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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I right to be annoyed?

36 replies

flawsandceilings · 02/12/2020 17:53

DD's 15th birthday tomorrow. She didn't have a lot of things that she wanted but the few things she asked for I arranged for family to get. Three weeks ago my BIL picked something easily available and reasonably cheap. Said he'd get it. DD REALLY wanted it.

Just called him to find out where it is and apparently he forgot so he's posted her some cash.

I KNOW no one has a right to get a gift.

I KNOW she'll be ok with cash.

But she really wanted this gift, it was one of only 4 things she asked for and if he'd have let me know I could have arranged for someone else to get it. She's got very little to open as it is.
AIBU to be pissed off or should I give my head a wobble? I feel I might be unreasonable as she's still got something and could probably buy it herself with the cash, but DD has had a shit year with a big mental health crisis (on antidepressants) and I just wanted her to have a nice day with the pressie she asked for to open.
Basically- talk me out of sending a grumpy text.

OP posts:
Nandocushion · 02/12/2020 18:38

YANBU - that's so annoying, and right up there with people who ask you to tell them what specficially to buy for someone, then tell you later they decided to get something similar but not what was asked for. But don't send a grumpy text as there's no way for you to come out of it looking good even though you are right to be annoyed. Just remember for next year and don't trust him with anything in future. Any way you can get her to open her gifts later in the day, and rush out and get it yourself? I've made my kids wait until after school in similar circumstances.

Pippa12 · 02/12/2020 18:41

I’d be really cross- YANBU

PleasantVille · 02/12/2020 18:44

What it it? Can you go and buy one now, aren't the shops open all hours today?

CoRhona · 02/12/2020 18:45

GPs used to do this. They'd ask what the DC really wanted, I'd take it off my buy list and then give something else.

Don't bloody ask if you're not going to buy it!!

clpsmum · 02/12/2020 18:45

I'd be really annoyed tbh why didn't he text you before now to tell you he's not got it. Are you able to pop to shops and get it before tomorrow?

Loveable1 · 02/12/2020 18:48

That is one of my pet hates when people do that. Yanbu.

Any chance you getting it tonight or someone able to drop it to you?

Blackdog19 · 02/12/2020 18:50

I’d be really annoyed too, why bother asking if you’re just giving cash

Original poster
flawsandceilings · 02/12/2020 18:53

This isn't helping. I was expecting the usual Mumsnet, "Stop being grabby, how dare you criticise a gift, you e no right to expect anything from anyone" type response.
DH is at the shopping centre now having a look. He's out of his depth and keeps texting me things that are not the right thing.
I'm angry eating my second mince pie.
Even if DH finds it we're broke atm as DH lost his job due to covid and we could do without spending more money...
Eats third mince pie.

OP posts:
liveitwell · 02/12/2020 19:03

Annoying but definitely don't text him, it'll come across ungrateful. People have a lot going on at the moment. Just suggest she gets it with her money. You never know, she may have changed her mind since then.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/12/2020 19:07

If they're that precious and important why didn't you buy them yourself?

You're not grabby, but you're a bit OTT to put it nicely.

It's a bit dickish to expect others to provide what you deem the makings of a nice day for DD... while you do what?

She's your kid.

Meredithgrey1 · 02/12/2020 19:24

It's a bit dickish to expect others to provide what you deem the makings of a nice day for DD... while you do what?

But the only reason she expected it was because BIL said he would get it. It’s not unreasonable to expect someone to do what they’ve said they are going to do. Or at least let you know within a reasonable time so you can fix it

MustardMitt · 02/12/2020 19:32

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

If they're that precious and important why didn't you buy them yourself?

You're not grabby, but you're a bit OTT to put it nicely.

It's a bit dickish to expect others to provide what you deem the makings of a nice day for DD... while you do what?

She's your kid.

That’s totally unfair. OP has bought gifts and like she says, would have bought this had her uncle not said he would get it for her. If someone doesn’t want to get a gift then they shouldn’t say they will.

@flawsandceilings I would text him saying it would have been helpful if he’d told you before, but I wouldn’t go further than that.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/12/2020 19:32

@Meredithgrey1

It's a bit dickish to expect others to provide what you deem the makings of a nice day for DD... while you do what?

But the only reason she expected it was because BIL said he would get it. It’s not unreasonable to expect someone to do what they’ve said they are going to do. Or at least let you know within a reasonable time so you can fix it

It is a bit unreasonable to expect family to buy the only things your child asked for.

Rightly or wrongly,they'll never care as much as you do or understand how much they might mean to them.

While it's true BIL could've been more organised and put more effort in, it wouldn't have been such a big deal if OP bought some things herself instead of relying on others. Or at least one or two things that DD really,really wanted.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/12/2020 19:34
  • She didn't have a lot of things that she wanted but the few things she asked for I arranged for family to get.

But she really wanted this gift, it was one of only 4 things she asked for and if he'd have let me know I could have arranged for someone else to get it. She's got very little to open as it is. *

Doesn't sound like OP bought much or that she would've bought it herself if he didn't.

Original poster
flawsandceilings · 02/12/2020 19:38

We did get the main thing she wanted (phone) so there's no budget left for other things. I love the idea of people being able to afford to buy all the things their child wants to avoid the merest possibility of disappointment. If family ask "what does she want?" it's not unreasonable to expect them to get it. Her other gifts were very reasonable- eau de toilette, onesie, set of pens.
With a minimum of effort, over a 3 week period, for a cost effective outlay they were all easily obtainable.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 02/12/2020 19:38

It is unreasonably to suggest that you buy something and then don't do that without warning.

MN is so weird about birthdays i don't get it.

OP - why doesn't your DH just ask someone in a shop? can't you send a picture of what it is? (what is it, anyway?)

Original poster
flawsandceilings · 02/12/2020 19:40

He's found something similar. She wanted an animal onesie as her friends are all taking silly photos of themselves in them. We couldn't get the one she asked for but the one he found is very cute. It has ears and a tail. Smile

OP posts:
PolloDePrimavera · 02/12/2020 19:41

Sorry, but YANBU! Especially when it's such a crap time for teenagers and clearly, this has been an especially hard time for her.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 02/12/2020 19:43

Yanbu at all.
The whole issue is that he said he would get it and he didn’t.

Osteomancer · 02/12/2020 19:48

why didnt you wait for the money from BIL and then she can buy it ?

Original poster
flawsandceilings · 02/12/2020 19:50

@Osteomancer

why didnt you wait for the money from BIL and then she can buy it ?
She can return it if she doesn't like it but I wanted her to have a few parcels to open. She looks big at 15 but is still a child about presents!
OP posts:
Diverseduvet · 02/12/2020 19:56

I would have waited for her to get the cash from BIL and say he wasn't sure which one to get, so he sent you the cash. Surely at 15 having an envelope with cash is just as good or better than having presents to open?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/12/2020 20:41

She’s 15, not 5. Why didn’t she just use the cash once she got it?

Skysblue · 02/12/2020 21:08

I think if the presents were that important you should have got them yourself. Relying on inlaws rarely goes well.

IsFinnRogersDead · 02/12/2020 21:10

Someone spent years doing this to my DC's Amazon wishlists - saying they'd bought it so it came up as purchased but would never actually hand it over. No idea who, but could only be family.

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