Husband and his brother

[OldOrMaybeNotThatOld]

Just a rant really.
My husband started a business many years ago and its turned into a success. I am an accountant by trade and so I work with him managing the finances.
My husband has one brother (my BIL) who is far less successful than he is and has always jumped from job to job, relationship to relationship, has been black listed for bad debt and just generally is a bit of a slack arse about life where even going for a walk around the block is too much effort for him. My husband on the other hand is driven, motivated, passionate about his business and is fit and looks after his health. So polar opposites with little in common except that they are brothers.
About 10 years ago my BIL just up and left his job with the usual excuse about how 'he just couldnt take it anymore' and got kicked out of his rental and landed up sleeping on our couch. Out of desperation my DH gave him a job. It was a position created for him just to get him off our couch and on his feet.
10 years later and his is still working for us, living in a house we have provided and driving a company vehicle. My DH has moved him around the business about 5 times because he just keeps failing by either not being capable or because his slack bulchy attitude affects the other staff who we cant afford to lose.
And so its rolled around again that BIL has to be moved out of his position because things are falling apart around him and staff are unhappy.
Im so fed up with it.
My DH has no respect for him and because of the family relations has no boundaries in how he talks to him so just ends up shouting at BIL all day because he is honestly so useless at his job.
BIL has no self respect and honestly just takes it all in as 'part of the job'. He has no drive and is in his late 40s so I think he just thinks we are his retirement plan so is prepared to just suck up a bad job because its comfortable and safe.
Im at my wits end with an unhappy DH who is resentful that his own brother (older by the way) has become his responsibility. Im pissed off at BIL who seems to have no desire to be better and I cant understand why someone would have so little self respect that they would get up everyday and go to a job that he knows he is not doing well in. And Im angry at both of them because one has gained an employee, the other an employer but both have lost a brother because we do not see each other outside of work because my DH just needs a break!
Our business does well enough financially and I feel like the best thing to do is to just pay BIL to do nothing for the sake of peace at home and at work.

[duckinatruckwithmuck]

So your husband is basically enabling his brother to carry on as he is without any need for him to change. Okay.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

This must be damaging your husband's relationship with his workforce

Trust me, it will be. In the case I mentioned it ended up with non-family staff robbing the company blind, on the basis that "HE gets everything for nothing, so why shouldn't we?"
It's not right of course, but that's what this sort of nonsense can lead to

And sorry OP, but IMO your choices around the birthday meal were very foolish. Nothing wrong with having a rant occasionally, but you're not actually obliged to behave like a mug

[powershowerforanhour]

Yes agree with early retirement or working from home consultancy non- job, if you think he'll be able to harmlessly potter about doing whatever. If you think he'll just start smoking weed and drinking from breakfast onwards and online gambling out of boredom, then menial job involving as little contact with valued staff or clients (or your DH, as the sight of him sloping about with two arms the one length probably rises your DH's blood pressure, out of sight out of mind).
Lawn mowing, creosoting, that kind of thing.

Smaller house in any case and rent the big one out or install a decent manager in the big house.

[PurpleMustang]

If it was me, I would use the opportunity of him having to change job again to say as you are no longer as manager you wage needs to decrease. Surely it would annoy the hell out of the other workers if hebis being paid managers wage and not managing anyone. So you could at least reduce his salary a bit.
What happens if the daughter did move in, would he expect an increase to cover her costs? For her to have a job too?
Also while he is changing job yet again it would be a good time to 'discuss' the future and lay out that you may move and what are his retirement plans, what has he got saved? ie lay on him that he needs to make plans and not rely on you both

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Ugh...

Static caravan in a distant corner of a distant barn.

Job role: Security/tidier upper/fix things/menial stuff.

Strict instructions that he recieves a job list per day, manages no one and all staff will be informed that he does not manage any of them and they are not to take instruction from him under any circumstance.

Tiny pay to cover day to day living and reflect the fact you've provided very basic accomodation.

If he doesn't like it.. he knows what he can do, but you have met whatever obligation your DH believes exists to house and provide for this layabout.

[Comtesse]

Your husband can pay him whatever he likes but how about the brother has to stay home and NOT come to work? It might seem stupid to pay him in away, but if your husband can’t harden his heart then better to keep brother out of the way and stop messing up other people’s work.....

[CatbearAmo]

Here is an employee perspective, because I once worked at a startup where one of the CEOs nieces got slid into my department and was absolutely useless.
It's absolutely frustrating and causes a huge amount of resentment among the hardworking employees, who feel so let down by the situation that they eventually want to quit.
If a non relative employee did the stuff bil does would they still be with the company ?
I imagine a lot of people are going into work with a half arsed attitude because they see bil get away with being useless and just think what's the point.
I still get shudders of how I got dumped with mentoring(taking care of) "Mary" which was an impossible task because she had zero respect or ability to follow rules or processes and I just ended up spending my whole role cleaning up after her.
You think you are just wasting one salary on bil but in reality it's probably at least two salaries because someone will be spending their whole working week righting his wrongs.

[tara66]

Perhaps DBI has undiagnosed ADHD, autism, other learning difficulty or a psychological disorder that is causing him to constantly fail to behave and perform as normally expected for years - especially as he has had so many chances and been so luck with your DH always bailing him out?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

What happens if the daughter did move in, would he expect an increase to cover her costs? For her to have a job too?

Almost certainly

Amazing, though, that a MN thread got to 159 posts before someone suggested ADHD ...

[LannieDuck]

It sounds like the only reasonable solution is to rent him a cheap apartment somewhere, put the rent/utilities on direct debit, and leave him to it. I wouldn't give him any extra money for food / living etc. He'll need to figure out that much by himself.

It's not a great solution, but at least he'd be away from your company.

[CandidaAlbicans2]

@WiddlinDiddlin

Ugh...

Static caravan in a distant corner of a distant barn.

Job role: Security/tidier upper/fix things/menial stuff.

Strict instructions that he recieves a job list per day, manages no one and all staff will be informed that he does not manage any of them and they are not to take instruction from him under any circumstance.

Tiny pay to cover day to day living and reflect the fact you've provided very basic accomodation.

If he doesn't like it.. he knows what he can do, but you have met whatever obligation your DH believes exists to house and provide for this layabout.

Totally agree. He seems to have forgotten what a great deal he's been getting, and it's time for the deal to become a lot less cushy.

[Brakebackcyclebot]

I just wish my BIL could see the damage he has caused to a family relationship by not being a stand up adult on his own

He won't. Not while you prop him up.

None of you are doing him any favours at all.

If you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same result. You need to do something different.

Like sack him. Or find him a really menial job he CAN do properly - but pay him accordingly.

He is like this BECAUSE he has had so many chances and been so lucky with your DH always bailing him out (quoting PP above).

[Cocomarine]

@tara66

Perhaps DBI has undiagnosed ADHD, autism, other learning difficulty or a psychological disorder that is causing him to constantly fail to behave and perform as normally expected for years - especially as he has had so many chances and been so luck with your DH always bailing him out?

Yeah, and that’s what caused him to grumble about clearing up after a camping trip he was treated to, too 🙄

The autistic members of my family get pretty fed up of this view that autistic behaviour and arsehole behaviour are synonymous.

[Nanny0gg]

@Puzzledandpissedoff

What happens if the daughter did move in, would he expect an increase to cover her costs? For her to have a job too?

Almost certainly

Amazing, though, that a MN thread got to 159 posts before someone suggested ADHD ...

Might be a record...

[callmeadoctor]

Unfortunately you and your DH are enabling his brother, it will never change unless your DH steps up. It sounds like he is unlikely to do that. Whilst BIL is at work, the other employees will always treat him as a boss, simply because he is related to you.
I suggest that you make him a caretaker of his house, give him a small salary on top (if you must). Then leave him to it and get on with your lives WITHOUT inviting him into your lives. I see it never changing though unfortunately as your DH seems to be unable to find his backbone.

[LouiseTrees]

I think you tell the brother in law times are tough due to Covid and you are hiring a manager to evaluate staff performance and make unproductive roles redundant and that he’s not immune. Get the manager ( in on a temp contract only) to sack him.

[africanantelope]

You and your husband are enabling him. He needs to be fired.