What race should the donor be?

[alisha556655]

Our ethnic combination is Pakistani (me) and white irish (her). I’ll be carrying one and she’ll be carrying the other
She’s not bothered either way so ultimately it’s up to me, we both want them to be half siblings so they’d need to have the same donor but I’m torn for several reasons:

Pros of a white donor:
More variety of white donors. The children sharing her white background, easier for life in britain if they’re paler skinned and won’t be affected much by racism

Cons of a white donor:
Her biological child will be fully white and I wouldn’t want my child to feel excluded from my cultural background and community or shamed if they feel more of a connection with it

Pros of a pakistani donor:
Both of my children would share my ethnic background, so could freely embrace the culture without feeling left out as it’s my non-biological child’s culture too

Cons of a pakistani donor:
My biological child could wish he/she had white heritage too. Facing more racism if darker skinned

What should we do???

Depends how dark you are I guess. Mixed would be a good idea or possibly similar looking ethnicity from another country (Punjabi could be Pakistan or India? Sorry is that's insensitive just trying to think of a way to widen the net)

I'm 50:50 black:white and my partner is white, our daughter looks Mediterranean I guess. I do wonder if the next baby would look radically different blonde or ginger or darker skinned but then my brother is basically my boy double.

Think I get some weird looks because I'm darker and youngish, might be a nanny or something, though people often say she looks like me

Don't suppose any sibling have conveniently had a baby with a white person?

I think your ideal here is a mixed donor, but like pp says, the reality is that U.K. sperm banks have very small selections.

I know my clinic had fewer than 30 donors, and that was before you consider previous live births/CMV status/physical requirements/number of existing families as required by HFEA.

I was also told that BAME donors were underrepresented for a host of reasons.

You might find the choice just isn’t there, unless you go abroad or import sperm, or find a non-regulated in-person donor (don’t do this for many reasons!)

I'm trying to think of it from the point of view of your future offspring, and I think the best thing to do would be to choose a single donor from wherever you plan to bring the kids up. So, eg if you live in Wales, a Welsh donor. That way you are giving the kids a link to their father as they are growing up in the land of their ancestors.

You should each use your own eggs and carry your own genetic babies. Keep things simple- less confusing for the kids and easier to work out if you were to separate. Don't worry about your partner's child not looking like you - they are not related to you. It is the same as with any step child. What you can offer them is love and a happy home, with the added bonus of extra cultural experiences, which I would certainly have loved growing up.

@Hahaha88, nope, because if one carries and one donates eggs, they're potentially looking at more storage fees/medications overall. They'd have to pause their cycles to synch up, and both of them would have procedures at the same time. It's effectively like doing IVF twice, plus donating eggs twice, isn't it?

(I have to admit what would put me off would be two women both potentially on meds around the same time, too - stressful!)

@Gloschick are you suggesting if they split they're each take "their" kid? Or am I misunderstanding that bit?

[quote olderthanyouthink]@Gloschick are you suggesting if they split they're each take "their" kid? Or am I misunderstanding that bit?[/quote]
Gloschick also seems to think they will each be raising a step child

Hi OP,

I'm not in your position but your predicament sounds completely reasonable.

I don't know much about genetics but I personally think the best option would be either a mixed race donor, or if possible conpletely removing the race factor in the decision and going for other qualities? Although honestly I have no idea how that works or how detailed the information is on donors.

Best of luck starting your family

I'd go mixed race though you never know what you get look wise. DH is from a different ethnic background and I am white. We have a very dark (darker than DH) and a very white child. People always assume they must be half siblings when I am out and about with them (yes, people ask this rude and inconsiderate kind of questions).

Obviously both mums are parents to both children. But genetically they are more similar to step-parents. I'm not saying that are step parents, just talking about the genetics.
Re splitting up - it does happen so worth thinking about. I'm not saying that one child goes with each parent - you would do whatever works for the family. But it would probably be easier to work out if you start off on an equal footing.

@Gloschick

Obviously both mums are parents to both children. But genetically they are more similar to step-parents. I'm not saying that are step parents, just talking about the genetics. Re splitting up - it does happen so worth thinking about. I'm not saying that one child goes with each parent - you would do whatever works for the family. But it would probably be easier to work out if you start off on an equal footing.

It really doesn't work like that.

My DD isn't at all related to me - my DP is her biological mother and carried her. Sadly, we had a rocky patch when she was a baby, and I had cause to check what the situation would be if we split up. It turns out that what is taken into account isn't biology. It's who's the main carer for the child and what will, therefore, cause least disruption. In our case, because that was me, everyone we spoke to agreed it was very likely a court would have gone for me as the main carer and DP getting some regular contact.

The fact that I know this illustrates how complicated families are. There's nothing 'unequal' about the love you feel for a child who's not your biological offspring, compared to the love your partner feels for a child who is. The one thing DP and I have always known is we both love DD as much as each other - which is to say, more than anything else. It is really naive to imagine that you could have someone care for two babies, and preserve an artificial distinction between the bio child and the non-bio child.

Do you have brothers, yours with her and hers with you?

Black donor

@notdaddycool

This is a brilliant idea!!!

I know loads of people do the brother-donor thing, but ... all the lesbians I've ever spoken to had the same reaction as us. Bleugh. Why do straight people always think this is ok to suggest?!

Actually, I rephrase: I know loads of people mention the brother-donor thing, and I presume it happens fairly commonly or people wouldn't talk about it.

It's still weird.

Thank you for all the answers, we have finally came to a conclusion and will start trying to conceive summer next year

Best of luck 🍀

Best of luck, I hope your journey is as smooth as possible.

Good luck!

I’ve not read all the posts but what about using just one of your eggs with the opposite race sperm and then you both carry the babies? They’ll be genetically full siblings and you’ll both get the experience of pregnancy and motherhood equally

Well if you want to look like a bio family then your donor should be white and her donor should be pakistani.

@notdaddycool

Do you have brothers, yours with her and hers with you?

I like this idea if it's possible

Being Irish myself, i would be too embarrassed to say the word sperm to my brother but good luck to any familys less repressed than mine 😀

A gay couple I know (Indian/white Jewish) picked an Indian sperm donor for the white Jewish lady to carry. She had twins, boys, who look like both female parents.