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Original poster

Is this a thing? Is it fair? Contact question

41 replies

shoeontotherfoot · 03/12/2020 10:38

NC.

ExH has dc overnight one day a week and one teatime after school a week. Both teens.
Dd wants to meet up with school mates on ex's teatime contact day so he wants that time made up on my weekend day. Do other families do this? If dd saw friends on one of my days then time wouldn't be taken out of dads day but then I guess because she lives with me then that would never happen and I wouldn't even think of it as needing to be made up.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 03/12/2020 10:40

Can she not just go to tea at his another evening instead? Once they are teens he must have realised that they would be seeing their friends etc and want to spend less time with parents .

TurquoiseDragon · 03/12/2020 10:44

Tell the teens to arrange another tea time. He can't demand you give him weekend time.

Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 10:51

He’s being ridiculous expecting to stick rigidly to a fixed schedule when they are teens. You don’t owe him any time. It’s between him and the teen to arrange their own contact time. He can explain to her why he doesn’t want her to go to her friends or ask her to come to him another evening. She can decide whether she wants to or not. You aren’t part of it.

Original poster
shoeontotherfoot · 03/12/2020 11:10

There's a court order but we are free to agree alternative days if we both agree. He is not one to deviate unless it suits him though. If dd asks anything he says it's up to me so that if I say no I'm the bad guy.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 03/12/2020 11:14

You need to say to your child that if it’s dads day then she needs to ask him for permission and that it’s nothing to do with you and tell him the same .

Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 11:16

@Floralnomad

You need to say to your child that if it’s dads day then she needs to ask him for permission and that it’s nothing to do with you and tell him the same .
This. And keep repeating it until he gets it.
Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 11:17

If she wants to visit her friend on her dad’s time then it’s gone she needs to ask.

Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 11:17

*him

nosswith · 03/12/2020 11:20

Should teens be meeting outside school?

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 11:21

Some of the answers above suggesting he and the daughter sort it out are fair enough, but depend on one crucial thing.

If at the weekend she said to you “Mum, I didn’t get much time with Dad this week so have arranged to go and see him on Sunday afternoon” - would you stop her on the basis that it was “your” time?

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 11:21

@nosswith

Should teens be meeting outside school?
Award for the most irrelevant post goes to.........
AryaStarkWolf · 03/12/2020 11:25

@Floralnomad

You need to say to your child that if it’s dads day then she needs to ask him for permission and that it’s nothing to do with you and tell him the same .
Yeah this, they are teenagers they should be arranging this stuff directly with him now
AryaStarkWolf · 03/12/2020 11:26

@Gretnacastle

Some of the answers above suggesting he and the daughter sort it out are fair enough, but depend on one crucial thing.

If at the weekend she said to you “Mum, I didn’t get much time with Dad this week so have arranged to go and see him on Sunday afternoon” - would you stop her on the basis that it was “your” time?

Yes good question, imo that should be up to the teen as well unless they had something specific already planned for the weekend
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 03/12/2020 11:27

TEENS. 🙇🏻‍♀️

She's a teenager, he's going to have to accept she has other things she wants to do & they may be on 'his' time.

Contact is for the CHILDREN, she just needs to tell him she's doing xyz that night. (Provided it's something she's generally allowed to do).

ForeverRedSkinhead · 03/12/2020 11:28

Go with what your child wants op. We have a court order in place , I stick to it very loosely. My daughter often asks if she can see her dad on different days as there's a family gathering on her father's side, I always say yes. If she asks him he says no , he would like to stick rigidly to the court order. He also doesn't let her see her friends on 'his' days. The result is that she goes to see him less , he expects a 15yo to sit in his lounge, phone off, only spending time with him all weekend. She hates it.

Basically , always ask your child what they want then follow through with that.

ivfbeenbusy · 03/12/2020 11:30

You have the children significantly more than him. If he loses an evening because the teen is busy I do think it's fair for him to have another night in the week

ForeverRedSkinhead · 03/12/2020 11:31

And also , who cares if you're the bad guy? Exh can't stand me buy I don't give a shit , I do what's best for my children not him.

HuntedForest · 03/12/2020 11:34

Do you have plans? If yes, say no. If not, does it really matter?

If it doesn't suit tell her to arrange another evening during the week.

Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 11:34

If he loses an evening because the teen is busy I do think it's fair for him to have another night in the week

The contact is for the children, they aren’t possessions to be shared. If anyone gets any other night in the week it’s the teen, and it’s if they want it.

Serendipity79 · 03/12/2020 11:36

I'd suggest if she only sees her dad once a week then she could perhaps organise a different night. If she doesn't want to do that, then she needs to ask her dad - that was always my rule with my older girls. But equally if they then told me they wanted to see him on the weekend then I'd happily pack them off there.

Once they hit the teenage years they will pick and choose for themselves. I've found it quite liberating now my older two are 15 and 21 that I don't have to get involved, I just ask them to give me advance notice so I don't make plans with the smaller kids that include them.

user1493413286 · 03/12/2020 11:39

It’d be fair to swap it to another tea time but not your weekend. If we don’t see DSD due to her seeing friend then we don’t get to make it up from her mums time; it’d never occurred to us.

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 11:40

@Smallsteps88

If he loses an evening because the teen is busy I do think it's fair for him to have another night in the week

The contact is for the children, they aren’t possessions to be shared. If anyone gets any other night in the week it’s the teen, and it’s if they want it.

Exactly this. Which is why the ops response if the daughter were to ask for replacement time with her dad, or just arrange it herself is so important.

“Contact” (hate that term) isn’t about point scoring when kids get into their teenage years. It should be about what the children want, and to be honest I have a problem with anyone who sticks frigidly to a court order when teenagers are concerned.

The only opinion on which parent they are with when that matters is that of the child by that age. Any parent who would stop a child seeing the other parent for an extra night or a few hours over a weekend when they wanted to, just because it want in the court order is inherently selfish and prioritising their own wants (and likely point scoring over an ex they hate) rather than the child’s.

Court orders are relevant and required for 5 year olds, not 15 year olds

PizzaForOne · 03/12/2020 11:44

I think as teens, surely they can agree with their dad.

If he is okay with them seeing friends on his usual evening that's fine - I suspect if he says no it's not going to win him favours with DC.

If the DC want to make up for that time - whether by having tea with him another evening or extra time at the weekend - that's fine. AND if they do want to do that, I don't think you have a leg to stand on saying no to extra time at the weekend. If he is trying to force them to make up that extra time, again they are old enough where it's not going to win him any favours.

If you are okay with your DC effectively leading the decision of whether to make up for lost time. I'd talk to DC and explain that to them, then let them deal with their dad.

knittingaddict · 03/12/2020 11:45

They are teens now and I think responsibility for contact does shift a bit at that age. I agree that they should ask their dad, since it's his night and if he says no then he will be the bad guy, not you. It's also up to them whether they want to go on an alternative night, but it shouldn't be on a time when you have them unless that works for you.

If they didn't want to see him at all the courts would take that into consideration at the ages they are now.

How old are they? Just teens or older?

knittingaddict · 03/12/2020 11:47

As long as it doesn't harm the children too much, I'm firmly of the opinion that you give men like this enough rope to hang themselves. Let him deal with it.

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