Page 2 | Is this a thing? Is it fair? Contact question

shoeontotherfoot · 2020-12-03T10:38:10+00:00

NC. ExH has dc overnight one day a week and one teatime after school a week. Both teens. Dd wants to meet up with school mates on ex's teatime contact day so he wants that time made up on my weekend day. Do other families do this? If dd saw friends on one of my days then time wouldn't be taken out of dads day but then I guess because she lives with me then that would never happen and I wouldn't even think of it as needing to be made up.

Simplyunacceptable · 03/12/2020 11:48

At their age I’d say it’s completely up to them. He has to expect that they will want to see him less as they grow up. Friendships trump time with Dad at that age, it’s sad but he needs to accept this.

teateateateateamoretea · 03/12/2020 11:49

You need to say to your child that if it’s dads day then she needs to ask him for permission and that it’s nothing to do with you and tell him the same

True, but at the same time, teens can just choose not to go to their Dad if they don't want to.

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 11:52

This thread is a perfect example of the attitudes of say many on here.

If the Mum and Dad were reversed in this situation the response would be VERY different

LindaEllen · 03/12/2020 11:54

IMO, if they want to meet with their friends, they use the contact time of whichever parent they should be with at the time.

DSS sometimes (before covid anyway) gets the train back from his mum's at the weekend, to come and see friends who live in our street, and then gets the train back to his mum's, only to have to come back here the next day. It's bizarre, but she insists it's her day. We have told him that as far as we're concerned he - at 17 years old - can choose where he wants to be and when, so long as he lets us know for meals and safety so we know where he is etc.

If yours are older teens I think it's better to allow them this freedom too.

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 11:55

@knittingaddict

As long as it doesn't harm the children too much, I'm firmly of the opinion that you give men like this enough rope to hang themselves. Let him deal with it.

What on earth does that mean? “Men like this”

You mean a Dad who wants to spend all of the very limited time he gets with with his child with his child? He hasn’t said she can’t go to her friend. It just sounds like he has reasonably requested that the time missed be made up in some way

RB68 · 03/12/2020 11:55

I don't think it would be different - the needs of the child trump a stroppy parent demanding their ounce of time without phones sitting on a sofa interacting. He sees it as a social visit for HIM not the kid/teen. Parents are there to facilitate the kids life and clearly he has never got this. Contact is for the childs benefit not his - therefore if they don't want it or reject it then in my view its time to go back to court and the child can drive this to allow them freedom from controlling people

Floralnomad · 03/12/2020 11:55

@teateateateateamoretea

You need to say to your child that if it’s dads day then she needs to ask him for permission and that it’s nothing to do with you and tell him the same

True, but at the same time, teens can just choose not to go to their Dad if they don't want to.

Absolutely ,once they are teens surely if you live close enough they just choose where they spend their time .

RB68 · 03/12/2020 11:56

Trouble is the time missed is for the Mother to have contact with her child,,,,and facilitate being able t be consistent with homework, school etc. Again the contact is for the childs benefit not his

RB68 · 03/12/2020 11:57

sorry thats not clear - the time being made up to the Father is from the Mothers contact time so why should she miss out

unmarkedbythat · 03/12/2020 12:01

a Dad who wants to spend all of the very limited time he gets with with his child with his child? He hasn’t said she can’t go to her friend. It just sounds like he has reasonably requested that the time missed be made up in some way

That doesn't sound reasonable to me though, that sounds like a parent who can't grasp that contact and parenting and choice of activity changes as children grow up. Contact is not supposed to be for the parent's benefit but for that of the child. When you are a parent to a teen, you have to realise that they want to spend less time in the house or wherever with you and more with their friends. Why would any parent view their child deciding they want to see their friends on a day they normally see their dad mean that the time has to be 'made up' by reducing time spent with their mum?

TheDowagerDuchess · 03/12/2020 12:05

You need to say to your child that if it’s dads day then she needs to ask him for permission and that it’s nothing to do with you and tell him the same.

^^
This

I mean, if it was the only day the kids could meet, it might be fair enough for you to swap to give him another weekday teatime. But your weekend day isn’t like for like.

Best thing is teens just meeting another day, but I do agree it’s Dad permission on his days, your permission on yours.

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 12:07

@RB68

sorry thats not clear - the time being made up to the Father is from the Mothers contact time so why should she miss out

If the child wants to make the time up with Dad, then it’s up to the mother to agree.

If she doesn’t it the child who misses out, and the child who will resent the mum as a result.

I am going though exactly this with my step kids.

They both want to spend more time here (with me and their Dad) but their Mum point blank refuses and in fact keeps going back to court to try and have the already limited time he has with his kids reduced (keeps failing)

In our case she consistently deliberately arranges activities for when the kids are here. He always say they can go and so misses time with him. He and the kids always ask for the time to be made up elsewhere and she refuses.

I have seen the man I live in tears nearly every night for two years missing his kids and spending fortunes on all consuming court cases that get him nowhere.

DSS is 15 and despite his dads best efforts to prevent it he speaks terribly of his mother and how she “makes” him stay there (even on days when she is working and he could be he with us). As a mum myself I can see that the kid will seriously turn on her when he is older.

Sad thing is the idea of that happening and her ending up lonely actually makes my DH fell sorry for her and he does everything he can to prevent it happening.

Original poster

shoeontotherfoot · 03/12/2020 12:09

They are only just teens. They only have one weekend day and evening with me and their younger sibling (different dad) and we usually have plans and do have for this week.

I'd be happy for another after school day but not for our weekend time to be changed. Dd would never suggest an alternative day herself, dad demands it.

Thank you for all the opinions, I'll see what we can sort out.

OP posts:

Gretnacastle · 03/12/2020 12:10

@unmarkedbythat

a Dad who wants to spend all of the very limited time he gets with with his child with his child? He hasn’t said she can’t go to her friend. It just sounds like he has reasonably requested that the time missed be made up in some way

That doesn't sound reasonable to me though, that sounds like a parent who can't grasp that contact and parenting and choice of activity changes as children grow up. Contact is not supposed to be for the parent's benefit but for that of the child. When you are a parent to a teen, you have to realise that they want to spend less time in the house or wherever with you and more with their friends. Why would any parent view their child deciding they want to see their friends on a day they normally see their dad mean that the time has to be 'made up' by reducing time spent with their mum?

Agree 100% - if the kids have equal time (or at least nearly equal) with. Each parent.

In that case you accept it and suck it up and encourage the kids to develop and have activities and a social life away from their parents.

That’s not the case here though, the bloke hardly sees them compared to Mum, so in this instance I think he is perfectly within his rights to ask for the time to be made up.

HuntedForest · 03/12/2020 12:17

I'd be happy for another after school day but not for our weekend time to be changed. Dd would never suggest an alternative day herself, dad demands

Then you say "that's not convenient, we already have plans. You/she can go on x, y or z day."

AryaStarkWolf · 03/12/2020 12:50

@shoeontotherfoot

They are only just teens. They only have one weekend day and evening with me and their younger sibling (different dad) and we usually have plans and do have for this week.

I'd be happy for another after school day but not for our weekend time to be changed. Dd would never suggest an alternative day herself, dad demands it.

Thank you for all the opinions, I'll see what we can sort out.

Just tell him you have plans this weekend then and say he can chose another evening instead and don't engage any further about it