my cultural background and community or shamed if they feel more of a connection with it

Pros of a pakistani donor:
Both of my children would share my ethnic background, so could freely embrace the culture without feeling left out as it’s my non-biological child’s culture too

Cons of a pakistani donor:
My biological child could wish he/she had white heritage too. Facing more racism if darker skinned

What should we do???

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 10:56

This reply has been deleted

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Mammyofasuperbaby · 03/12/2020 10:58

Possibly look for a mixed race donor so each child is 3/4 one race and 1/4 the other. It won't be equal but its something

borageforager · 03/12/2020 11:01

A biracial/mixed race donor is a good idea. I think it would be desirable for the kids to both be somewhat brown (as far as you control for genetic randomness) as people will say ‘oh you don’t look like siblings’... etc.

Tellmetruth4 · 03/12/2020 11:01

There must be mixed heritage donors in U.K. If not you could go to the US? Alternatively she could have Asian donor and you a white one so they are both mixed race. They won’t be biologically related but they will still be siblings growing up together with the same partners so does it matter if they have different donors?

VladmirsPoutine · 03/12/2020 11:03

If you can't find a mixed donor I'd opt for one white and one pakistani donor.

Tellmetruth4 · 03/12/2020 11:04

Same parents not partners!

NewNameNewJob · 03/12/2020 11:05

You're joking, right???

TheDowagerDuchess · 03/12/2020 11:06

I was going to suggest trying to find a mixed white and Pakistani donor too if you can.

It would be nice to be able to say race doesn’t matter, but all of your reasons do make perfect sense.

borageforager · 03/12/2020 11:06

OP, you might be better off asking for this to be moved to conception/fertility boards, where people will be more likely to understand the conversations around donor sperm.

GirlOnFireA · 03/12/2020 11:07

How strange - these are babies!

BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2020 11:07

Mixed donor if possible, although be aware that, despite the parent's heritage, not all children take the same skin and eye colour, as I'm sure you're aware.

A (white) relative of mine has 4 DC with a partner of Pakistani heritage and there's quite a variation in both eye and skin colour amongst them.

ClaireP20 · 03/12/2020 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Merrow · 03/12/2020 11:10

My wife and I went down the donor row with the same expectation that you have, with each of us carrying and having a biological connection. We've now decided (after the birth of our first child) that actually we're in the position to provide them with a full genetic sibling - we know that genetics don't matter to us (I'm not the biological mother and feel nothing less!) but we don't know how he / his sibling will feel.
We don't know whether having a full genetic sibling (when the reality of using donor sperm is that they'll have a lot of half siblings) will be important to them. It also felt slightly incongruous to be saying that genetics doesn't matter but we each chose to have a genetic link. Probably our decision was influenced by the fact that IUI wasn't successful and after IVF we have frozen embryos, but considering your concerns about the sibling relationship it might be something worth thinking about.

Woewoewoejoy · 03/12/2020 11:11

My kids are mixed and are as white as snow! With blonde hair and blue eyes like me. Partner is olive skinned with her black hair! However they have more of his facial.features and body type! Genetics similarly is not guaranteed.

Original poster
alisha556655 · 03/12/2020 11:11

I know people might find it strange but when you’re in an interracial lesbian couple these are the factors that you think about, will they feel like they belong in both communities? Especially when mine is so homophobic. Yes I’m being serious, it’s difficult to make our minds up so we are asking for opinions. The mixed race donor does sound like a good idea

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 03/12/2020 11:13

OP, prepare for a load more posts by people who don't have any answers but have spotted an opportunity to have a go at you- or take a pp's advice and get this moved.

Original poster
alisha556655 · 03/12/2020 11:13

And I thought it was obvious I’m talking about babies, didn’t mean for it to sound flippant at all 😂🤦🏽‍♀️I did refer to them as my children too lol

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2020 11:13

The reality is that gene combinations are very hard to predict and how they look could be quite surprising with either option. I’m mixed ethnicity (black and white) and my husband white.

One son is the same colour as me with darker features - looks Italian - dead straight thick dark hair. The other is blonde, blue eyed, big curls, skin so pale it’s scared of the sun.

It is what it is.

babbaloushka · 03/12/2020 11:16

She's very clearly simplified her language to make it a concise post, she's not talking about them like handbags, its very normal to say youre "carrying" a child!

Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 11:19

@babbaloushka

She's very clearly simplified her language to make it a concise post, she's not talking about them like handbags, its very normal to say youre "carrying" a child!
Simplified her language? Yes “baby” is such a long and complex word Hmm
Tellmetruth4 · 03/12/2020 11:20

I’m assuming the outraged posters are in relationships with people the same race as them and have single raced children because as a mixed races person myself I totally understand the OPs conundrum. You want your children to be exposed to and to live as both sides of their parents races/ethnicity.

Race will play a part in their lives and their experiences in life will be impacted by whether they are fully white or fully Asian looking. For example if Asian OP decided to take two white kids abroad on her own to visit family in Pakistan, she will probably face questions, same for her partner walking around with 2 Asian kids getting funny looks everywhere. Then the kids, if one is Asian and one is white will have different experiences which may cause issues between them based on how others treat them.

These issues all need to be considered before they have children.

WorriedAboutAirQuality · 03/12/2020 11:26

It’s definitely clear that you’re talking about babies!

I’m white and my partner is south asian. We have two kids and one has much darker skin than the other but it is clear that both are mixed race. People speculated about it a lot when I was pregnant and commented on their skin colour a lot once they were born - like, a lot more than if me and their dad were both white, one with brown and one with blond hair say.

If you can, I would use a pakistani or mixed race donor. Good luck!

WorriedAboutAirQuality · 03/12/2020 11:28

@Tellmetruth4

I’m assuming the outraged posters are in relationships with people the same race as them and have single raced children because as a mixed races person myself I totally understand the OPs conundrum. You want your children to be exposed to and to live as both sides of their parents races/ethnicity.

Race will play a part in their lives and their experiences in life will be impacted by whether they are fully white or fully Asian looking. For example if Asian OP decided to take two white kids abroad on her own to visit family in Pakistan, she will probably face questions, same for her partner walking around with 2 Asian kids getting funny looks everywhere. Then the kids, if one is Asian and one is white will have different experiences which may cause issues between them based on how others treat them.

These issues all need to be considered before they have children.

Completely agree with all of this, very well put.
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 03/12/2020 11:29

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Brmmbrmmm · 03/12/2020 11:29

Sorry no practical advise but just want to echo what @Merryoldgoat says.

I have 2 DC with different fathers but both fathers (and their families) are pretty much identical heritage (white) I am mixed black/white.

I have 1 very pale skinned red headed child and 1 similar colour to me.

Think Ed Sheeran and Rihanna lol.

I have faced what i would call discrimination with my lighter skinned child, funny looks when he's called me mum, in a foreign country he was sat next to me and a tour guide asked him who his mum was and looked blankly at me when he pointed to me. And returning to the uk on holidays in particular we have been questioned many times as they dont believe he is my son.

This should not be an issue nowadays but sadly people make assumptions.