The In Laws are not very willing to travel

[littlelong1]

I've been with my fiance for almost 4yrs. Known each other for 6 yrs. My mum traveled between East & West for 2 years to help with DS birth & babysit for me so I could go back to college. Without my parents we wouldn't have coped. My fiance's family wont leave their county for us, but will go overseas for hols and have to travel fair distance to get to SIL.

I had very close family loss mth before DS was due. Because of this, I decided to have him Christened in the family church (it's been used by my family for at least 4/5 generations). I gave everyone 3 mths notice. Not one of fiance's lot were willing to travel for the only DGS's Christening.

Theres pleanty of other times they've not bothered to come across. Not even the odd wkend. How can you raise a child to feel a sense of family if one side is ok to be the other side of the country? I feel sometimes like taking the moral high ground because we have to go over to the West if we are going to see them at all.

Is it bad of me to wish they would shoulder some of the cost & time to come see us for once? It's not that easy to do a long distance trip with an 18mth old.

YANBU but you can't force people to have a relationship with your children, if they don't want to.

It is a great shame. Try to keep in touch with regular letters and phone calls, but you really have to accept that you can't MAKE them want to see your child.

Can you clarify the geography and distance , are you in UK ? How old are PILs ? PIL's live an hour or so away but see a lot more of SIL than us.

Sympathise as in a similar situation although the distance is alot smaller and mil older so try to cut her some slack. however, i do get hacked off as have to make the journey and never go to my parents as they make the effort to come and see us. Also made to feel a bit guilty for mil not see gs more often.

My father is the same. I guess my dd, and your ds, will grow up knowing who really values them.

They do sound unreasonable, if they can go abroad they are obviously fit and mobile enough to travel to you. I assume you have made the effort to go and visit them sometimes? How long a journey are you talking about?

What does your fiance think? If it is that much of an issue for you, perhaps he could tactfully talk to his parents and say how much you would love it if they could come and visit you for a weekend or whatever.

Really though, they will be the ones missing out. You obviously have a close relationship with your parents, and your son will benefit from this. Your parents will be the ones he gets to know better and who have the pleasure that brings, while his other grandparents will be relative strangers.

Its sad cos mil has wanted gcs for ages and he's the only one. She's always cooing over him and seems really taken with him but seems to come from the mindset that its the children who should make the effort (think it was like that with her mum). She has been up to see us 3 times in 8 years - once for our wedding, once for ds birth and once for a football match!

Hi LIZS, the distance is roughly 180miles PER way, 2 moterways & an A road are the main roads used. On a good trip without stops will take 3 hrs. (Is such an easy route though!) Sorry for lack of clearness, East being where we are, the South East of England. West being the South West of England, where DP is from.

MIL is mid 40's. FIL is almost 50. They've been divorced for nigh on 10/15 yrs. They've both had DP's for at least 8 yrs.

Just to rub insult to injury, speaking to my SIL (DP's older brother's DP) she said how she felt not part of the family as they lived literally 5 mins (on foot) up the road from MIL for 18 mths and only had 3 visits in person. When we lived 10 mins (on foot) from MIL & 10 mins (by car) from FIL, we had 2 visits from each. Go figure. I hoped having to move would bring about a change...

Hi Portonovo. I gave up a while ago talking to him about this. It's the same answer, his lot aren't (anywhere near) as family oriented as my lot are. Can't deny that my side is over double the size of his, but than my dad is one of 6, just for starters. he's willing to just live with things the way they are.

It's not even like I can blame it on my parent's for not wanting to put anyone up, they have room for 2 to stay and a travel lodge near. Don't get me wrong, my parents aren't angles, who is? But they are willing to travel across county's if their nearest & dearest need help.

I do have the same thoughts, they are the ones missing out. It's so needless though!

my inlaws are the same. They never come to us. So we rarely see them.
it's their loss imo.

(dh is visiting them with the children this week, and mil has already said she can't cancel something she is doing for one of the days - I agree, you can't force people to take an interest in your children)

and my inlaws regularly go abroad to stay for whole weeks with dh's brothers.

If I were you I wouldn't go (when your ds is at school you will have commitments at weekends anyway, and less time, and won't want to travel ime).

iswym now. My mum(in her 70's) travels similar distance about 4 times a year to see us and we to her a few times. PIL's as I say nearer but we see no more frequently. Are they working ?

Hi LIZS, yeah, both PIL's work full time. I would say that now MIL is on night shift, no days at all,(every other wkend off) she might have a reason not to appear now and then. But the truth is even when we lived on top of her old house, and she did regular day shifts, the effort was not there. FIL works 9-5 m-f and first half of sat.

Even her own DD was miffed on one visit, when she told me her mother was more concerned about going to tend her horse than see her 1st DGC. The stables have stable hands present 24/7...(she, her DH & DD used to live in Cornwall, & no surprises, the only time they really got to see her parents - my PIL - was when they traveled over specially)

My mother and 'new' husband are unwilling to travel to see us and her grand daughter... I always get the bloody guilt trip on the phone about how she misses her so much and wishes she could see her more.. last time she saw her was 3 weeks ago (at least).... this really pisses me off... a lot

.. oh.. did I say that she drives and live at the other end of the village???..

You know, opinionateddad, that sounds familar. Not least because after having lived in the local area for just over a year, it was time to save our sanity and move to the South East. Wasn't till that point that my MIL said to me it's a shame we're going, how we haven't seen much of them & it's one of them things, you got to go, you got to go.

Still, I guess you just have to learn to live with it, or try to ignore the issue as best you can. There's no force on this earth strong enough to make me move my child until we find somewhere that avoids the previous issues

A friend once told me, some people visit, some people are visited.

Some families just aren't close..DP's grandmother died a few years back, his dad hadn't seen her for 12 years and they lived in the same city. I've been with DP for 13 years, and never actually met his dad. Not because he's anywhere remote, but because when we visit he either goes out or stays in his room. He's never seen DD2, seen DD1 once, for about 2 minutes. As you may gather, he's an oddball, and we don't feel we're missing anything.

Everyone's different and some grandparents just don't have the interest/motivation to get as involved as others. Your mum obviously went to a great deal of effort to support you while you were going through college. Do you think this has affected your view of things? Maybe you're making a comparison between your mum and your PIL. Neither myself nor DH have any family locally, so we just accepted that our children wouldnt get to see their grandparents very much. It's a shame in some ways, but I think you just have to accept this is how they are.

well, inthegutter, that's what I thought at first. Like I said, my mother is no angle, but neither parent are stuck to our county like clue. My SIL (DP's older brother's DP)has the same issues with them. She's had more help with her recent pregnancy (baby born last Thurs) from her mother, who lives in Italy &speaks next to no English, than the PIL.

Even a close friend who's known us for couple of yrs has commented on how distant they can be.

I don't disagree. Everyone is different & our 2 sides will never see eye to eye. It just really bloody bugs me that we have to always make the damn effort to go to them. The fact last mth my FIL was able to go to his DD - my SIL - who lives nigh on 2 hrs away. We are only another hours drive.

I forgot to mention on the last msge, it's not just the PIL. It's his extended family too. He has a large family, but only speaks to 2 uncles, 1 of which lives in the West of England. Same thing - unless your on the door step, don't expect to be seen soon.

Go figure.

Haven't read all the posts, just the first few, but i do know how you feel littlelong1. My own parents are the same. I dont get phone calls, texts, emails or anything from either of my parents and quite often have to instigate the first move all the time. I am also in the South East and my father and his wife even live in the same COUNTY as me, but we still dont get visits. I dont get contacted from my brother or sister either and they too live no more than 45 minutes from me each. My mother lives in Spain so understandably cannot pop over for a visit but i dont get phone calls from her either. I might - and i mean might - get the odd msn message from her if we happen to be online at the same time but that's about it!

DP's parents however are very involved and cannot wait to meet their new grandchild (i'm almost 35 weeks pg) and i know they will be great. They are very hands on with DP too, always helping him with stuff etc. They are great!

I think you just have to realise that some families aren't close and others are. Sounds like your DH's family aren't that close. Just enjoy the closeness of your own family and try not to stress over your DH's family's loss of getting to know your LOs.

YANBU - My DP's parents live 40 miles away. They do not work (retired/on sick) and have a new car. However, they do not get to see my DD unless I make the effort to see them. It is my DP's first child and I thought they would be overjoyed. They have lost contact with their other grandchildren who are now 17 and 19. However, their daughter is due to have a baby next month and they have bought a spare pram, cot and car seat and are going to look after the baby while she goes back to work! My parents only live 10 mins away but again would not see my DD if I did not visit. However, she is their 5th grandchild, they are older and look after my younger sisters kids two days a week. I have not been out with my DP since my birthday last December as cannot get a babysitter, reasons being either "too busy" or "too far to travel" - sorry to rant but it really upsets me. I get comments from MIL about not seeing her enough, but have to bite my tongue as DP is very defensive of them - aaaaggghhh!

YANBU Littlelong1. We are a very similar position. We live in Oxfordshire and PILs live at the far end of Cornwall. Before we had DS we would travel down there at least three or four times a year to see them but they very rarely came to see us.

DS is nearly 2 and they haven't been up to stay with us since his first birthday. Yesterday was the first time they'd called us for over a month (DH was being stubborn and refusing to call them because it's always us doing the ringing).

We've decided it's just too far to put DS in a car seat for that long as it would mean at least two stops and we couldn't work out when the best time to travel would be as we'd need a break from driving too - we used to stop after Oakhampton for breakfast - but that's not practical now, and we've still got to do the journey in reverse.

After all our travelling, we too, feel that it's time for them to do some!

Mumtojess, I know that 'bite my toungue' feeling all too well. I have to do it fair amount when we plan our visits to the West. It seems to be a lot of giving from our end, even when we are over there.

Don't get me wrong, the PIL are good people. They are just f~#king sh~'t at the family thing. I, too, could rant on about the events going through my mind as I type. But I'd run out of room!

DP's older brother, he's a classic! He's the least parent-minded person I know, & he has 2 kids! (though is with a long-term DP. Guess that counts for something!) I have to bite quite hard my poor toungue when I have to argue the point of having a baby/toddlers rountine stuck to Vs going down the blasted pub...there are times I wish either pubs were banned or drink was never bloddy invented.

Give my DP his dues, he has calmed his pub going vastly since moving back to the South East. Hats of to him for that, if nowt else.

Have it where you want.

If they don't come, then they don't come.

YANBU, but just carry on.

It's their loss.

Sorry expatinscotland, could you clarrify your msge, not too sure what your refering to...

Have what where I want?

Sorry, think I've missed a link!

I think she is referring to the Christening.
YANBU - my ils live a fair old distance away too and they are both disabled, mostly we visit them, but they have been up to visit us twice already this year.